Sunday, March 1, 2015

The Sriracha Quesarito and Pie Fails/Victories

The love of my life, Taco Bell took a giant leap this week by incorporating the flavors of the orient into their menu with the Sriracha Quesarito. From what I'm gathering, Sriracha is the new bacon in the fast food community. Jack In The Box has it's Spicy Sriracha Burger and Subway now offers Creamy Sriracha Sauce as a squirt option. As an active Sriracha squirter and fan of the regular Quesarito, I was felt it was my responsibility to investigate this exotic hybrid item. 

Taco Bell really pulled out all the stops with the packaging for this. You know it's serious when they print special faux-foil wrappers instead of just throwing it in a paper Burrito Supreme wrapper. 

Much like myself, it's virtually impossible to photograph Taco Bell food and make it look sexy. If I didn't preface this photograph with a long introduction about this being a burrito, you would't even know this was food. It kind of looks like a rag that I used to clean my microwave with after an explosion. Although, I would normally use my tongue for that kind of clean up. 

ANYWAYS, I got heartburn within the first bite of this and I only ate like half of it because I encountered an unnatural amount of rice in it halfway through. I created the 3D pie chart below and am going to send it to Taco Bell to distribute to its employees so that they know how to properly construct a Quesarito. 

After looking at this, I'm realizing that the unit of measurement of the values are unknown and this is in no way helpful to anyone, but I'm too lazy to fix it because it took me like 30 minutes to even make this because I don't know how to convert the one I made in Excel to a jpeg. I resorted to using an online graph generator and it doesn't let me display the values as percentages!! Ugh, should I delete it? No, I'll leave it up as a lesson to Microsoft to show them how impractical it is to not let people save pie charts as jpegs and as a lesson to myself to never make a pie chart while I'm hungover again. Or possibly ever because I clearly don't understand them and I can't believe I had the gall to make it a 3D chart. All it's done is display how retarded I am in 3D. 


Well, here's a pie that I understand all too well...

I've been constructing the most glorious pizzas via Pizza Hut's Flavor of Now options. You can pick all kinds of sauces, drizzles and powders that they can dust on the crusts. I believe I've created the most addicting and delicious possible combination and have elevated myself to becoming a VIP Pizza Hut customer by ordering this pizza so much. If you have any kind of respect yourself, you will order the following combo: 


The Yum! Brands corporation does not commission me to promote their products, I am just a creepy consumer of all of their products. In fact, I am pretty sure all the complementary and constructive e-mails that I routinely send to them have placed me on some sort of government watch list of creepy people. 

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Republique and Bar Ama

I've been fancy as fuck lately and have been eating at places that don't have drive-thru's. Although, I would like to take this opportunity to challenge high-end restaurants to explore the idea of drive-thru's because I think the industry has underestimated just how many people want to eat things like bone marrow or escargot in their 2005 Prius'. Why should I be limited to eating chicken nuggets from my lap and/or center console, when I can enjoy a nice handheld tomahawk instead? The idea of  sitting in traffic, waving around a tomahawk and yelling at people from my car is so elegant to me. So please, to all the hoards of James Beard award-winning chefs that read this blog- you need to bulldoze the businesses next to your restaurants to accommodate room for a drive-thru if you want to maintain any sort of edge in this town. 

 So my friends and I went to Republique on La Brea the other night and we had one of the most arousing meals I've had in a long time. I make this claim around twice a week, mostly after any meal where I've consumed carbs, but this time I really mean it. Not just because dinner was expensive as shit, but because it tasted expensive as shit. We also saw Common and John Legend here, so that could have been the source of most of our arousal.

Escargots en Croute. Yes, bugs sitting in a hot bath of butter, parsley and garlic beneath a heap of pastry crust. If you come here, make sure you order this and use the butter concoction as a condiment for everything else. My friend opted to just take shots of it throughout dinner and barked like a dog whenever someone tried to pry it from her hands.

This is the Eggs on Toast, which is uni (sea urchin gonads) and scrambled eggs (scrambled chicken abortions). In a perfect world, this would be my daily breakfast and would be AVAILABLE AT A DRIVE-THRU. 

