You're Welcome: My Dieting Secrets Revealed

Some of you may not know this, but I am very famous in my native village for my natural ability to work out tirelessly and see absolutely no results whatsoever. So much so that the other villagers have built a statue in my likeness. In fact, it's the world's first and only statue of a fat girl eating a hot dog on a treadmill. 

I've come to terms with the fact that my body is an anomaly/farce because I have decided to embrace my destiny of being shaped like a rigatoni. And as a gift to society, I am outlining my diet plan so that others can achieve this level of stagnation. Remember, you must follow this diet to a T if you intend on reversing the progress of your workouts. 

First, you must go to lunch alone while getting an oil change on your lunch break. I chose Tara's Himalayan Cuisine in West LA because it had the most Yelp stars within a one block radius of the lube place. Use this opportunity to dehydrate your self with a Himalayan beverage with lots of hops and carbohydrates. 

Next, you must select a lunch special because they are only $8.99 and fucking delicious. I chose the Chicken Tikka Masala special, but subbed the chicken for paneer (cheese) because one must never choose a lean protein when there is cheese available. 

The next step is somewhat difficult because you have to be nice to people. I somehow charmed two of my coworkers into giving me both an Italian ice from Rita's and a mint chocolate chip ice cream cone on the same day. Sometimes, I am just so blessed. Make sure you eat these at the same time so that when your coworkers see you, they will secretly wonder how you still work there.

This next step is CRUCIAL. You must go to El Compadre in Echo Park because "compadre" is the Spanish word for friend and this place is full of em. How so, you ask? Because only friends sell you flaming margaritas. Make sure that when everyone else you are dining with orders "skinny" margaritas, that you specify to the waiter that you would like a regular one because god forbid you consciously consume Splenda. 

Next, order the Carne Asada plate because who can say no to a handsome Mexican steak? I sure can't. Just ask my compadres! 

Always remember that when you are out drinking with your friends, your night is not complete until you have eaten a full breakfast at 3 a.m. at a 24 hour diner. My go-to place is Dupars located at the Farmers Market next to the Grove. Their pancakes are famous for being the best pancakes ever and for reviving the drunk from the dead. 

For those occasions when you simply do not have time to go to a diner because you are on your way to work but still want pancakes, I suggest having a hotcake breakfast from McDonalds and eating them on the center console of your car in a Target parking lot. Make sure you do this 10 minutes before you are supposed to be at work so that you don't have time to chew or digest anything properly. 

Sometimes, I like to have a cheat day and visit a Hillstone restaurant to make sure business is still going swimmingly. On this particular day, my family and I went to South Beverly Grill in Beverly Hills. We kicked things off with tartar sauce with a side of grilled artichokes. Since it was a cheat day, I just tossed the artichokes at the table next to us and spooned the tartar sauce into my mouth with my fingers. 

Took this photograph shortly before I asked this burger to sit on my face. 

I also ate a disproportionate amount of my boyfriend's Prime Rib Dip. Eating other peoples food is key when trying to maintain a sexy body. Also, I have no idea what a "cheat day" even means because clearly every day is a cheat day.

My brother and sister-in-law insisted that this Key Lime Pie was a force to be reckoned with, but I was up for the challenge. I spontaneously staged a pie eating contest with myself and took this slice to the dome. This upset my family since we were all supposed to share it. 

Sometimes you will go to spin and barre classes every day for a week straight, but don't let that deter you from never reaching your goal weight. There is a simple solution: eat lots of handmade pasta. Terroni in Downtown LA is the perfect place to carb up and down an entire bottle of wine. 

My heart decided on the Linguine Alle Vongole E Bottarga aka noodles with clams and delicious dried fish roe. And when I say my heart, I mean my back fat because that ruthless bitch has taken over my whole body. 

My pal, Waz ordered this gorgeous Rigatoni with Burrata dish. It's gorgeous because rigatoni is my body type. Some ladies are shaped like pears, not I...

We concluded that this had to be one of the tastiest tiramisu's that either of us had ever had. "There is nothing more nourishing than a jar of cheese-laden cream and espresso soaked cookies," as my nutritionist would say. Just kidding, I said that. 

And there you have it, society. GO FORTH AND PROSPER!