I just wanted to put up one of my favorite video's of all time. It's from Laker, DJ Mbenga, who was just voted "Hottest Piece of Ass in the NBA" for the 5th season in a row. I think the video speaks for itself.
Sometimes I like to see how many times I can watch DJ Mbenga say "taco" in an hour and if its under a thousand, I chug a fifth of Bacardi 151. If anyone has any further questions about solo drinking games, feel free to contact me because I am somewhat of a virtuoso in the field.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Taco Bell's Finest Creation: The Blackjack Taco
A little thing called the Blackjack taco at Taco Bell has been violently beckoning me in some very indiscreet ways the past couple weeks. First off, over the years, I have consistently fallen victim to the novelty of their promotional creations like the Volcano taco and the Crunchwrap Supreme. Just when I thought that the marketing geniuses at Taco Bell couldn't possibly outdo themselves, they revealed the BLACK (JACK) TACO. I need to meet the stoners that dreamed up and approved this. I also would love to see the footage of the boardroom meeting where these guys presented a Powerpoint of the "Blackjack Taco" complete with illustrated pictures of what it would potentially look like alongside pie charts and statistics displaying the demand for artificially dyed fast food. I imagine there was a post-presentation awkward silence and a slow clap, followed by rounds of high fives and bong hitting.
Second, the commercials are just too incredible. I've been voguing in my car along to the radio commercials for a good two weeks now and I've discovered the television commercial via youtube so now I can vogue to this song til my hands melt off my wrists. Also, as a fashion school graduate, I am well aware of the fact that the color black is very chic and slimming so hats off to you, Taco Bell for attempting to appeal to the fashion world.
So when my homie Steph made me listen to her eat one over the phone and I heard her rave over how amazing they were, I needed to have one too. She wasn't sure if the taco shells were made of blue corn tortilla or not and I decided I needed to demystify this elusive taco myself.
There was no special wrapper of any sort. CHEAP.
Okay so I'm pretty sure its just a regular taco shell dyed black and not a blue corn taco shell because it doesn't taste any different from their other tacos. It has some kind of special pepper jack sauce in it along with their signature mystery (chihuahua) meat, lettuce, and cheese. But it could very well be a blue corn tortilla shell because what the fuck do I know about blue corn vs yellow corn vs white corn. Maybe its time I grabbed a magnifying glass and a machete and do some hardcore Googling in a corn field.
In conlclush, its a regularass taco that has a black shell. Luckily for Taco Bell, everyone knows damn well that everything on their menu tastes the same and people would drop dead if that were to ever change.
After all the Black Taco excitement, I found myself caught up in a fury of fatness that could only be stopped by one force: Fenton's. Fenton's is only the single most magnificent ice cream place in Oakland or better yet, the Bay Area. Sorry Mitchell's/Bi-Rite/whoever...Fenton's makes FAT, glorious sundaes AND they have beautiful ranch. I mean, I don't get sundaes topped with ranch but if it were socially acceptable and not embarrassing to eat with company, I would maybe attempt it...BUT only at Fenton's.
I ordered a SMALL sundae with toasted almond ice cream, peanut butter hot fudge, whipped cream, almonds, and a cherry. SMALL as in DIET. They make their own ice cream at Fenton's, they have all sorts of inventive and delightful flavors like toasted almond, banana nut, coffee cookie crunch, cream caramel almond crunch, and the list goes on and on.
This picture could make a grown convicted felon cry. The peanut butter hot fudge is what I want my body to be enbalmed with when I die because you know, formaldehyde and methanol are just not cute.
Mozzarella sticks with marinara and their world class RANCH.
MMM MMM MMM....cheese so sexy, its awkward.
And that's that.
Second, the commercials are just too incredible. I've been voguing in my car along to the radio commercials for a good two weeks now and I've discovered the television commercial via youtube so now I can vogue to this song til my hands melt off my wrists. Also, as a fashion school graduate, I am well aware of the fact that the color black is very chic and slimming so hats off to you, Taco Bell for attempting to appeal to the fashion world.
So when my homie Steph made me listen to her eat one over the phone and I heard her rave over how amazing they were, I needed to have one too. She wasn't sure if the taco shells were made of blue corn tortilla or not and I decided I needed to demystify this elusive taco myself.
There was no special wrapper of any sort. CHEAP.
Okay so I'm pretty sure its just a regular taco shell dyed black and not a blue corn taco shell because it doesn't taste any different from their other tacos. It has some kind of special pepper jack sauce in it along with their signature mystery (chihuahua) meat, lettuce, and cheese. But it could very well be a blue corn tortilla shell because what the fuck do I know about blue corn vs yellow corn vs white corn. Maybe its time I grabbed a magnifying glass and a machete and do some hardcore Googling in a corn field.
In conlclush, its a regularass taco that has a black shell. Luckily for Taco Bell, everyone knows damn well that everything on their menu tastes the same and people would drop dead if that were to ever change.
After all the Black Taco excitement, I found myself caught up in a fury of fatness that could only be stopped by one force: Fenton's. Fenton's is only the single most magnificent ice cream place in Oakland or better yet, the Bay Area. Sorry Mitchell's/Bi-Rite/whoever...Fenton's makes FAT, glorious sundaes AND they have beautiful ranch. I mean, I don't get sundaes topped with ranch but if it were socially acceptable and not embarrassing to eat with company, I would maybe attempt it...BUT only at Fenton's.
I ordered a SMALL sundae with toasted almond ice cream, peanut butter hot fudge, whipped cream, almonds, and a cherry. SMALL as in DIET. They make their own ice cream at Fenton's, they have all sorts of inventive and delightful flavors like toasted almond, banana nut, coffee cookie crunch, cream caramel almond crunch, and the list goes on and on.
This picture could make a grown convicted felon cry. The peanut butter hot fudge is what I want my body to be enbalmed with when I die because you know, formaldehyde and methanol are just not cute.
Mozzarella sticks with marinara and their world class RANCH.
MMM MMM MMM....cheese so sexy, its awkward.
And that's that.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Yeah, I Made That: Spinach Dip Burgers
I am taking a break from my busy schedule of watching Lifetime movies and contemplating exercise to update the most riveting and thought provoking blog on the internet. Be grateful.
Contrary to what online IQ tests may claim, I am actually a genius. How do I know this? Because I invented a little something called a SPINACH DIP BURGER the other day whilst leading health care reform negotiations in the Senate and writing my acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize in Physics. Multitasking is child's play, I am more of a multi-innovator, if you will. Although that is neither here nor there, the point is that I am the brainchild behind an epic creation that will revolutionize the culinary scene in such a way that people will forget about the Kogi truck entirely. Actually, I was fantasizing about creating the ultimate burger and this is what I came up with. It's a Parmesan Spinach Dip Burger with caramelized onions, bacon, and arugula.
As we all know, the beef is the most important part of any burger and what kind of beef one uses in their burgers reflects a persons character and values. I consider myself to be a boss bitch of the highest caliber, so I sought out to find the finest ground beef within a 1 mile radius of my work place. As luck would have it, I work within walking distance of San Francisco's Ferry Building, which happens to be where Prather Ranch Meat Company is located, they are highly regarded for their all natural dry-aged certified organic meats. Check out the goods...