I would like to welcome foie gras back to California. I mean, I get why you left because I care about the well being of live ducks, but at the same time I suppose I don't because I ate this and seeing a roasted duck carcass hanging from a window in Chinatown results in me bartering in Cantonese and waving around a wad of cash. Basically, I'm sorry you're so delicious. Oh yeah, pour escargot butter on this. 

" I know things get hard
But girl you got it, girl you got it there you go
Can't you tell by how they looking at you everywhere you go
Wondering what's on your mind, it must be hard to be that fine,
When all these motherfuckas wanna waste your time
It's just amazing, girl, and all I can say is...

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so, I'm so,
I'm so proud of you

- Drake on this Black Truffle Risotto 

IT ARRIVED WITH A FUCKING CHEESE SCROLL!! Like how regal do I gotta be to have cheese scroll announce my arrival!? 

Beef Short Ribs. This was so tender, all you need is a fork and spoon to pull it apart. In fact, we all just whispered encouraging words to it and it fell apart on it's own. 

Do yourself a favor and go here. I need to go back because I saw waiters carrying around charcuterie/cheese boards that were the size of ski's and I need to experience a cheese ski ASAP. 

For Valentines Day, Juls and I went to Bar Ama in DTLA because I'd been stalking it on the internet and sending him creepy e-mails about it for months because I thought it was necessary for him to get in touch with his Mexican heritage by eating here. I thought Valentines Day would be an opportune time for me to force this upon him, so I did. 

We actually started off with the puffy tacos, which were off the menu. My instincts were to shove them in my mouth whole as soon as they were placed on the table, so I didn't take a picture. SOOO GOOD.  Anyhow, here we have the Cauliflower & Cilantro Pesto, Pork Belly Chicharron and the Snake's Blood cocktail. 

The Seared Lengua. By far, my favorite lengua (cow tongue) that I've ever had in LA and that's saying something because lengua is my go-to taco meat whenever I visit any taco truck or table. And no, that is not a safe life choice. 

Everything went gorgeously together and hat's off to the waiter for stopping us from ordering a family sized portion of lamb in addition to all of this. I don't like to be told what to do, but I do like it when people are kind about calling me fat, saving me money and saving me from looking like this...

Monday, February 9, 2015

Szechuan Impression and Fruity Pebble Donuts

Sometime last year, I noticed a new business called Szechuan Impression had opened up in my neighborhood in Alhambra. I spent the next few months enjoying this fobby comedic gift from god when I drove past it everyday, never really realizing that it was a restaurant and not a Sichuanese photography studio. I thought to myself, "You mean to tell me that these impressions are AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE and EDIBLE?!" From that moment on, I was determined to Yelp it as soon as I got to work. After five minutes of diligent Googling, I discovered that this restaurant was hot shit and was even my arch nemesis, Jonathan Gold had been reveling in its delightful impressions.

Well, I finally made it there last week and my first impression was, "THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO MY MOUTH?!" Apparently, the key ingredient in all Sichuanese dishes is a murderous cocktail of three parts capsaicin and the rest is some kind of numbing agent normally reserved for dental anesthesia. 

Do not get me wrong, everything we ate here was DELICIOUS. Here we have the Honest Authentic Dumplings (I shit you not, that is the name...LOL, I know!) and the Shredded Pork in Garlic Sauce. And yes, they are both sitting in pools of magma. 

While ordering, there was a pleasant, beefy aroma wafting from the table next to us. We asked the table what it was and it was their Oxtail Soup. We demanded it be brought to us immediately and when it arrived, we all held hands and cried. This was by far, my favorite impression. My second favorite are behind the soup, which were the Lamb on Toothpicks. They are much more delightful than they sound...

It's customary to bring Asian babies to Sichuanese restaurants because  everyone knows how fond Asian babies are of hot chilis. That is my niece, Gwen or Gwenjamin Franklin as I like to call her. Despite her throwing major shade in this photo, she told me she thought everything was phenomenal. 

