Lost My Red Lobster V-Card

I am a shitty blog updater because I am the type of blogger that doesn't actually own my own computer. As pathetic as it is, I have been using my younger brothers computer in exchange for packages of Top Ramen. Unfortunately, in addition to being small and defenseless, he never got the hang of using opposable thumbs and so long story short, he broke his computer screen. Thus, I have become computerless, which has completely obliterated my social life and I have been forced to resort to a life of crime. Right now, I am actually blogging from a payphone in Tijuana that happens to be located inside of a Mexican jail.

ANYWAYS...my colleagues Linzy and T(r)ina and I had some grown woman discussions that we needed to take care of the other night so we decided to hold a bidness dinner. As boss ladies, we needed to choose the proper venue because we know how important it is to throw around business jargon in our pant suits over a fine meal. After several days of intense contemplation, diligent Yelping, and non-stop mud wrestling, we settled on Red Lobster because for one, I had never been and two, I am not one to turn down cheddar biscuits...NOT NEVER.

Since there are ZERO Red Lobster locations in San Francisco, we had to travel 69 miles beyond city limits to a quaint little town called San Bruno. Sometimes it's nice to get out of the city and mingle with the laid back country folk. Apparently, Red Lobster is the Hollywood Boulevard of San Bruno because the place was packed, there was a 30 minute wait, and a topsy-tailed door Nazi was manning the entrance, telling people to talk to the hand. The wait turned out to be okay because as economically efficient women, we came prepared with a 12 pack and large purses.

Although ugly, tote bags are convenient for storing most varieties of liquor. I once had a friend who owned a tote bag so large that it fit an entire full-sized jug of Carlo Rossi. They are also inconspicuous because they are popular with the elderly and people who shop at Whole Foods.

Quietly retreated to the restroom to change eachothers diapers and shotgun some beers. This practice is customary at most restaurants located west of the Mississippi and east of Las Vegas.

After being led to our luxuriously spacious VIP booth in the Champagne Room, we were lovingly showered with baskets of these cheesy golden delights. I was truly blown away by the savory tenderness better known as the Cheddar Bay biscuits. My palate concluded that they are made up of one part Bisquick, two parts grade double-A refined Connecticut Velveeta and three parts New England butt chowder.

We all ordered the platter that came with lobster, a shrimp skewer, and shrimp scampi. The platters were garnished with a stainless steel vat of clarified "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

The lobster. It was surprisingly non-toxic and I was able to retain control of my bowel movement. So, we're friends :)

Me and the shrimp scampi became more than friends. I get along with most things that are sitting in a bed of butter and encrusted with cheese.

Red Lobster is a fine establishment and is an ideal place to conduct business meetings, birthday parties, surgical consultations, YOU NAME IT. I was so pleased that I even wrote Red Lobster an e-mail with a few compliments and suggestions. It went like so:

I visited one of your restaurants for the first time yesterday and I was completely blown away by the quality of your Cheddar Bay biscuits. Although, I found your seafood and other offerings to be satisfactory, I felt as though the biscuits were the stand-out hit of the entire meal.

Being that your restaurant has already established a devoted following and assuming that your business is open to maintaining and expanding that following, it would be beneficial for you and your patrons to consider opening an express window. I have spoken to a number of people about this idea and they agreed that they would frequent your restaurant more often if there was an express window. Many people simply do not have the time to enjoy the full dining experience at your restaurants but would love to pick up several dozen of your biscuits and shrimp on their way home from work. It would be a quick, convenient option for your busier patrons. Perhaps even implementing an online ordering system, which would increase the efficiency and accuracy of the ordering process.

Please take my suggestion into consideration and feel free to contact me if you have any further questions or simply seek my expert opinion.

Thank you.

I signed it as "Boo Thang." I am very suave and am a connoisseur when it comes to writing love letters. They promptly responded with this:

Dear Ms. Thang,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us. It is always a pleasure to hear from our guests.

We appreciate your suggestions and have forwarded your comments to the right departments for consideration.

Again, thank you for taking the time to share your comments. Please do not hesitate to contact us, if we may be of further assistance.


Senior Guest Relations Representative

Russell and I have been online dating ever since. This is a picture of our children:


Bitterlemon said…
I read your blog to my husband, who's an illiterate slob (he's also the GM of The Coast in DC - the one which Yelp jacked your review & would also like to gain your favor with much cheeesy goodness on your next DC visit!) and we laugh hysterically. Please get out of the TJ slam quick time 'cause we ain't got much to talk about 'til your next post! Love you long time.
MEL said…
I am glad my blog is holding up your marriage and I am even more excited that I am on the T-Coasts good side.

Also, I feel dirty commenting on my blog. Thanks a lot.

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