HOW MANY BABIES DID YOU MAKE OFF THAT KEEF SWEAT!?

No, you are not dreaming. Indeed, your dreams have just come true--I am updating this blog.

Yes, it was selfish of me to stop posting up all the disgusting things that I weaken my immune system with. I accept all responsibility for any mental breakdowns that my absence has caused to most of the earth's population. It was not my intention to cause mass devastation, but my cat, Angus has been chewing on my laptop charger and it has compromised its charging abilities. Don't worry, I am devising a plan of punishment that will make both Angus and PETA fatally shit themselves.

Allow me to molest your senses with the latest and greatest in culinary delights. First and foremost, I want to announce that once again, I've fallen in love at 711. As you all know, I have not been the same since they discontinued the Cheesy Spinach Dip Taquito in the Fall of 2004. I guess 711 took my desperate cries into consideration when they decided to open up a 711 three blocks away from me and stock them with JAMAICAN BEEF PATTIES.

I asked the kind fellow who was managing the hot dog roller if the yellow things were empanadas, but to my shock he said they were Jamaican beef patties. I instantly slammed my fists on the counter and screamed at the top of my lungs, "I'LL TAKE TWELVE!!" I then made him throw them directly into my mouth with his tongs and then ran out without paying a dime. After all, 711 owes me somewhere around 6 figures in damages for the heartbreak they caused me when they discontinued my beloved Cheesy Spinach Dip Taquitos. Don't ever break a fat girls heart. 

This is not news, but it would be wrong to not acknowledge the birth of this decades fast food Messiah. I did not think that the genius stoners at Taco Bell could outdo the Beefy Crunch burrito, but it was dumb of me to underestimate the level of their genius. I tell you, these guys could do nothing but fart on an IQ test and still score higher than Stephen Hawking.

THE DORITOS LOCOS TACO! I have to admit that my friend and I drove up and down highway 5 searching for the test locations in California's methiest towns for these. Unfortunately, we never found them but the wait only made the experience more meaningful and passionate.

Spicy tuna, yellowtail, salmon, and scallop hand rolls from Hama Sushi in Little Tokyo. I don't give a shit if I've already written about this place because I cannot stress enough how delightful these hand rolls are. Jesus and Godzilla live underneath the sushi bar and roll these themselves using psychokinesis.

Watching illegal amounts of the Food Network and the Cooking Channel has lead me to develop a cooking addiction and personality disorder in which I've confused myself into believing I am a cross between Michael Symon and every contestant in the history of Chopped. So I've been (successfully) trying to grow a soul patch and have been banned from every Sur La Table location in Southern California for dry humping Le Creuset cookware sets.

I made meatballs and had an Italian versus Swedish throwdown against myself. Whole Foods ran out of ground veal because they are a bunch of amateurs, so I had to settle for ground beef and ground pork. Threw in some bacon and I was back in business. Sweden swept Italy by a landslide because of my genius use of Strauss heavy cream and lingonberries trumped my decision to use marinara in a jar. I love to hand myself victories.

Buying a roasting thermometer has definitely been the most adult purchase that I have made thus far. It resulted in me making this glorious rib roast. Making a beautiful roast for ones self is the most fulfilling feeling ever...my ego and stomach had never experienced such nirvana.

I MAKE SPAM FLY LAI!!!!!!!!!! (I MADE SPAM FRIED RICE)

Do yourself a favor and go to Din Tai Fung in Arcadia or Santa Anita or wherever the fuck this place is. XIAO LONG BAO. ALL DAY. ERRYDAY. I ate this two days in a row this week because I mistakenly thought both days were my birthday. My birthday is in November.

I went to Coachella again last week and these are the only two acceptable photos for public viewing. If you were there, you may have recognized me as the inebriated Samoan of questionable gender in jorts, sprinting from tent to tent with fists full of glowsticks and churros. All great weekends start with sippy cups full of Ciroc Obamas.

I will leave you with this wonderful photo to ponder.

Holy Shit

Long time no see, eh?

I just got a new iPhone and downloaded an app where I can blog from. This leaves me without an excuse to avoid blogging.

I just wanted to test this shit real quick. I leave you with a skillfully filtered Instagram photo of a fine hoodrat delicacy called "Hot Cheetos a la Cream Cheese."

Trader Joe's: I'd Be Dead If It Didn't Exist

I know this makes me sound like a loser, but I have been living off of frozen food from Trader Joe's for the past 3 weeks and I don't think I've ever been happier.