I had a photoshoot with my favorite donut the other day when I noticed it matched my new rug. This majestic creation is the FRUITY PEBBLE DONUT from Cafe Dulce in Little Tokyo. When I was in college, I was on a strict diet of Fruity Pebbles, Capri Sun and Hennessy, so you know this donut takes me all the way back. I wish someone would make a Henny donut already...

Went to L'Asiette Steak Frites on Melrose and it was theeeee SHIT. They specialize in steak frites and it's practically the only thing on the menu, much like Le Relais de L'Entrecote in Paris. I went there when I was in Paris and I saw a rat, but instead of being grossed out, I screamed, "RATATOUILLE!" and almost fainted from excitement. Unfortunately, there were no gifted rats at L'Asiette. Although, what they do have is buttery, melt in your panties steak and sorrel soup. 

Had a Superbowl party, so I decided to flex my entertaining nuts by frying up some buffalo and lemon pepper wangs (and a freeze cup). Check out that sexy ladle of nacho cheese from the nacho crockpot. I also curated a charcuterie platter featuring the finest of cured meats and cheeses from the nearest Fresh and Easy refrigerator. 

I'll leave you with this disturbing photo of a toothless cat swallowing prosciutto whole. He may or may not have choked to death. Just kidding...I wish. 

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Don't Ever Buy a Scale

At the tender age of 28, I just bought my first scale at Target for $7.99. I ripped it open, tore off all my clothing, jumped on, screamed at the top of my lungs and threw it across the room. I am currently trying to decide whether I should return it to Target for being vulgar or surrender it to the nearest fire station, swaddled in a blanket with a Post-it note that says, "I can't even."

Yes, the struggle is still very real for me.

I was sloppily attempting to diet for most of last year because I was a bridesmaid in two weddings and didn't fit either of the original dresses that the brides intended for me to wear. In short, I am now in possession of four bridesmaids dresses, one of which is permanently stained with pork gristle and am writing a step-by-step guide on how to let back fat ruin your life.

So once wedding season was over with, I really decided to do me and let that back fat fly. After all, bears store fat for the winter, why wouldn't I? Have a look at my dark descent into a path of destruction...

After seeing Bachi Burger in Las Vegas featured on my favorite show, Diners, Drive-In's and Dives, I've had it on my list of restaurants to ugly-cry in while eating. To everyone's dismay, this is precisely what happened.

OXTAIL chili cheese fries. This was the go-to dish I used to make with the remains of my oxen when they would die while traveling along the Oregon Trail, so this dish really brought me back to a special place.

 This Kalbi Burger was truly OUT OF BOUNDS as Guy Fieri would say. The flavor jets were on full blast in the flavor Jacuzzi, so much so that I smeared the contents of the burger onto a flip flop and wore them around for a little bit before enthusiastically shoving them into my yap. I now understand why Guy is so adamant about using delicious foods as condiments for flip flops.

Tsujita Artisan Noodle Annex on Sawtelle is my favorite ramen on planet EARF (and outside of my animated fantasies set in Japan.) I think I blogged about their tsukemen before, I'm not sure. I'm too lazy to look back at it. Shout out to my digestive system for enduring the parade of unchewed noodles that march through it every time I come here. Honestly, who has time to chew?

I went home to the Bay Area for the holidays because my mother requires it. It is also my favorite time to visit because DUNGENESS CRAB is in season at this time.

On Christmas Eve, my family and I feasted on Salt and Pepper Crab at R&G Lounge. And no, I did not go to a Chinese restaurant on Christmas because I am Jewish. We went because we are lazy and this crab shits on gold, frankincense and myrrh and whatever other weird minerals/essential oils those "wise" men decided were proper gifts for an infant.

Saw my friends...that's always a disaster.

During our annual Christmas potluck, I slaved over a stove to make clam chowder with my friend, Jess. I stole the recipe from Hog Island, which is why this looks so elegant.

On another occasion, we decided to reserve a day to sit around and marathon eat with the help of some herbal refreshments.