If you want to make juicyass burgers, you need FAT in the meat. Don't scrimp on the fat or else you will make dry, shitty burgers. If you're concerned about cholesterol, I'd suggest seasoning the beef with Lipitor or perhaps reconsider eating a burger altogether.
LE RECIPE:
Burger Patties
- 2 lbs of Prather Ranch Ground Beef (Makes for four 1/2 lb burgers. These are big boy burgers.)
- Salt
- Pepper
- Garlic Powder
Season the beef and you can make four 1/2 lb patties or more if you like small, girly-men burgers.
Grill those fat little fucks to perfection.
Parmesan Spinach Dip
I actually stole this recipe from Epicurious.com.
- 2 tablespoons butter
- 2 tablespoons olive oil
- 1 3/4 cups chopped onion
- 6 large garlic cloves, minced
- 2 tablespoons all purpose flour
- 1/2 cup chicken stock or canned low-salt chicken broth
- 1/2 cup whipping cream
- 1 10-ounce package ready-to-use fresh spinach leaves
- 1 cup (packed) grated Parmesan cheese
- 1/4 cup sour cream
- 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
Their recipe says: "Melt butter with oil in heavy large pot over medium heat. Add onion and garlic; sauté until onion is tender, about 6 minutes. Add flour; stir 2 minutes. Gradually whisk in stock and cream; bring to boil, whisking constantly. Cook until mixture thickens, stirring frequently, about 2 minutes. Remove from heat. Stir in spinach, cheese, sour cream and cayenne (spinach will wilt). Season with salt and pepper."
Kindly refrain from splooging directly into the pan. We had trouble with that.
Caramelized some red onions for that sexy effect.
SMOKED APPLEWOOD BACON. I have been affectionately staring at this photo for hours and am dangerously close to making out with my brothers computer screen. TMI?
The final product. Threw some arugula on top cause its tasty and pretty. LOL SMILEYFACE!!!!!!
Let's not ignore the fact that I made Parmesan Tater Tots to accompany the burgers...
Just sprankled some parmesan on top of the tots while they were baking in the oven. We like to call it the Lee family ancient Chinese tater tot recipe, courtesy of my homie Jizzo.
I was like, "FUCK YOU, BUN!!" and threw it aside.
So the burgers were good, but I think next time I'm gonna make it with a cold spinach dip (probably store bought) because I personally like those better than hot spinach dip. Also, making my own spinach dip was a pain in the ass. Which is the root of my distaste for cooking...it requires movement.
So I had extra Prather Ranch ground beef so I decided to get creative again and made a "Taco Casserole." I'm sure the Prather Ranch people will probably ban me from their store if they find out what kind of atrocities I've been creating with their beef. WHATEVAAA...
I am gettin that little dude on the corn rocket tattooed on me. I heard Casa Sanchez gave anyone with the tattoo of little dude free food for life back in the day. They no longer do that but I still want the tattoo just because it would look gorgeous on my forearm.
So basically I made taco meat out of the ground beef by using taco seasoning and Cholula. Layered the Casa Sanchez tortilla chips, taco beef, and some shredded cheese and baked it until the cheese melted. Did about two layers of that.
Topped it with guac, sour cream, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and more cheese. So basically, I made a bigass tray of nachos. Taco casserole my ass...
Contrary to what online IQ tests may claim, I am actually a genius. How do I know this? Because I invented a little something called a SPINACH DIP BURGER the other day whilst leading health care reform negotiations in the Senate and writing my acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize in Physics. Multitasking is child's play, I am more of a multi-innovator, if you will. Although that is neither here nor there, the point is that I am the brainchild behind an epic creation that will revolutionize the culinary scene in such a way that people will forget about the Kogi truck entirely. Actually, I was fantasizing about creating the ultimate burger and this is what I came up with. It's a Parmesan Spinach Dip Burger with caramelized onions, bacon, and arugula.
As we all know, the beef is the most important part of any burger and what kind of beef one uses in their burgers reflects a persons character and values. I consider myself to be a boss bitch of the highest caliber, so I sought out to find the finest ground beef within a 1 mile radius of my work place. As luck would have it, I work within walking distance of San Francisco's Ferry Building, which happens to be where Prather Ranch Meat Company is located, they are highly regarded for their all natural dry-aged certified organic meats. Check out the goods...
If you want to make juicyass burgers, you need FAT in the meat. Don't scrimp on the fat or else you will make dry, shitty burgers. If you're concerned about cholesterol, I'd suggest seasoning the beef with Lipitor or perhaps reconsider eating a burger altogether.
LE RECIPE:
Burger Patties
- 2 lbs of Prather Ranch Ground Beef (Makes for four 1/2 lb burgers. These are big boy burgers.)
- Salt
- Pepper
- Garlic Powder
Season the beef and you can make four 1/2 lb patties or more if you like small, girly-men burgers.
Grill those fat little fucks to perfection.
Parmesan Spinach Dip
I actually stole this recipe from Epicurious.com.
- 2 tablespoons butter
- 2 tablespoons olive oil
- 1 3/4 cups chopped onion
- 6 large garlic cloves, minced
- 2 tablespoons all purpose flour
- 1/2 cup chicken stock or canned low-salt chicken broth
- 1/2 cup whipping cream
- 1 10-ounce package ready-to-use fresh spinach leaves
- 1 cup (packed) grated Parmesan cheese
- 1/4 cup sour cream
- 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
Their recipe says: "Melt butter with oil in heavy large pot over medium heat. Add onion and garlic; sauté until onion is tender, about 6 minutes. Add flour; stir 2 minutes. Gradually whisk in stock and cream; bring to boil, whisking constantly. Cook until mixture thickens, stirring frequently, about 2 minutes. Remove from heat. Stir in spinach, cheese, sour cream and cayenne (spinach will wilt). Season with salt and pepper."
Kindly refrain from splooging directly into the pan. We had trouble with that.
Caramelized some red onions for that sexy effect.
SMOKED APPLEWOOD BACON. I have been affectionately staring at this photo for hours and am dangerously close to making out with my brothers computer screen. TMI?
The final product. Threw some arugula on top cause its tasty and pretty. LOL SMILEYFACE!!!!!!
Let's not ignore the fact that I made Parmesan Tater Tots to accompany the burgers...
Just sprankled some parmesan on top of the tots while they were baking in the oven. We like to call it the Lee family ancient Chinese tater tot recipe, courtesy of my homie Jizzo.
I was like, "FUCK YOU, BUN!!" and threw it aside.
So the burgers were good, but I think next time I'm gonna make it with a cold spinach dip (probably store bought) because I personally like those better than hot spinach dip. Also, making my own spinach dip was a pain in the ass. Which is the root of my distaste for cooking...it requires movement.
So I had extra Prather Ranch ground beef so I decided to get creative again and made a "Taco Casserole." I'm sure the Prather Ranch people will probably ban me from their store if they find out what kind of atrocities I've been creating with their beef. WHATEVAAA...
I am gettin that little dude on the corn rocket tattooed on me. I heard Casa Sanchez gave anyone with the tattoo of little dude free food for life back in the day. They no longer do that but I still want the tattoo just because it would look gorgeous on my forearm.
