The Sriracha Quesarito and Pie Fails/Victories

The love of my life, Taco Bell took a giant leap this week by incorporating the flavors of the orient into their menu with the Sriracha Quesarito. From what I'm gathering, Sriracha is the new bacon in the fast food community. Jack In The Box has it's Spicy Sriracha Burger and Subway now offers Creamy Sriracha Sauce as a squirt option. As an active Sriracha squirter and fan of the regular Quesarito, I was felt it was my responsibility to investigate this exotic hybrid item. 

Taco Bell really pulled out all the stops with the packaging for this. You know it's serious when they print special faux-foil wrappers instead of just throwing it in a paper Burrito Supreme wrapper. 

  

Much like myself, it's virtually impossible to photograph Taco Bell food and make it look sexy. If I didn't preface this photograph with a long introduction about this being a burrito, you would't even know this was food. It kind of looks like a rag that I used to clean my microwave with after an explosion. Although, I would normally use my tongue for that kind of clean up. 

ANYWAYS, I got heartburn within the first bite of this and I only ate like half of it because I encountered an unnatural amount of rice in it halfway through. I created the 3D pie chart below and am going to send it to Taco Bell to distribute to its employees so that they know how to properly construct a Quesarito. 

After looking at this, I'm realizing that the unit of measurement of the values are unknown and this is in no way helpful to anyone, but I'm too lazy to fix it because it took me like 30 minutes to even make this because I don't know how to convert the one I made in Excel to a jpeg. I resorted to using an online graph generator and it doesn't let me display the values as percentages!! Ugh, should I delete it? No, I'll leave it up as a lesson to Microsoft to show them how impractical it is to not let people save pie charts as jpegs and as a lesson to myself to never make a pie chart while I'm hungover again. Or possibly ever because I clearly don't understand them and I can't believe I had the gall to make it a 3D chart. All it's done is display how retarded I am in 3D. 

FUCK MY LIFE. 

Well, here's a pie that I understand all too well...

I've been constructing the most glorious pizzas via Pizza Hut's Flavor of Now options. You can pick all kinds of sauces, drizzles and powders that they can dust on the crusts. I believe I've created the most addicting and delicious possible combination and have elevated myself to becoming a VIP Pizza Hut customer by ordering this pizza so much. If you have any kind of respect yourself, you will order the following combo: 

PAN PIZZA CRUST

GARLIC PARMESAN SAUCE

PINEAPPLE

PEPPERONI

HUT'S FAVORITE CRUST EDGE

The Yum! Brands corporation does not commission me to promote their products, I am just a creepy consumer of all of their products. In fact, I am pretty sure all the complementary and constructive e-mails that I routinely send to them have placed me on some sort of government watch list of creepy people.