When I walked into my friends house, she had this gorgeous spread waiting for me. This was breakfast...a dozen donuts, two buck Chuck, E-40's own Sluricane, a cheese and pate platter, Trader Joe's cookies and my the first four books of my new favorite graphic novel series, Saga. Saga is like Star Wars for derelicts.

For lunch, we made crab and garlic noodles served with a side of melted butter and swishers.

For dessert, we begged my brother to go to the store to get ice cream so that we could make donut sundaes. Our creative juices were really flowing when we concocted this beautiful mound of blueberry donut topped with vanilla ice cream.

This day ended with five grown women (two of which were allegedly working from home) eating five bags of gummy bears, getting foot massages at an Asian massage parlor and eating tacos from  what looked like an abandoned shipping container with a makeshift kitchen inside. 

Oakland was never the same after that glorious day.

And I will leave you with some revelations I had about beer the other weekend.

This Belching Beaver Brewery is brewing up some magical stuff. I don't know where their beaver dam is located, but I can only guess that it's located either in Heaven or Tijuana. The Peanut Butter Stout tastes exactly like JIF, with the added bonus of getting you drunk. The Horchata Imperial Stout on the left kind of just tasted like a good stout, not so much horchata. But fuck it, I'll drink whatever a beaver tells me to drink.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Butchering Pig Heads, Ramen Burgers and Such

I've decided to take a break from online shopping for winter coats that make me look like a smart, highbrow skank like Olivia Pope (Scandal reference--if you don't understand, kill yourself) and am attempting to recount the horrors I've experienced while trying to feed myself. 

I'm sure this topic is passe at this point and I am on the late train (WHAT'S NEW/WHO CARES), but I ate the ramen burger. The original ramen burger from Brooklyn. I'm sure all food nerds are done nutting themselves over this and the rest of the population is generally unimpressed by this feat, but I feel the need to write about this because I waited FOUR HOURS in goddamn TORRANCE in the sweltering heat for this thing. Trust me, I am not proud of this. 

As expected, the line was full of every Asian nerd that is a member of Congress in the United States of Yelp--myself included. It was 9 am and I'd never hung out with my friends this early before and it became awkward, so we started pounding Kirin cans and spam musubi's. 
I think it was around after two hours of waiting in line that I announced that I would go on a rampage if I didn't experience nirvana. 

Luckily, I was too hot, fat and in need of ice cream to put any energy into a public rampage at a Japanese supermarket on a Sunday morning. In short, it sucked. I'm not trying to be mean or knock their hustle because I respect hustlin' to the highest degree, but take a look at what I had versus what I was expecting. 


The point is, be weary of internet sensation hybrid foods and Instagram filters and DO NOT WAIT IN LINE FOR ANYTHING FOR FOUR HOURS. THIS IS WHY I HATE DISNEYLAND!!!

So, I have discovered the endless joys of Mexican supermarkets and have discovered what I believe to be the Whole Foods of Mexican supermarkets--NORTHGATE MARKET! They are a chain throughout Southern California and I have become a regular at the one in Boyle Heights. 

I was perusing the meat section one day when I came across a pig head for $11 and threw that thing in my cart and punted it into the trunk of my car as any other Filipino with half a brain would do. 

If there's one thing I've learned from my trips to the motherland, it's that proper pork sisig can only be achieved by making it with the face of a pig. This pig head inspired the Lapu Lapu (the  guy who allegedly killed Ferdinand Magellan aka the Filipino equivalent of Conan) in me to cook a Filipino feast since I never eat Filipino food anymore. 

Everything looks sexier in a cast iron skillet and with a fried egg in the middle. Something to keep in mind if you are planning to take nude photos anytime soon. 

Lumpia. Basically egg rolls without all those bullshit vegetables.

Kare Kare. It's basically oxtail swimming in peanut butter and veggies. I highly recommend slow cooking oxtail in a crock pot. I plan on making oxtail tacos very soon. 