So basically I made taco meat out of the ground beef by using taco seasoning and Cholula. Layered the Casa Sanchez tortilla chips, taco beef, and some shredded cheese and baked it until the cheese melted. Did about two layers of that.
Topped it with guac, sour cream, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and more cheese. So basically, I made a bigass tray of nachos. Taco casserole my ass...
Monday, October 5, 2009
What To Feed People Before They Move To China
So one of my best friends and band mate, Gabby or "G-Beats" as us industry folk like to call her, decided that it was her American duty to go off to China and teach babies the alphabet. I honestly don't know how her ass is going to survive that long without a proper burrito but she is what I like to call a masochist, so I can see how burrito deprivation would thrill her. Anyhow, we had to inseminate her with as much non-Chinese food as we possibly could before sending her off to the Chinese countryside. This involved lots of pho, burritos, Anthony's Cookies, and an ungodly amount of Bi-Rite Creamery.
At the second to last supper, we went to Cha Cha Cha's on Haight Street in San Francisco. Don't let the name fool you, it is NOT CHINESE. It's actually Caribbean influenced tapas restaurant and it is BOMB.MOTHERFUCKINCOM. Peep game...
It's universally understood that you must order sangria's from here because Cha Cha Cha's is synonymous with the word "sangria." Why? I'm not sure, but everyone seems to have sangria war tales from Cha Cha Cha. All sangria's taste the same to me, except for when I make them out of Carlo Rossi, Hennessy, 7up, and fruit cups. (I made that up right now but I WILL make it and hopefully live to write about it.)
The fried potatoes with chile pasilla aioli sauce. Unfortunately, I had to share these with the other losers at the table.
Fried calamari with lemon garlic aioli. Holy cannoli, I love AIOLI. Calamari with aioli is fool proof if you ask me...so needless to say, I punched some bitches in the face while trying to fight for the last piece. When I say "some bitches," I mean my friends.
These were the grilled marinated chicken wangs with a guava-chipotle glaze. WANGS is WANGS and they were doin' they THAAANG! That glaze was some of that real sticky icky icky. OOOHEY...PUT IT IN THE AIR.
Now THIS is what people should really be coming here for...the CAJUN SHRIMP with spicy cream sauce. We passed this bad boy around and took turns motor boating it til the dish was completely spotless. As you would expect, the gentleman callers at the surrounding tables took a liking to the our shrimp cream encrusted faces and showered us with pitchers of sangria.
Sup baby?
Afterwards, we went to our favorite watering hole down the street...HOBSONS! We got us a bigass bowl of spiked punch and bobbed for vodka til we couldn't see straight anymore.
We really only like to drink alcohol that that would appeal to children.
Afterwards, I believe we stumbled into a bar called Alembic and I ordered a gin tonic. The bartender and I had a conversation that went like this:
Me: I'll have a gin tonic.
*He makes the drink, it takes him 9 hours and it looks like he's concocting some kind of liquid explosive. I am wondering why he is being so obvious about slipping me a roofie.
Me: WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THAT?
BT: It's a gin tonic.
Me: What's in the little bottles?! Wheres the squirt gun?!? WHERE THE FUCK AM I?
BT: You're at ALEMBIC.
The conversation ended with me spinning in circles with my arms out, screaming "WHAT IS ALEMBIC??" until I pissed myself. I don't exactly know what the drink ended up tasting like, but I'm pretty sure I made a life long friend out of that bartender. Apparently, Alembic is some kind of boughie bar that makes top-notch cocktails that have nothing to do with Alize or Boones Farms. I should probably go back when I'm conscious and order something that needs to be muddled with an ivory muddling stick.
So for the last supper, we had the following...
BAKERS SQUARE! This box beholds the single greatest pie known to man...
FRENCH SILK PIE! This pie got me through the first two years of college. I don't know why I just said that...I think it's cause I ate it once while studying. Whatever, this pie means a lot to me.
We found a sock on the table? Trivial things like socks on the table don't really matter when you're dining with good company.
CHICHARON aka PORK RINDS. I only ate a few because my dieting competitor was there and didn't wanna look fat in front of her.
This pretty much speaks for itself.
And alas, the RED STRIPES and the champagne in the background.
We ate other things like homemade sashimi (no one died) and shrimp but I felt more compelled to share the sock and the pork rinds. We then jumped in Gabby's parents minivan and they drove us to Bi-Rite to get ice cream. Went back Gabby's parents house and then took a 2 hour nap together. We are all 23 years old.
SEE YOU IN A YEAR, LITTLE BROWN!! (That is, if you don't get deported or abducted before then.)
At the second to last supper, we went to Cha Cha Cha's on Haight Street in San Francisco. Don't let the name fool you, it is NOT CHINESE. It's actually Caribbean influenced tapas restaurant and it is BOMB.MOTHERFUCKINCOM. Peep game...
It's universally understood that you must order sangria's from here because Cha Cha Cha's is synonymous with the word "sangria." Why? I'm not sure, but everyone seems to have sangria war tales from Cha Cha Cha. All sangria's taste the same to me, except for when I make them out of Carlo Rossi, Hennessy, 7up, and fruit cups. (I made that up right now but I WILL make it and hopefully live to write about it.)
The fried potatoes with chile pasilla aioli sauce. Unfortunately, I had to share these with the other losers at the table.
Fried calamari with lemon garlic aioli. Holy cannoli, I love AIOLI. Calamari with aioli is fool proof if you ask me...so needless to say, I punched some bitches in the face while trying to fight for the last piece. When I say "some bitches," I mean my friends.
These were the grilled marinated chicken wangs with a guava-chipotle glaze. WANGS is WANGS and they were doin' they THAAANG! That glaze was some of that real sticky icky icky. OOOHEY...PUT IT IN THE AIR.
Now THIS is what people should really be coming here for...the CAJUN SHRIMP with spicy cream sauce. We passed this bad boy around and took turns motor boating it til the dish was completely spotless. As you would expect, the gentleman callers at the surrounding tables took a liking to the our shrimp cream encrusted faces and showered us with pitchers of sangria.
Sup baby?
Afterwards, we went to our favorite watering hole down the street...HOBSONS! We got us a bigass bowl of spiked punch and bobbed for vodka til we couldn't see straight anymore.
We really only like to drink alcohol that that would appeal to children.
Afterwards, I believe we stumbled into a bar called Alembic and I ordered a gin tonic. The bartender and I had a conversation that went like this:
Me: I'll have a gin tonic.
*He makes the drink, it takes him 9 hours and it looks like he's concocting some kind of liquid explosive. I am wondering why he is being so obvious about slipping me a roofie.
Me: WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THAT?
BT: It's a gin tonic.
Me: What's in the little bottles?! Wheres the squirt gun?!? WHERE THE FUCK AM I?
BT: You're at ALEMBIC.
The conversation ended with me spinning in circles with my arms out, screaming "WHAT IS ALEMBIC??" until I pissed myself. I don't exactly know what the drink ended up tasting like, but I'm pretty sure I made a life long friend out of that bartender. Apparently, Alembic is some kind of boughie bar that makes top-notch cocktails that have nothing to do with Alize or Boones Farms. I should probably go back when I'm conscious and order something that needs to be muddled with an ivory muddling stick.
