I Tries To Make Pies

If any of you ever fantasize about what I look like when I am writing in my blog (which I'm sure approximately 100% of you do), I decided to take a photo of myself using my webcam. If you are on a public computer, I should remind you that it is unlawful to do anything Jesus wouldn't do with it in public. Although, I admit that the sight of my angelic, flawlessly sculpted face has been known to turn the purest of Amish ladies/monks/televangelists into rouged-knee harlots.

"9,000 lbs of BEEFCAKE + a flock of peacocks + Fabio's bush = .0004% of this He-man's DNA" is what is written on my medical records. And yes, my eggs ARE for sale if you have a black AMEX card or own a foie gras farm.

So I stole this Neopolitan Pizza recipe from the Food Network website (which you can find here) but somehow, I think I added 4,000 more calories to this pizza because I have a propensity to abuse cheese. I have never made pizza in my life so this was kind of challenging being that I made everything from scratch. Honestly, I don't even think I've ever made a frozen one...


Pizza Dough:

* 8 ounces water
* 1/8-ounce yeast
* 1/4-ounce salt
* 1 pound bread flour
* 1/8 cup olive oil
* 1/8 cup cornmeal

Tomato sauce:

* 2 ounces salt pork or fat back (I used pancetta)
* 1 onion, diced
* 2 cloves garlic, minced
* 16 ounces crushed plum tomatoes
* 4 ounces tomato puree
* 8 ounces beef stock
* 1 bay leaf
* Pinch thyme
* 1/2-ounce salt

Toppings (Use as much of each topping as you want, I know I did):

* Pancetta
* Fresh mozzarella
* Shredded fontina
* Shaved parmesan
* Basil


Place the water in a large bowl or mixer with a dough hook. Dissolve the yeast in the water. Add the remaining ingredients except cornmeal and mix on low speed until a ball is formed. Change to medium speed and mix approximately for 1 to 2 minutes until a smooth and elastic dough is formed. Remove the dough from the bowl, cut the dough into 2 portions, roll into tight balls and place in lightly oiled sheet pan, cover and let proof for a minimum of 4 hours. Preheat oven to 425 degrees F. To make the sauce, place the salt pork in a large sauce pot and render the fat. Add the onions and saute until translucent. Add the garlic and saute until the aroma is apparent. Add the crushed tomatoes, puree, and stock to the pot and bring to a simmer. Add the bay leaf, thyme, and salt and allow to simmer for 1 1/2 hours. Remove the bay leaf, puree the sauce and adjust the seasonings. Once the dough is ready, roll each piece out using a rolling pin until dough in approximately 1/4-inch thick. Spoon some tomato sauce on top of the dough. Layer the mozzarella, place the pizza on a sheet pan dusted with cornmeal and bake for 10 to 15 minutes until crispy and golden. Garnish with basil leaves.

I made the dough by putting the yeast, flour, water, salt, and olive oil in a Large Hadron Collider . But common folk don't own those, so you can just use a KitchenAid mixer and get similar results.

I taught Chef Boyardee/Emeril/Mario Batali how to cook sauces. They aren't even close to being my star pupils, but then again, no one can work a tomato like I can.

After refrigerating this ball of dough for 4 hours, you're supposed to roll it out. It looks easy on TV but it's not even remotely close to easy and I would probably ace the LSAT's before I'd roll this into anything circular.

A plethora of fine, expensive cheeses that were imported from far away, European dairy farms.

Murdered the assailants.

Distribute as generously as humanly possible-as if your sick, sad life depended on the amount of cheese on it.

OSTENTATIOUS, YOU SAY? Why thank you...my sullied pantaloons seem to agree. I know we're in a recession but there's no way in hell I am going to scrimp on pizza toppings.

Apparently, I also made a Glazed Apple Cream Pie and got the recipe from RIGHT HERE. (I know this is a recipe for a "cream pie" but I promise this isn't a link to porn.)


* 1/2 cup white sugar
* 1/2 cup milk
* 1/2 cup heavy cream
* 1/4 cup butter
* 2 tablespoons cornstarch
* 2 tablespoons milk
* 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
* 2 tart apples - peeled, cored and sliced
* 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
* 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
* 1 (15 ounce) package pastry for double-crust pie
* 1/2 cup confectioners' sugar
* 1 tablespoon milk
* 1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
* 1 tablespoon butter, softened


1. In a medium saucepan over medium heat, combine 1/2 cup sugar, 1/2 cup milk, 1/2 cup cream, and 1/4 cup butter. Heat until butter is melted, stirring occasionally. In a small bowl, whisk together the cornstarch, 2 tablespoons milk, and vanilla; stir into saucepan. Cook until thickened, stirring constantly. Remove from heat, and set aside to cool slightly.
2. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). In a medium bowl, combine the apples, flour, and cinnamon. Mix well.
3. Line a 9 inch pie pan with pie dough. Pour thickened filling mixture into pastry-lined pie pan. Arrange apple mixture evenly over filling. Top with second crust, seal and flute the edges. Cut slits in top crust.
4. Bake for 30 to 40 minutes, or until crust is golden brown and apples are tender. Cool for at least 30 minutes.
5. In small bowl, combine confectioners' sugar, 1 tablespoon milk, 1/4 teaspoon vanilla, and 1 tablespoon softened butter. Blend until smooth; pour evenly over warm pie. Refrigerate for AT LEAST 1 1/2 hours before serving (longer is better).

I already made one pie crust from scratch, you've gotta be shittin' me if you think I'll do it twice in this lifetime. That's where Betty Crocker comes in and saves the day.

Like so.

Rolling the dough out made me cry and shit my pants, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who isn't already depressed.

Chopped up a Pink Lady apple and doused it in cinnamon and possibly other substances that may or may not be bodily?

The CREAM filling, which is pretty much just butter, sugar, and straight up booty.

Sealed the fillings between the crusts and popped that shit in the oven for a while.

Came out lookin go'geous and I glazed it with more sugar, vanilla, and liquid stuff.

BLAP! Made it my son.

And that folks, is how you make delicious cat food.


Rick said…
Those pictures made me want to make this. I don't care if I'll look like Cartman.

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