I Cook, People Get Hurt

I have been on an insane cooking hype lately because I have discovered that I am a budding Auguste Escoffier in the kitchen. Okay, that was kind of a stretch, I am sure he is convulsing in his grave somewhere and chef's all around the world are frantically searching for my address so that they can shit on my lawn. As there is already enough shit on my lawn, I will retract that statement and admit that when I cook, I have the grace of an armless Sandra Lee on quaaludes. For those of you who don't know who Sandra Lee is, she is the crazy bitch on the Food Network that made this monstrosity:

SMH x100000000000000000000000000

If you know me at all, you know that I have an affinity for Ranch dressing and chicken wings. I don't know if I eat chicken wings for the Ranch or if I eat the Ranch for the wings. What I do know is, I am a genius for wanting to make a hybrid of the two by making RANCH CHICKEN WINGS. This is the recipe I stole from this website:


* 1 pound chicken wings
* 1 cup all-purpose flour
* Oil for deep-fat frying
* 1 envelope ranch salad dressing mix
* 1 teaspoon minced garlic
* 1/2 teaspoon salt
* 1/2 teaspoon pepper


* Cut chicken wings into three sections; discard wing tips. Place flour in a large resealable plastic bag; add chicken wings, a few at a time, and shake to coat.
* In an electric skillet or deep-fat fryer, heat oil to 375°. Fry chicken wings, a few at a time, for 8 minutes or until golden brown and crispy and juices run clear, turning occasionally. Drain on paper towels.
* In a large resealable plastic bag, combine the dressing mix, garlic, salt and pepper; add chicken wings, a few at a time, and shake to coat. Place chicken in a greased 15-in. x 10-in. x 1-in. baking pan. Sprinkle with remaining salad dressing mixture. Bake, uncovered, at 350° for 8-10 minutes or until coating is set. Yield: 1 dozen.

Coated these shits in flour.

Fried them without causing injury to myself or anyone around me which was shocking/delightful.

Two envelopes of inexpensive powdered sex.

Sprinkled the crack atop the fried goodness and popped it in the oven.

And just like that, I was richer than the richest, CERTIFIED GETTIN IT.

This dish caused no one any harm and it was relatively easy to make. But don't get too impressed because the next meal was pretty lethal. I invited my friends over because I was going to cook dinner and rent movies so that we could have a normal, non-bizarre weekend for a change. I decided to go the Italian route and make spinach-stuffed Portobello mushrooms, some kind of creamy pancetta pasta, and a Caprese salad.

The spinach-stuffed Portobello mushroom. Gutted and grilled the portobellos. Sauteed garlic, onions, salt, pepper, and chopped pancetta. Added a little bit of cream and let it simmer, then I added the spinach. Put the spinach mixture in the shrooms, topped it with shaved parmesan cheese and bread crumbs. Drizzied it with olive oil and popped it in the oven for like 10 minutes at 325 degrees. I pulled this recipe from between my anus and rectum, so I'm not sure exactly how it ended up being so delicious.

The pasta was easy. Sauteed more garlic and onions in olive oil, added the pancetta and fried it. Put in some cream, milk, parmesan cheese, and tomato sauce and let it simmer. Added some egg noodles and just waited til the noodles were cooked. I saw Giada do this with egg noodles so I figured I could do it too. Added some fresh chopped basil and tomatoes to it and put it in a large ceramic bowl with cat cartoons on it. BLAP!

Way too easy. Just chopped up tomatoes, a slice of fresh mozzarella, stacked em, topped them with basil leaves and drizzied them with balsamic vinegar and olive oil. We made sexy time.

As you might have noticed, I used a shit ton of CHEESE in everything. This made everything really tasty and crackin' BUT what I failed to realize was that putting that much dairy in one meal will result in violent flatulence. Thus, I invited my friends over and ended up giving them a case of extreme BUTT TRUMPET. Very cute.

Lastly, I cooked a meal that didn't disturb any bowels BUT my friends almost died of smoke inhalation. I invited them over for Korean-style chicken wings, my interpretation of cole slaw, gzoya, and a strawberry trifle-esque cake. They reluctantly showed up. Long story short, I overheated the oil by 1000 degrees, dropped the chicken in, it turned black, a thicket of smoke engulfed my house, and everyone was on the lawn, coughing and bleeding. For some reason, my friends went back in and helped me cook the rest of the meal. What sweet, desperate people they are.

I am a huge fan of Kyo-Chon, which is a Korean fried chicken place in Los Angeles and you can learn more about that obsession by checking out this review I did of it. I found the following recipe on a blog that I don't remember and can't find anymore. The blog was presumably written by Koreans or people who like Korean fried chicken (which could be ANYONE). Whatever, hats off to you whoever you are because this shit cracked.

Kyo-chon Fried Chicken


* 1 Chicken, cut up
* 1/4 c. Starch
* 1/4 c. Flour
* 1 Tbsp. Garlic Powder
* 2 cloves Garlic, crushed
* 2 tsp. Sugar
* 1 tsp. Ginger Powder
* 1/2 tsp. Black Pepper
* 1 tsp. Salt
* 1 tsp. Baking Soda
* Water (enough to make a thick batter)
* Oil, for frying

1. Rinse and dry the chicken.

2. Combine all the dry ingredients. Add water a little at a time until it becomes a thick batter, like pancake batter.

3. Heat the oil to 350 degrees F.

4. Dip the chicken pieces, one at a time, in the batter. Let the excess drip off and fry them in the oil for around five minutes. Don’t overcrowd. Fry just a few at a time.

5. Drain and serve immediately

Alright so I changed it a little bit cause it lacked a little bit of the sweetness that the Kyo-Chon wangs have so I lightly some sprinkled sugar on the wings after I fried em and popped them in the oven for a bit. After that, it came out pretty delicious. My friend Erika loved them and she used to be the one to go to Kyo-Chon with me all the time. Then again, she was drunk so her opinion halfway doesn't count because intoxication = a lack of discrimination toward any sort of food.

Kyo-Chon serves a slaw of cabbage, mayo, and ketchup which is a nice gesture but lightweight gross. I pimped it out by using green and red cabbage, avocado, and corn then using a dressing made of mayo, chili powder, lemon juice, salt, and a little bit of sugar. It was like a hybrid between an elote and a cole slaw with avocado.

I put Jizzo in charge of bringing Ling Ling's and she delivered. I killed them by trying to fry them while still frozen and it resulted in SMOKE INHALATION ROUND 2.

Strawberries were 3 packs for $5.00 at the store so I made this. Layered store bought angel cake between a mixture of marscapone, cream, sugar, vanilla, strawberry puree, and chopped strawberries. Very Sandra Lee.

I guess I got strawberry puree on my shirt while making the cake and so it looks like Borat's eyeball exploded. Sexy time, indeed.

I've learned that there are scientific consequences involved when cooking and if you are not careful, you could potentially kill your guests. Fortunately, my homies are desperate for free meals and have resilient lungs.

*After reading this post over, I am really confused as to why I thought I would be qualified to write a food blog. Two years into this and I'm even more unqualified than the day I started.


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