So for the last supper, we had the following...
BAKERS SQUARE! This box beholds the single greatest pie known to man...
FRENCH SILK PIE! This pie got me through the first two years of college. I don't know why I just said that...I think it's cause I ate it once while studying. Whatever, this pie means a lot to me.
We found a sock on the table? Trivial things like socks on the table don't really matter when you're dining with good company.
CHICHARON aka PORK RINDS. I only ate a few because my dieting competitor was there and didn't wanna look fat in front of her.
This pretty much speaks for itself.
And alas, the RED STRIPES and the champagne in the background.
We ate other things like homemade sashimi (no one died) and shrimp but I felt more compelled to share the sock and the pork rinds. We then jumped in Gabby's parents minivan and they drove us to Bi-Rite to get ice cream. Went back Gabby's parents house and then took a 2 hour nap together. We are all 23 years old.
SEE YOU IN A YEAR, LITTLE BROWN!! (That is, if you don't get deported or abducted before then.)
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Marshawn Lynch: Let's Make Babies
I have to pay homage to my hero/prospective lover, Marshawn Lynch, who is the running back for the Buffalo Bills as well as the father of the psychological school of "BEAST MODE". Aside from being one of the greatest running backs in NFL history, he is also one of the most charismatic and alluring human beings to ever hail from Oakland, CA next to Clint Eastwood, Bruce Lee, Mark Curry (of Hangin' With Mr. Cooper), and Mimi Nguyen.
This video is a little bit old but I think it shows how much we have in common:
I wrote to VH1 several weeks ago proposing that they take Terrell Owens show off the air, along with Daisy of Love and Brooke Knows Best, and replace it with Beast Mode with Marshawn Lynch. I have yet to hear back from them. I really don't want to have to resort to rallying at the town hall but desperate times call for drastic measures...if anyone's down to join me, meet me at the Cinnabon's at Serramonte and we'll see if you can find a way to persuade me to let you join me. I don't let just anyone hang out with me...
This video is a little bit old but I think it shows how much we have in common:
I wrote to VH1 several weeks ago proposing that they take Terrell Owens show off the air, along with Daisy of Love and Brooke Knows Best, and replace it with Beast Mode with Marshawn Lynch. I have yet to hear back from them. I really don't want to have to resort to rallying at the town hall but desperate times call for drastic measures...if anyone's down to join me, meet me at the Cinnabon's at Serramonte and we'll see if you can find a way to persuade me to let you join me. I don't let just anyone hang out with me...
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Burger Battle Royale: Pearl's Deluxe Burgers vs Mission Burger
Two very significant burgers have entered my life at the most inconvenient point in time: PRE-VEGAS DIET TIME. As I stressed in my last post, there is a maximum amount of back fat that you're allowed to carry on your body whilst in Vegas or you will be immediately exiled upon arrival. I'm pretty positive that muffin-topping out the top of a tube dress is grounds for rejection by clubs, your friends, and will result in some kind of fine or arrest for public obscenity. I will also probably be victimizing every buffet, bar, and Del Taco/Fat Burger up and down the Strip for 4 days straight, so imagine the magnitude of that sort of calorie intake. On the bright side, God himself created Spanx for the metabolically challenged and I am hoping that wearing iron clad undergarments will diffuse the "pregnant look" I've been accidentally sporting.
Okay, enough about that and onto the BURGERS. The first burger that I have been bumping uglies with on the regular is from Pearl's Deluxe Burgers on Post Street in San Francisco. It just so happens to be ridiculously close to my work place, which means the scent of beefy murder is constantly wafting through the air and into my nasal passages. According to all the signs and stuff posted outside of the restaurant, its won all sorts of awards like Best Burger by SF Weekly, has Michael Mina's seal of approval, and apparently people like them on Yelp. I'm thinking of making decals with my face on it that say, "I'D HIT" and handing them out to my favorite restaurants so they can display them in the windows...you know, so that people know that these are distinguished and highly regarded establishments. Anyhow, Pearl's offers a variety of all-natural, grass fed burger meats at ridiculously low prices (a Deluxe burger will be around $6 and a Kobe beef burger is around $10). You can choose between a regular Deluxe burger made from Neiman's Ranch beef, a Kobe beef burger, chicken, turkey, veggie or buffalo. Predictably, I haven't tried any of the last four varieties but I'm semi-interested in the buffalo burger. I personally cannot identify much of a difference between the regular Neimans Ranch burger and the Kobe beef burger, so I kind of just go back and forth between the two because I usually just swallow them whole.
The fries are pretty on point, crunchy and delicately salted...like my hair when I don't put leave in conditioner in it.
This is a Deluxe burger with jack cheese and AVOCADO. I try to keep the toppings and crap pretty minimal because it lets the beef really shine.
There's nothing more magnificent than the pink glow of beef, engulfed in a blanket of melted cheese and avocado. Aside from karaoke, I can think of nothing that brings me more joy. The juices I extracted from this burger with my teeth are now regarded as the Nectar of the Gods. (I sent the juices to the Vatican and they officiated it, don't trip. I speak no blasphemy.)
And now for the Mission Burger. The Mission Burger is a new offering from the fine folks over at Mission Street Food's. It is located inside the Duc Loi Supermarket on Mission and 18th Street in San Francisco and is open everyday except Thursday from around noon to 3 or whenever the burgers run out. Duc Loi donates $1 from the sale of each burger to the San Francisco Food Bank, so you are actually being saintly for eating a burger. According to the Mission Street Foods website, the burger contains 1/3 lb of aged Harris Ranch brisket, short rib and chuck, granulated and seared in beef fat. Served with Monterey jack, caramelized onion and caper aioli on an Acme bun.
Being that I am lazy and ill-informed, I knew of this burgers existence but never got around to asserting any energy into seeking the burger myself and didn't understand how they were operating this burger mission. As luck would have it, my homies at work were kind enough to grab me one while they made the trek from the Financial District to the Mission for lunch. So...they first couple bites were mind blowing, the meat with juicy and tender, the aioli sauce added a garlicky richness, and the caramelized onions complimented everything quite erotically. I soon started to realize that my entire face and hands were encased in what looked like Vaseline and could no longer open my eyes because the burger sent me into a greasy stupor. I finished the burger, but I felt like the burger finished me.
This is the crappy picture I took with my blackberry. It hardly does it justice, but you can see the amount of grease excreting from this arterial assassin.
Its delicious, but eating an entire burger that is this rich probably cut my life expectancy by at least a decade. You might want to split this with no less than 8 other people or if you're planning on committing suicide anytime soon, eat two. I heard the vegan burger they serve is excellent but I'm morally opposed to to choosing vegan options over carnivorous ones.
ALSO, if my blog looks funny to you, its cause its in transition. The address will officially be http://www.adventuresofafatass.com in a couple days, so bear with me. It can still be accessed through http://www.gluttonousboner.blogspot.com, so don't trip. I don't know shit about computers so it might be a while before I get it right.
