If you don't like crab, you are probably a jackass and I am not speaking of the itchy variety, I am talking about the sea creatures whose legs are full of buttery sex meat. If you don't already know, its CRAB SEASON and this is the most magical time of the year for me because for one, crab is unspeakably cheap and second, I get an adrenaline rush from being crotch deep in the ocean in my chest waders and night vision goggles, while groping for bottom feeders. For those of you who need a clearer image of what chest waders are, here ya go...don't get too aroused:

So everyone and their fuckin mamas have been talking about how crackin The Boiling Crabin San Jose is and lord knows I get all kinds of excited when I hear the phrases "hella longass wait" and "45 minute drive" in a description...NOT. But as I said before, people don't wait in line for hours and drive great distances for mediocrity and I rest my faith in the loins of these people, trusting that their fatness does not steer me wrong. My dear friend Dri is a huge fan and advocate of Boiling Crab and suggested we make the trek along with our other former college partying/eating companions to San Jose in the name of crabs.

So Boiling Crab is a Cajun-style seafood restaurant with various locations in California and Texas. I was already impressed by the fact that the first thing they give you is a bib, no one was using any kind of tableware or utensils, and there was a shark suspended from the ceiling.

Next, they dump a pile of limes on your table and give you little plastic cups filled with salt and pepper. I just squeezed a shit-ton of lime juice into my salt and pepper. Then I waited for what seemed like a decade for the I guess you could say with all the preparation, there was criminal intent.

My homie, Elmer accosting the sweet potato fries with illicit gusto.

So we ordered the lobster, shrimp, and Dungeness crab. You have a choice of seasonings between Rajun Cajun, lemon pepper, garlic butter or "The Whole She-bang", which is a combination of the three. And of course, we went with THE WHOLE SHE-BANG! You also have a between different levels of spice and we went with the mild because we are pussies and honestly, that was spicy enough for my ass. This is a photo of Professor Wise waltzing with the lobster before he mercilessly ripped this baby another one.

They just dumped bags of red, boiled murder on the table and we kinda just went at it. You can sort of see the Dungeness in this picture. The spicy, buttery aromas that emanated from these bags were exquisite and held unearthly powers that can only be found in the reduction of crab guts.

This is just rice. It's looking awfully vulnerable amidst all those lifeless ocean brutes. DON'T BE SCURRED, BABY.

SCRIMPS. You already know I showed these a good time.

If you gave a mermaid too much Hennessy and it happened to vomit all over a table, this is what it would look like.

So, The Boiling Crab gets two thumbs up and another one from down south. I have this theory that this is the perfect place to bring a first date because you can tell a lot about a person by how they deal without utensils, tableware, bib wearing, and being doused in sauce. It can either be a really fun, smelly date if the person is cool/worthy/wifey material or it can be a really awkward and tragic date if they are straight up crap. Try it and tell me how it goes. I will not be surprised if I am responsible for the conception of thousands of babies based on this claim.

My lovely roommate aka my mom made something spectacular this week too: CRAB WITH COCONUT MILK. Sheer genius...mind you, this woman made me thus, I too am a genius.

According to my moms, you mix together onion, garlic, coconut milk, and little bit of vinegar and wait til it boils. Then add the crab, some salt, and cook it for 15 minutes or however long it takes for it to cook. Pretty easy. But let me tell you, this shit was so DELICIOUS...I was dancing around the house with coconut jizz on my face, speaking in tongues. Shit was amazing...

Now go get some damn crab while its in season or else you will die of chronic lameness. BYE.


Fuck I love this blog. Long live the crustacean.

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