Tenderizing my loins in the Tenderloin

I am in very deep denial about this, but I am slowly beginning to realize that my days in San Francisco are numbered because I will be relocating my ass to LA to pursue my dreams of becoming a video ho and to find myself a wealthy Persian husband. I am well aware of the fact that SF shits on LA in every conceivable way but I am very much a masochist and prefer to live under oppressive conditions. If you know me personally, you are probably going to cry yourself to sleep every night without me, so you should seize this opportunity to shower me with burritos, dutch crunch bread, and 40's.

Since I don't have much time left, I figure I need to spend as much time as I can in my favorite part of town, the Tenderloin (next to Clement Street and Lower Irving, of course). Magical things happen to me when I come here. Just the other day when I was waiting to cross the street, an extremely homeless man linked arms with me and exclaimed, "TAKE ME WITH YOU!" I responded with, "Where to m'lady?" And he said, "Anywhere! Just take me with you!" I promptly jumped on his back and we ran off into the sunset. I spent the remainder of the evening cornrowing his muttonchops as he spoon fed me a bowl of refried beans.

Whaaaat the fuck am I even talking about anymore?

Okay so, Red Crawfish on Larkin and Eddy is a lot like Boiling Crab in San Jose, only on crack. In addition to spiced and buttered seafood that you eat with your hands, they have a bunch of entrees, noodle dishes, soup, and an extensive beverage list that includes avocado milkshakes and Thai tea. Basically, it's an Asian wonderland.

Garlic noodles was the ooooone.

Who the hell batters sweet potato fries?? (I'm really not mad doe) Also, the Cajun fries will set that bootyhole on fire.

Garlic butter scrimps was bangin.

The crawfish were FAT and most definitely shit on the rollie polies I got at Boiling Crab. (Again, not hating, just keepin it one hunnid.)

GARLIC WANGS. Yes, we did eat THAT much garlic. Me and Jenn stay eatin like every day's our birthday.

My little brown friend, Gabby put me onto another spot that's right up the street from Red Crawfish called Lers Ros. It's one of my new favorite Thai restaurants in the city because the menu features a bold assortment of meats like rabbit, alligator, and venison. I didn't order any of that shit because it was hella more expensive as in double the price of the regular priced items, which are extremely cheap ($6-$9). Also, that meat sounds sketch.

The yellow coconut milk curry with my personal favorite, DUCK. I just painted my nails yellow and I think the best part about it is that no one can tell if your nails are curry stained or not. Ah, the perks of being a lady.

The pork belly with crispy rinds with basil leaves. My people call this lechon kawali, which is tagalog for "quadruple bypass surgery."

We also ordered crab fried rice, catfish, and sticky rice...BANG BANG!!!

That two block radius has some of the best Vietnamese and Thai food in San Francisco. If you ever need pho, banh mi, duck soup, crawfish, etc...fuck driving all the way to San Jo and go to the Tenderloin. So what if you find a person of questionable gender taking a dump in your truck bed, at least you will have a gut full of delicious and an amazing story for the grand kids.

Now let me tell you about parking lot PIMPIN. It is imperative for one to pre-party before hitting up the spot because people at the bars/clubs are out to rob you. For example, Linzy and Trina here hit up the Grocery Outlet and picked up an $8 DELUXE magnum bottle of prosecco. You are correct, that is very fancy. And if you wanna very very fancy, you can cop that Cook's or Andre for like $5.99.

This bitch is tagging up walls like she's Banksy or some shit. But good lookin out though.


Aaron John said…
I love the title of your blog!! lol
Paige W said…
Very thooughtful blog

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