Okay, enough about that and onto the BURGERS. The first burger that I have been bumping uglies with on the regular is from Pearl's Deluxe Burgers on Post Street in San Francisco. It just so happens to be ridiculously close to my work place, which means the scent of beefy murder is constantly wafting through the air and into my nasal passages. According to all the signs and stuff posted outside of the restaurant, its won all sorts of awards like Best Burger by SF Weekly, has Michael Mina's seal of approval, and apparently people like them on Yelp. I'm thinking of making decals with my face on it that say, "I'D HIT" and handing them out to my favorite restaurants so they can display them in the windows...you know, so that people know that these are distinguished and highly regarded establishments. Anyhow, Pearl's offers a variety of all-natural, grass fed burger meats at ridiculously low prices (a Deluxe burger will be around $6 and a Kobe beef burger is around $10). You can choose between a regular Deluxe burger made from Neiman's Ranch beef, a Kobe beef burger, chicken, turkey, veggie or buffalo. Predictably, I haven't tried any of the last four varieties but I'm semi-interested in the buffalo burger. I personally cannot identify much of a difference between the regular Neimans Ranch burger and the Kobe beef burger, so I kind of just go back and forth between the two because I usually just swallow them whole.
The fries are pretty on point, crunchy and delicately salted...like my hair when I don't put leave in conditioner in it.
This is a Deluxe burger with jack cheese and AVOCADO. I try to keep the toppings and crap pretty minimal because it lets the beef really shine.
There's nothing more magnificent than the pink glow of beef, engulfed in a blanket of melted cheese and avocado. Aside from karaoke, I can think of nothing that brings me more joy. The juices I extracted from this burger with my teeth are now regarded as the Nectar of the Gods. (I sent the juices to the Vatican and they officiated it, don't trip. I speak no blasphemy.)
And now for the Mission Burger. The Mission Burger is a new offering from the fine folks over at Mission Street Food's. It is located inside the Duc Loi Supermarket on Mission and 18th Street in San Francisco and is open everyday except Thursday from around noon to 3 or whenever the burgers run out. Duc Loi donates $1 from the sale of each burger to the San Francisco Food Bank, so you are actually being saintly for eating a burger. According to the Mission Street Foods website, the burger contains 1/3 lb of aged Harris Ranch brisket, short rib and chuck, granulated and seared in beef fat. Served with Monterey jack, caramelized onion and caper aioli on an Acme bun.
Being that I am lazy and ill-informed, I knew of this burgers existence but never got around to asserting any energy into seeking the burger myself and didn't understand how they were operating this burger mission. As luck would have it, my homies at work were kind enough to grab me one while they made the trek from the Financial District to the Mission for lunch. So...they first couple bites were mind blowing, the meat with juicy and tender, the aioli sauce added a garlicky richness, and the caramelized onions complimented everything quite erotically. I soon started to realize that my entire face and hands were encased in what looked like Vaseline and could no longer open my eyes because the burger sent me into a greasy stupor. I finished the burger, but I felt like the burger finished me.
This is the crappy picture I took with my blackberry. It hardly does it justice, but you can see the amount of grease excreting from this arterial assassin.
Its delicious, but eating an entire burger that is this rich probably cut my life expectancy by at least a decade. You might want to split this with no less than 8 other people or if you're planning on committing suicide anytime soon, eat two. I heard the vegan burger they serve is excellent but I'm morally opposed to to choosing vegan options over carnivorous ones.
ALSO, if my blog looks funny to you, its cause its in transition. The address will officially be http://www.adventuresofafatass.com in a couple days, so bear with me. It can still be accessed through http://www.gluttonousboner.blogspot.com, so don't trip. I don't know shit about computers so it might be a while before I get it right.
Friday, September 4, 2009
They Will Call Me Skinny Cakes Malone
As I embark on my 40th and most intense diet of this year, I have to bid farewell to my exquisite belly. I am going to VEGAS! in November for my birthday and must lose as much weight as humanly possible before that time. My friend, Jizzo and I are competing against each other to see who can lose the most weight before then. Loser buys the other person dinner and when I defeat her fat ass (Girl, I'm just talkin shit...you know I don't think you're fat. And I mean that. No homo. <3) I will be ordering 90 oz rib-eyes, poppin' bottles of Dom, and river dancing Michael Flatley-style with some strippers at the Spearmint Rhino...all whilst being skinnier than everyone else in VEGAS! After all, it is disrespectful to show up to VEGAS! looking like a fat person who does not dance for money.
So as I'm sitting here plotting ways to sabotage her diet (i.e. sending her Honeybaked hams, Omaha steaks, canceling her gym membership...etc.), I'm also saying goodbye to all the wonderful things I've shoved down my throat over the past few weeks. Here are a few of my latest and greatest conquests...
I am still convinced that Guadalajara's on Mission and Onondaga is the best taqueria in San Francisco but I heard that La Taqueria and Taqueria Cancun were pretty crucial too. So I decided to take matters into my own hands and settle this feud myself by eating burritos at both places. After visiting both places, I have decided that Guadalajara's reigns supreme and shits on both places in terms of burritos. If anyone disagrees, I will fight you. And you do not wanna see my arsenal because I own weapons that are so far beyond your realm of possibilities, you will not know whether to shit your pants and surrender or have me deported. ANYHOW...peep game.
TAQUERIA CANCUN.
Some carne asada tacos. I didn't eat these but my friend said they were good. They're pretty similar to the Guad's tacos. UGGGGHHH...my diet hurts.
Okay so I ordered the usual Super Carne Asada Burrito with extra sour cream and they gave me CARNITAS instead. I mean it was tasty and not bad, but I'm really not trying to eat pork when I'm set on STEAK, FEEL ME? It was just really upsetting and I don't even really wanna talk about it but here we are, bringing up painful memories of a HORRIBLE MISTAKE. Or shall I say MISTEAK...what a fucked up word. So me and Cancun aren't really on speaking terms right now ;X
It looks all dreamy and cloudy like a hoodrat studio picture. Ya'll know what I'm talking about. You know you remember gathering 20 of your closest home girls in high school, corn rowed each other's hair, put on matching Jordan's, and went to the mall and took 1,000 wallet sized pictures. Or perhaps that was just me and my friends.
LA TAQUERIA! When I was in line, the old lady behind me asked me why I was taking pictures of everything and I cried, "IT'S ALL SO BEAUTIFUL!" And we cheered and laughed and high-fived. Apparently, this embarrassed my brother.
Now I don't know why these people gave me a burrito so SMALL. I know sometimes I get mistaken for a teenager because of my boyish good looks, but I am a GROWN WOMAN. I do NOT eat baby food, except for on special occasions. But THIS was not one of those occasions, I wanted a missile full of BEEF, not a beef pencil for midgets.
After consulting/confronting many La Taqueria enthusiasts, I learned that I did everything wrong because they're known for their tacos and not their burritos. I could see how that would be because their burritos are microscopic and responsible for worldwide famine. So...to be fair, I need to give both places a second chance. AFTER VEGAS. (Jizzo, don't think you're gonna catch me slippin cause it ain't gonna happen...NOT NEVA!)