In preparation for my upcoming trip to Paris, I also made beef bourguignon. This was the only inspiration that I took away from that cinematic abortion, Julia and Julia. The recipe said to use a good dry wine, so naturally, I looked for something with monkeys on the label. I paired it with quinoa because it is rumored that quinoa is healthier than bread and at the moment, I am pretending that I value health. 

On a classier note, my friend Mimi took a special trip to Jamaica and I threatened her every single day before she left so that she would bring me back JAMAICAN BEEF PATTIES. 

Diligent, well-placed threats can get you very far in life. These patties are a testament to that...SO GOOD. 

I aspire to travel to Jamaica indefinitely and get an internship with a Jamaican patty specialist and get impregnated by a Marley. If anyone can have this arranged, please contact me. 

Monday, August 26, 2013

My Favorite Things: San Francisco and Chicken Wings

It's always good to get out of LA for a bit because it's relaxing to get away from the chaos and traffic, but really, my respiratory system requires relief from the toxins floating about in the atmosphere from time to time. My favorite retreat is my homeland of San Francisco because I appreciate when municipalities adopt laissez-faire attitudes toward open-container laws. I can think of fewer things more liberating than drinking in public without being harassed or fined. The only thing better than this is probably drinking in public while nude, which is also legal in San Francisco. 

My most recent trip to SF started off with me forcing my little brother to take me directly to Turtle Tower's location in SOMA. It is conveniently located across from the county jail, which only means that there are plenty of eligible bachelors in the area. Aside from that, I love this pho more than anything. As Rich Homie Quan would say, handmade noodles make me feel some type of way.

I don't care what anyone says, good soup is meant to be eaten with your hands. 
After submerging my head in a bowl of soup and sucking it dry with my nostrils, I was parched. My brother and I headed down the street to 21st Amendment to pre-game for the Giant's game. For some reason, I end up here every time I come home because I want the Hell or High Watermelon Wheat Beer on draft but they are ALWAYS sold out. But not this time. The beer gods were ever in my favor that day and it was weird, because beer gods normally hate me.


I love the Giants and the Crazy Crab'z sandwich at AT&T Park is responsible for at least 80% of my love. Pablo Sandoval's sweet bod in that uniform is responsible for the other 20%. I've written sonnets about this sandwich on here before, but this sandwich deserves to be praised daily. I had one and split another one with my friend, Erika. This was after we took customary thizz face pictures in front of the field in honor of Mac Dre's birthday.


Get it, boo. 
I cracked my phone screen and lost my ATM card this glorious night. Had this not happened, I would have had the best day of my life. I understand that Jesus does not like to send me mixed signals about restoring my faith in his mercy for me--so I believe he did this to keep me check. Well played, Jesus.

The next day, I made my pilgrimage to Dolores Park so that I could sit in the grass with my pals and essentially sit there until we rot. This is just what the youth of San Francisco do--drink in parks until they reach paralysis.

An array of nutritious delicacies: Acme baguette, Cowgirl Creamery Mt. Tam, Gioia Burrata and some sort of organic salami from Applegate.

My friend, Gabby made this gorgeous card for her mother's 49th birthday. It is pure genius to say the least. 
I eventually left the city. It was a very upsetting goodbye since I pine for it everyday and leaving is the equivalent of cutting off my own umbilical cord. I reluctantly went back to LA and consoled myself the only effective way that I knew how. CHICKEN WINGS. Chicken wings solve everything. What is the pythagorean theorem? I don't know it off the top of my head, but I'm sure the answer is CHICKEN WINGS. I just googled it and it relates to triangles, which is the shape of a drumstick in a once again, I am right and smart people are wrong about me.

Here is some spank bank material from California Wings Cafe in Hollywood. We wandered here after braving a pool party at Drai's on an exceptionally hot Saturday afternoon. I'm terrified of pool parties at hotels, so I was in a traumatic state.

My password for my work computer was "hotwings69" at one point. 
Once this picture stops being creepy, it starts to become compelling. Thus, art is born. I'm selling prints for $500.00. 
Okay, it's almost 11 o'clock and that means I need to sleep or else I will be completely useless and unattractive tomorrow and I can't be that two days in a row.