As a busy, young indentured servant, it has been difficult for me to find time to cook and eating out can get pricey. I've barely had time to feed myself and can't even manage to eat perishable food in a timely manner. Thus, I have resorted to stocking up on frozens from Trader Joe's and let me tell you, these are in a class of their own. These are the Rolls Royce's of frozen cuisine. Yes, I may be delusional because I am overworked and underfed, but I am convinced that I hit the jackpot every time I warm one of these suckers up.

They carry an exotic assortment of cuisines and I feel like I'm taking a trip around the Epcot Center every week. As a worldly young lady, I am an excellent judge of authenticity and I have been mildly impressed with everything. Mildly impressed is the highest grade of approval in the world of frozen foods, by the way.

For example, my favorite dish is the Paneer Tikka Masala.


*This image was stolen via Google image search*

This dish is simply outstanding...I like to call it The Maharaja Meal. Glorious pieces of cheese, swimming in a pool of Tikka Masala sauce, served alongside spinach Basmati rice. I have spent many lovely evenings, spoonfeeding myself this and watching Hulu.


*stolen image*

This is the Tom Yam Wonton Soup. I haven't tried this yet, but I am beyond excited to microwave the shit out of this. You know how I feel about anything with coconut milk in it..............


*Also stolen. I am too lazy to walk to my freezer and take a picture and upload it. Fuck that.*

These right here are THE BUSINESS. Seriously, I've been on this one for a minute now and life doesn't get better than these two right here. Nuke them for 3 minutes, drizzle it with Tapatio, and its like a $2 trip to Tijuana.


I was surprised by how fresh the Ricotta and Spinach Tortelloni tasted...it seriously tasted homemade. Obviously someone else's home because fresh, healthy dishes don't come out of this home.


The Vegetable Pad Thai is the shit and get's a round of applause or a booty clap.


I think I first discovered these when I was in the 7th or 8th grade and we have been going steady ever since. If you have never had one these, you are doing everything wrong. Flakey, crispy phyllo dough filled with cheesy spinach crap is a gift from Zeus.

I could literally keep going ALL DAY LONG because practically every frozen dish at Trader Joe's is retardedass good. Trader Joe could get it.

STILL ALIVE

No, I did not die...unfortunately for you, I am still alive and still have internet access. However, I've been busy because, I (unlike you) have a life. I understand that no one would have any reason to believe that claim based on every entry prior to this, but I swear to god I'm not just parking across the street from various Taco Bell's and staring at them through binoculars all day.

I am, however, never too busy to maintain my sexy figure...

Hit the Arroyo Chophouse in Pasadena with a bunch of cocksuckers otherwise known as my friends.


Lobster Mash. #sitonmyface


RACKS ON RACKS ON RACKS. Mangled a ribeye with just my chompers (no hands!)


Chocolate souffle...OHHHHHKAY!!!




Syrup in downtown LA is pretty crackin. Crepes, waffles, Intelligentsia coffee, and weirdass expensive sodas.




Tito's Tacos in Venice or Culver or some place off the 405. Not your typical LA roach coach taco, more of like a fresher version of Taco Bell. I don't discriminate against any taco because all tacos deserve acceptance regardless of their fillings or origins. Unless they are vegan tacos. In that case, I feel bad for the taco itself and blame the idiot that made it for being an irresponsible, protein deficient loser. How dare anyone bring a taco into the world without real meat in it. Anyhow, I fucks with this place.


If you could have bottled and consumed my excitement for the opening of a Five Guys at the Fox Hills Mall, it would have been the equivalent of being hospitalized for having a weeklong boner after OD'ing on several dozen Viagra pills (if I am doing my math right.)




Everyone thinks I'm insane, but it was the most underwhelming experience probably ever. It's like when you go to Jack In The Box to get an oreo milkshake, but when you get there, the milkshake machine is broken and you have to back out of the drive thru. Or like when you go to a Boyz II Men reunion concert at a sketchy club downtown only find out the dude with the cane and deep voice isn't there. Just kidding, Boyz II Men is never underwhelming and they still got it.

Maybe I just went to a bootleg one?


I spent $13 on fake tattoos and Justin Bieber stickers the other day. #whyamisingle

...............And I think that concludes that.

Domesticated Grown Woman Type Thangs

As I sit here and dine on a balanced meal of dino nuggets and a Corona on a glorious Saturday afternoon (like any other self-respecting twenty-four year old woman), it occurs to me that I should write in my blog.



Being that I am trying to be a responsible adult, I have been trying to cook more meals myself instead of eating out all the time. I can't say that it has been more cost efficient for me because I have a tendency to go overboard with ingredients and it takes me a solid 2-3 hours to prepare everything. For example...


Made a tray of baked mac & cheese for a potluck and then made another for myself. I spent a gang of bills on some aged white cheddar, smoked gruyere, medium sharp cheddar, colby jack, and an italian blend of cheeses. I spent an hour grating cheeses and watching basketball...WHY? Because I take pride in my mac & cheese like a REAL WOMAN (Paula Deen) should.


DYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMN GINA!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I could have bought that shit from KFC for less than two bucks and it would have taken less than two minutes. EFFICIENCY FAIL.


After watching the Throwdown with Bobby Flay episode where he goes to Albuquerque and makes green chile cheeseburgers, I became fixated on recreating the burger. I didn't remember what was in it, but I was hell bent on trying to make them. Hit up Trader Jeezy's for some canned green chile's, ground beefs, and pepper jack.


Made these half pound monsters smothered with green chiles, avocado, pepper jack, and arugula. I set off my fire alarm a few times, but it was worth it.

I'll let you in on a secret: Asian and Mexican markets sell produce and meats CHEAP. I hit up a Filipino market on Vermont and Melrose and I only spent $30 on a weeks worth of groceries AND I got in touch with my roots for a good half hour. It was the shit.

I don't cook Filipino food very often because I leave that up to my mother, but the best thing about Filipino food is that there is a sauce packet in existence for every dish. All you have to do is add vegetables and meat...so incredible.




Made some sinigang, which is a tamarind based stew. I put pork, chinese eggplant, green beans, and spinach in it along with the packet of tamarind dust. Almost (not really) like how my mom makes it!!!






Samesies for the pancit canton in a bag!


Made Thai yellow curry with tofu and chicken a la Trader Jeezy's. You feelin that Instagram effect? That's my new shit.

I Got The Swag And It's Pumpin Out My Ovaries

My bad, slackin on my pimpin again. Writing in my blog is hard when I feel like I'm being sucked into a vortex every day...plus, I barely know how to turn on my computer. Every fiber of my being hopes that made sense. ("Roll Bounce" is on VH1 right now and it's kind of difficult to concentrate when Lil Bow Wow is on skates, waving his moose knuckle around in front of me.)

I need Adderall in the worst way.

I am just going to upload a bunch of photos from my phone and say crazy shit about them.




Hit up Baconalia at Denny's, with the one and only Mona. Mind you, Mona doesn't eat pork and I had to stop her from trying to substitute our bacon for turkey bacon in the Maple Bacon Sundae. As one would assume, I developed gout several seconds after eating this monstrosity.


**********BEST TUNA MELT IN THE WORLD ALERT!!!!!!!!!*************
Okay, so Lulu's Cafe on Beverly and La Brea'ish has THEE BEST tuna melt in all of Los Angeles and quite possibly the world. Here I thought it was all about the tuna and cheese....WRONG. SO WRONG. It was about the fat, porous slice of sourdough that they toasted it on. I was head banging on the street corner for like an hour after I ate it.




Shout out to my brother, Eric for buying me a waffle maker that makes circus shaped waffles. Unfortunately, I am a failure because I can't figure out how to use it properly. Look at those sorryass boogers. Also, whoever decided to sell pancake batter in an aerosol can deserves the Nobel Prize in Chemistry because it solved about half the problems in my daily life. Lucky for the Batter Blasters people, I am on the Nobel Prize Committee this year ;)


Finally tried The Grilled Cheese Truck. Usually the lines for this truck are too ridiculous to stand in, but I caught them off guard one day on Melrose Night.


That's Mimi aka Banh Mimi aka Vietnamese Vanna White showcasing the Brie Melt, which has double cream brie, fig paste, and almonds in it. I brie melted in my muumuu :(


The Cheesy Mac and Rib. ILLEGAL, FUCKING ILLEGAL. I don't even know what to say. I was so blindsided by its gloriousness that I'm not even sure it was consensual??


This is why every Asian girl should have her license revoked. I accidentally drifted through a display of ropes and cones in my work parking lot when my favorite Chris Brown song came on. Had this cone lodged underneath my car all day. The security guards were nice enough to remove it from my cars underbelly...I hope they can still use it.


HIt up The House of Pies in Los Feliz for a nice, post-bar snack. I decided that the Broasted Chicken and Waffles was the way to go. I would go as far as to say that ROSCOE'S has got some competition. Yeah, I went there.


Fresh Strawberry Pie tantalized my butt plugs. I'm sorry, I just wanted to type out "butt plugs."


This is not a bicycle seat covered in chocolate mousse. It's actually the Bavarian Chocolate Cream Pie and it was a bit over-the-top for this little lady. I think I just miss the French Silk Pie from Bakers Square and I'm trying to fill the void it's created in my heart.


I always forget how incredible In & Out Burger is until I'm actually there, weeping and thanking god for it's existence in my life. Thanks for always being there for me, In & Out. I still find you attractive after all these years of taking advantage of you.