Next place I humped til the cops came to collect me is called The Front Porch in the Bernal Height's district of San Francisco. My food genius friend, Jenn (HAYYYY!) put me onto this place and when she says to go somewhere, I fuckin do it cause she really knows whats up food-wise in the city. Front Porch serves Southern-style comfort food and the place is homey, serves plenty of frieds, and I want to have its babies. For practical reasons. Weird how I always want to have babies with inanimate objects like restaurants. Only in a perfect world...
This is the MAC AND CHEESE. At first I thought it was a little bland, but it's creaminess creeps up on you and hits you like a cheese bullet, directly in the groin. Simply splendid.
FRIED OKRA WITH JALAPENO AIOLI. Well, suck me sideways...this was AMAZING. MOVE OVER ONION RINGS...the fried okra parade is in town! And it's fixin to kill you. I wanna lather my face in the jalapeno aioli by the way.
The SHRIMP AND GRITS was the most butt-clenchingly delightful dish in the world. I spend a lot of time recounting the first bite I had of the grits. They were cheesy, buttery, and next thing I knew, I didn't have any clothes on, my friends left and had instantly de-friended me on Facebook. Good grits just have that effect on young, impressionable girls such as myself.
href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_EIYEpUb6Pyo/SqGDdPIFu-I/AAAAAAAAA64/51Pqs9Ya-80/s1600-h/fried.jpg">
LE FRIED CHICKEN! You can order these in bulk and they come out in a bucket, but since my friends and I are sensible young ladies, we only ordered a few pieces. Needless to say, we regretted it because we were still hungry :( It's hard having that unfortunate disease with a long, confusing name where you eat constantly and your hunger never subsides.
NEXT STOP ON THE SEXY TRAIN...HUMPHREY SLOCOMBE! Or as I like to call, HUMPME SLOWDOE! Cause that's precisely what it does to your palate.
The artwork on the walls are my favorite.
They have insane flavors like peanut butter curry, Thai chili lime, foie gras, Blue Bottle Vietnamese coffee, and my personal favorite, government cheese. I shit you not, government cheese is an actual flavor. Vair avant garde.
I came for the 21st Amendment watermelon wheat beer ice cream and I also had the white miso peach. I LIKE IT A LOH!
And finally, my visit to TARTINE. Another gem of an establishment in the Mission.
My cousin had the chocolate pudding. RICH GOODNESS.
POO? I don't know, I didn't fuck with it.
I had the coconut cake with passion fruit Bavarian cream filling. I was on a coconut cake hype and I couldn't resist the heavenly coconut shavings blanketing these sexy cakes. We got down.
THIS WAS THE WINNER. The coconut tart with a delicate layer of chocolate and caramel on the crust. I would unholy things for another one of these RIGHT NOW.
Haha I just made scrambled eggs for myself and they came out brown. I am such a chef.
So as I'm sitting here plotting ways to sabotage her diet (i.e. sending her Honeybaked hams, Omaha steaks, canceling her gym membership...etc.), I'm also saying goodbye to all the wonderful things I've shoved down my throat over the past few weeks. Here are a few of my latest and greatest conquests...
I am still convinced that Guadalajara's on Mission and Onondaga is the best taqueria in San Francisco but I heard that La Taqueria and Taqueria Cancun were pretty crucial too. So I decided to take matters into my own hands and settle this feud myself by eating burritos at both places. After visiting both places, I have decided that Guadalajara's reigns supreme and shits on both places in terms of burritos. If anyone disagrees, I will fight you. And you do not wanna see my arsenal because I own weapons that are so far beyond your realm of possibilities, you will not know whether to shit your pants and surrender or have me deported. ANYHOW...peep game.
TAQUERIA CANCUN.
Some carne asada tacos. I didn't eat these but my friend said they were good. They're pretty similar to the Guad's tacos. UGGGGHHH...my diet hurts.
Okay so I ordered the usual Super Carne Asada Burrito with extra sour cream and they gave me CARNITAS instead. I mean it was tasty and not bad, but I'm really not trying to eat pork when I'm set on STEAK, FEEL ME? It was just really upsetting and I don't even really wanna talk about it but here we are, bringing up painful memories of a HORRIBLE MISTAKE. Or shall I say MISTEAK...what a fucked up word. So me and Cancun aren't really on speaking terms right now ;X
It looks all dreamy and cloudy like a hoodrat studio picture. Ya'll know what I'm talking about. You know you remember gathering 20 of your closest home girls in high school, corn rowed each other's hair, put on matching Jordan's, and went to the mall and took 1,000 wallet sized pictures. Or perhaps that was just me and my friends.
LA TAQUERIA! When I was in line, the old lady behind me asked me why I was taking pictures of everything and I cried, "IT'S ALL SO BEAUTIFUL!" And we cheered and laughed and high-fived. Apparently, this embarrassed my brother.
Now I don't know why these people gave me a burrito so SMALL. I know sometimes I get mistaken for a teenager because of my boyish good looks, but I am a GROWN WOMAN. I do NOT eat baby food, except for on special occasions. But THIS was not one of those occasions, I wanted a missile full of BEEF, not a beef pencil for midgets.
After consulting/confronting many La Taqueria enthusiasts, I learned that I did everything wrong because they're known for their tacos and not their burritos. I could see how that would be because their burritos are microscopic and responsible for worldwide famine. So...to be fair, I need to give both places a second chance. AFTER VEGAS. (Jizzo, don't think you're gonna catch me slippin cause it ain't gonna happen...NOT NEVA!)
Next place I humped til the cops came to collect me is called The Front Porch in the Bernal Height's district of San Francisco. My food genius friend, Jenn (HAYYYY!) put me onto this place and when she says to go somewhere, I fuckin do it cause she really knows whats up food-wise in the city. Front Porch serves Southern-style comfort food and the place is homey, serves plenty of frieds, and I want to have its babies. For practical reasons. Weird how I always want to have babies with inanimate objects like restaurants. Only in a perfect world...
This is the MAC AND CHEESE. At first I thought it was a little bland, but it's creaminess creeps up on you and hits you like a cheese bullet, directly in the groin. Simply splendid.
FRIED OKRA WITH JALAPENO AIOLI. Well, suck me sideways...this was AMAZING. MOVE OVER ONION RINGS...the fried okra parade is in town! And it's fixin to kill you. I wanna lather my face in the jalapeno aioli by the way.
The SHRIMP AND GRITS was the most butt-clenchingly delightful dish in the world. I spend a lot of time recounting the first bite I had of the grits. They were cheesy, buttery, and next thing I knew, I didn't have any clothes on, my friends left and had instantly de-friended me on Facebook. Good grits just have that effect on young, impressionable girls such as myself.
href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_EIYEpUb6Pyo/SqGDdPIFu-I/AAAAAAAAA64/51Pqs9Ya-80/s1600-h/fried.jpg">
LE FRIED CHICKEN! You can order these in bulk and they come out in a bucket, but since my friends and I are sensible young ladies, we only ordered a few pieces. Needless to say, we regretted it because we were still hungry :( It's hard having that unfortunate disease with a long, confusing name where you eat constantly and your hunger never subsides.
NEXT STOP ON THE SEXY TRAIN...HUMPHREY SLOCOMBE! Or as I like to call, HUMPME SLOWDOE! Cause that's precisely what it does to your palate.
The artwork on the walls are my favorite.
They have insane flavors like peanut butter curry, Thai chili lime, foie gras, Blue Bottle Vietnamese coffee, and my personal favorite, government cheese. I shit you not, government cheese is an actual flavor. Vair avant garde.
I came for the 21st Amendment watermelon wheat beer ice cream and I also had the white miso peach. I LIKE IT A LOH!
And finally, my visit to TARTINE. Another gem of an establishment in the Mission.
My cousin had the chocolate pudding. RICH GOODNESS.
POO? I don't know, I didn't fuck with it.
I had the coconut cake with passion fruit Bavarian cream filling. I was on a coconut cake hype and I couldn't resist the heavenly coconut shavings blanketing these sexy cakes. We got down.
THIS WAS THE WINNER. The coconut tart with a delicate layer of chocolate and caramel on the crust. I would unholy things for another one of these RIGHT NOW.
Haha I just made scrambled eggs for myself and they came out brown. I am such a chef.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
I Am The God of Breaking Things
So, it seems as though I have broken my laptop again. I believe it broke after I downloaded the entire second season of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager". I have no regrets but I wouldn't advise anyone to do that kind of heavy duty downloading on a Toshiba.
If anyones interested, I ate the remains of my broken laptop, regurgitated it and sent it back to Toshiba. I also attached a post-it that said, "YOU BITCHES BETTER SEND ME ANOTHER." So I should be back in action once they send me my new laptop.
If anyones interested, I ate the remains of my broken laptop, regurgitated it and sent it back to Toshiba. I also attached a post-it that said, "YOU BITCHES BETTER SEND ME ANOTHER." So I should be back in action once they send me my new laptop.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
12,000 Calorie Coma: Carny Food Edition
I believe I reversed about two months of running in about 3 hours the other day at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. I don't know what it is about carny food but it just does not fill me up and it actually makes me hungrier. I naturally fall victim to the "salty, sweet" cycle- after you eat something salty, you need something sweet, then salty again, and then sweet again. I find that carny food amplifies that emotion (yes, it is an emotion in my world) and sends me into a beastly rage.
So my friends and I started the day off at the Millbrae Pancake House, which is one of the Bay's best breakfast establishments and I base this claim solely on their generous and violent use of whipped cream. By the end of our meal, everyone at our tables eyes were crossed and had full-on whipped cream beards. Except for the toddler we had with us, who managed to maintain a Hitler mustache throughout the entire meal.
In this mug, buried somewhere beneath this behemoth pile of whipped cream is a puddle of hot chocolate. Again, the people here really know what their doing when it comes to whipped cream distribution and giving the public what they really want out of breakfast. Also, this is called the "hot chocolate" not the "whipped cream mug."
This is an omelet of some sort. I don't know what kind, it wasn't mine. BUT I would like to point out the entire avocado sitting on top of the omelet as a garnish, looking all peeled and vulnerable. There is nothing sexier in this world than a completely nude avocado sitting on top of a pile of eggs and meat.
The banana and chocolate chip pancakes, classic choices for toddlers and people like me, who eat like toddlers. The chocolate chip pancakes taste like lightweight brownies and are an excellent source of protein.
This is an artistic photograph of my over easy, farm fresh, jumbo hen eggs along with my browns of hash topped with a tomato puree. Simply divine.
WAFFLES with a strawberry compote, draped with a delicate cloud of whipped topping.
After 2 minutes of intense motorboating, I was able to pull myself away from the wreckage and take this glorious photo of my last bite.
After our light breakfast, it was off to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk where the beer flows like wine and where the Hell's Angel's instinctively flock like the wild salmon of Capistrano. They have approximately 9,000 different food carts/booths and every type of carny food you can imagine, served by real-life 150 year old carnies and their toothless predecessors.
I was overcome with feelings of unbridled joy when I found out there are no open container restrictions along the boardwalk. I promptly purchased the closest 24 ounce Bud Light, poured it all over my body, smashed the can on my forehead, let out a war cry, and ordered a round for a group of questionably homeless patrons and some fourth graders.
DEEP FRIED OREOS! Since we've met, I only think of them on two occasions and that's DAY and NIGHT. Actually according to Dailyplate.com, they are pretty low-cal...only 80 calories each! Am I right or am I right??
ROASTED CORN! There is nothing more refreshing and satisfying for my teeth and gums than some roasted corn on the cob! Lather these in butter and I'll have kernels permanently wedged between my teeth within 5 seconds of the carny handing it to me.
But in Santa Cruz, they do NOT play...they stay stacked with the ELOTE condiments! You build your own damn elote, leaving your cheesyass destiny in your own hands. It alllll starts right here, at the MAYO pump. I gave it a good 80 pumps until the carpal tunnel started to act up.
All you need right here: parmesan cheese, cayenne pepper, chili sauce, salt, pepper...THE WORKS! Actually you can't see the parmesan cheese in this picture because my homie, Gabby was probably molesting it somewhere.
This is Gabby's elote...notably more cheesy than my own.
And this belongs in some sort of a Mexican art museum somewhere. If anyone knows of any, holla at ya girl cause I have a shitload of potentially prize winning Mexican food photographs.
SMORES! I didn't know this delicacy propelled itself into carny food world, but it makes tons of sense, its delicious, bad for you, and you could probably easily make this for yourself for a fraction of the price. But everyone knows that food tastes better when its prepared by the hands of a carny.
Popcorn is a must and they're like negative calories because after all, its just air.
A jumbo pickle. Funny, cause I found myself in a jumbo pickle the next day when I found out that my jeans no longer fit around my fat ass.
CORN DOGS AND CHICKEN TENDERS! Corn dogs are vital to the carny experience. I was planning on getting a foot long corn dog, but it was already the end of our two hour run at the Boardwalk and I didn't want my arteries to explode in public.
So after all that, we found that we still were not full and so, we went to eat pho at some place in Oakland. It was decent. Also, after partying that night, we found ourselves in line at the Jack in the Box drive thru.
And so at the end of the day, I was channeling a different kind of Carny...
(Pre-Op, folks. Not Post)
So my friends and I started the day off at the Millbrae Pancake House, which is one of the Bay's best breakfast establishments and I base this claim solely on their generous and violent use of whipped cream. By the end of our meal, everyone at our tables eyes were crossed and had full-on whipped cream beards. Except for the toddler we had with us, who managed to maintain a Hitler mustache throughout the entire meal.
In this mug, buried somewhere beneath this behemoth pile of whipped cream is a puddle of hot chocolate. Again, the people here really know what their doing when it comes to whipped cream distribution and giving the public what they really want out of breakfast. Also, this is called the "hot chocolate" not the "whipped cream mug."
This is an omelet of some sort. I don't know what kind, it wasn't mine. BUT I would like to point out the entire avocado sitting on top of the omelet as a garnish, looking all peeled and vulnerable. There is nothing sexier in this world than a completely nude avocado sitting on top of a pile of eggs and meat.
The banana and chocolate chip pancakes, classic choices for toddlers and people like me, who eat like toddlers. The chocolate chip pancakes taste like lightweight brownies and are an excellent source of protein.
This is an artistic photograph of my over easy, farm fresh, jumbo hen eggs along with my browns of hash topped with a tomato puree. Simply divine.
WAFFLES with a strawberry compote, draped with a delicate cloud of whipped topping.
After 2 minutes of intense motorboating, I was able to pull myself away from the wreckage and take this glorious photo of my last bite.
After our light breakfast, it was off to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk where the beer flows like wine and where the Hell's Angel's instinctively flock like the wild salmon of Capistrano. They have approximately 9,000 different food carts/booths and every type of carny food you can imagine, served by real-life 150 year old carnies and their toothless predecessors.
I was overcome with feelings of unbridled joy when I found out there are no open container restrictions along the boardwalk. I promptly purchased the closest 24 ounce Bud Light, poured it all over my body, smashed the can on my forehead, let out a war cry, and ordered a round for a group of questionably homeless patrons and some fourth graders.
DEEP FRIED OREOS! Since we've met, I only think of them on two occasions and that's DAY and NIGHT. Actually according to Dailyplate.com, they are pretty low-cal...only 80 calories each! Am I right or am I right??
ROASTED CORN! There is nothing more refreshing and satisfying for my teeth and gums than some roasted corn on the cob! Lather these in butter and I'll have kernels permanently wedged between my teeth within 5 seconds of the carny handing it to me.
But in Santa Cruz, they do NOT play...they stay stacked with the ELOTE condiments! You build your own damn elote, leaving your cheesyass destiny in your own hands. It alllll starts right here, at the MAYO pump. I gave it a good 80 pumps until the carpal tunnel started to act up.
All you need right here: parmesan cheese, cayenne pepper, chili sauce, salt, pepper...THE WORKS! Actually you can't see the parmesan cheese in this picture because my homie, Gabby was probably molesting it somewhere.
This is Gabby's elote...notably more cheesy than my own.
And this belongs in some sort of a Mexican art museum somewhere. If anyone knows of any, holla at ya girl cause I have a shitload of potentially prize winning Mexican food photographs.
SMORES! I didn't know this delicacy propelled itself into carny food world, but it makes tons of sense, its delicious, bad for you, and you could probably easily make this for yourself for a fraction of the price. But everyone knows that food tastes better when its prepared by the hands of a carny.
Popcorn is a must and they're like negative calories because after all, its just air.
A jumbo pickle. Funny, cause I found myself in a jumbo pickle the next day when I found out that my jeans no longer fit around my fat ass.
CORN DOGS AND CHICKEN TENDERS! Corn dogs are vital to the carny experience. I was planning on getting a foot long corn dog, but it was already the end of our two hour run at the Boardwalk and I didn't want my arteries to explode in public.
So after all that, we found that we still were not full and so, we went to eat pho at some place in Oakland. It was decent. Also, after partying that night, we found ourselves in line at the Jack in the Box drive thru.
And so at the end of the day, I was channeling a different kind of Carny...
(Pre-Op, folks. Not Post)
Saturday, July 18, 2009
News To Me: MSG is BAD (Real Bad, Michael Jackson)
So after reading various Yelp reviews about some of my favorite hole-in-the-wall Asian spots and looking at people bitch and moan about MSG over and over again, I asked myself, "Exactly, what the hell IS wrong with MSG and why are people so concerned about this invisible shit in their food that makes it taste so amazing when there are blood sucking fish in the fish tank?"
I felt compelled to do some research and found some very alarming information from some very credible internet sources. I found out via Yahoo! Answers that I am not the first to ponder, "What's wrong with MSG?" Apparently, "Pine B" was wondering the same too and luckily MSG genius, "Jerry T" came to the rescue with this wondrous answer:
After reading this information, "Pine B" then formulated this response:
Anyhow, monosodium glutamate or MSG is used as a flavor enhancer in most processed foods aka MY FAVORITE FOOD GROUP, which means its found everywhere and not just in Asian restaurants. Maybe folks in Asian restaurants just use it excessively and shamelessly instead of on the low? But according to another scholarly internet source, Wikipedia, it can be found in:
* Pre-prepared stocks often known as stock cubes or bouillon cubes.
* Condiments such as barbecue sauce and salad dressing.
* Canned, frozen, or dried prepared food
* Common snack foods such as flavoured potato chips and flavoured tortilla chips.
* Seasoning mixtures
So basically, MSG is running rampant through my bloodstream because of my excessive and constant consumption of ranch and Asian restaurant food. As a result, I have suffered irreversible neurological damage such as brain lesions and thus, have developed emotional abnormalities. And so, I'm going to have to check myself into a rehabilitation center for a few months and detox. After googling, "luxury rehabilitation centers in california," I have chosen the Promises Treatment Center in Malibu where Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears went.
This is where I will be posted up for the next few months.
This is a picture of the enemy. It bears some similarities to another addictive substance that causes significant neurological damage...
Although, I've heard this one makes you skinnier and not fatter.
I felt compelled to do some research and found some very alarming information from some very credible internet sources. I found out via Yahoo! Answers that I am not the first to ponder, "What's wrong with MSG?" Apparently, "Pine B" was wondering the same too and luckily MSG genius, "Jerry T" came to the rescue with this wondrous answer:
MSG has been shown to cause lesions on the brain, especially in children. These lesions cause cognitive, endocrinological and emotional abnormalities. In children excess glutamate affects the growth cones on neurons. Growth cones are vital in laying down chemical pathways in the brain to enable the brain to operate effectively. Studies show that rats who had been fed MSG from birth could not escape mazes or discriminate between stimuli as well as non MSG fed rats. The implications for human children are that MSG could seriously affect their cognitive skills and cause learning difficulties.
Scientists have proven that everyone does react to MSG – it all depends on the dose of MSG given. People who do not suffer an immediate or acute reaction to the substance will, scientists believe, suffer brain cell damage which can lead to long-term health problems.
After reading this information, "Pine B" then formulated this response:
Wow! That's horrible! No wonder my neighbors are "mental"--they always eat at KFC and Burger King, which are the fast food restaurants with the most msg used.
Anyhow, monosodium glutamate or MSG is used as a flavor enhancer in most processed foods aka MY FAVORITE FOOD GROUP, which means its found everywhere and not just in Asian restaurants. Maybe folks in Asian restaurants just use it excessively and shamelessly instead of on the low? But according to another scholarly internet source, Wikipedia, it can be found in:
* Pre-prepared stocks often known as stock cubes or bouillon cubes.
* Condiments such as barbecue sauce and salad dressing.
* Canned, frozen, or dried prepared food
* Common snack foods such as flavoured potato chips and flavoured tortilla chips.
* Seasoning mixtures
So basically, MSG is running rampant through my bloodstream because of my excessive and constant consumption of ranch and Asian restaurant food. As a result, I have suffered irreversible neurological damage such as brain lesions and thus, have developed emotional abnormalities. And so, I'm going to have to check myself into a rehabilitation center for a few months and detox. After googling, "luxury rehabilitation centers in california," I have chosen the Promises Treatment Center in Malibu where Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears went.
This is where I will be posted up for the next few months.
This is a picture of the enemy. It bears some similarities to another addictive substance that causes significant neurological damage...
Although, I've heard this one makes you skinnier and not fatter.
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