"Ravenous Pack of She-Wolves"

So, my buddies Jenn and Raf like to refer to my friends and I as a "Ravenous Pack of She-wolves." I like this label because for one, it just sounds cool and two, it sure beats the nickname I use for us in my head, which is "Vague, Fat, Blind Inertia." I'll admit that I have no clue what the fuck "she-wolves" are so I Google image searched it and I found this amazing picture...


These armed, leaf-wearing chicks are bangin, so I assume that Jenn and Raf are calling us sexy. I'm not entirely sure if this is the cover of an animated porn DVD or not because I found this blurb beneath the photo: "The fate of the entire world hangs in the balance as a bevy of scantily clad beauties do battle in sprawling junkyards and treacherous gravel pits in order to determine the ultimate female warrior." ....Yeah, that's us alright.

I do my most destructive eating when I'm with my friends because we all share an affinity for collecting back fat and lack common sense, self-awareness, motor skills, etc. We literally have nothing else in common but when friends share common vices (chicken wings), most other things tend to be irrelevant. So all that is left to do is get our drank on and do hoodrat things with eachother.

For example, last week we celebrated St. Patrick's Day in style--at the new Hooters in San Bruno's signature dirt mall, Tanforan. Keep in mind, we are Asian and generally confused about Caucasian customs, so we WOULD think this is an appropriate place to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. I am proud to announce we weren't stupid enough to drink green beer. That's like shitting yourself and wearing your soiled underwear around your neck. People with green beer mouth are just asking for a beating/an arrest and will under no circumstances get laid. This rule also applies to people who wear shoes that look like this:




WANGS, FRIED PICKLES, and PITCHER UPON PITCHER OF BEER.


There are times in my life when I sit back and think to myself, "Damn girl, you have made it in this world." After I re-garnished this beer and photographed it, I had one of those moments. REVEL IN MY GLORY.

We were abruptly removed from the restaurant after Gabby coerced our waitress into eating a cookie that she snuck in and creepily demanded that she be named the manager of Hooters. Ended the night by barfing along the Guadalupe Canyon. So romantic.

Example #2 of our ravenous she-wolving..."BRUNCH"




A menagerie of Girl Scout Cookies atop the bar.


Brunch at Zazie's in Cole Valley, SF.


MANGO MIMOSA. This was retarded good but my only gripe would be that they weren't bottomless, so I'm not entirely sure you could classify this meal as brunch. Brunch is not brunch unless you walk away cross-eyed and pantsless.


Even though there was an absence of free-flowing alcohol, they completely redeemed themselves with their POACHED EGGS. I got the one with CRAB AND AVOCADO. Okay, I've been sitting here trying to think of the right words to describe how violently sexy these eggs are, but I cannot find words to express its greatness. BEYONCE. These are just, plain BEYONCE.


After a long day of waiting for the sun to go down so that we could eat dinner at a socially acceptable hour, me and Jizzo hit up PHAT PHILLY on Valencia and 24th. Got the California Cheesesteak with Kobe beef, cheese whiz, bacon, caramelized onions, and avocado AND waffle fries. I would sell my future children for one of these. Kind of like how you can pre-order video games and DVD's before they come out.


This is me and my She-Wolfpack congregating in our breakdancing circle. Don't get it twisted, I can still cut up a rug after all that insane eating.

I Tries To Make Pies

If any of you ever fantasize about what I look like when I am writing in my blog (which I'm sure approximately 100% of you do), I decided to take a photo of myself using my webcam. If you are on a public computer, I should remind you that it is unlawful to do anything Jesus wouldn't do with it in public. Although, I admit that the sight of my angelic, flawlessly sculpted face has been known to turn the purest of Amish ladies/monks/televangelists into rouged-knee harlots.


"9,000 lbs of BEEFCAKE + a flock of peacocks + Fabio's bush = .0004% of this He-man's DNA" is what is written on my medical records. And yes, my eggs ARE for sale if you have a black AMEX card or own a foie gras farm.

So I stole this Neopolitan Pizza recipe from the Food Network website (which you can find here) but somehow, I think I added 4,000 more calories to this pizza because I have a propensity to abuse cheese. I have never made pizza in my life so this was kind of challenging being that I made everything from scratch. Honestly, I don't even think I've ever made a frozen one...

Ingredients

Pizza Dough:

* 8 ounces water
* 1/8-ounce yeast
* 1/4-ounce salt
* 1 pound bread flour
* 1/8 cup olive oil
* 1/8 cup cornmeal

Tomato sauce:

* 2 ounces salt pork or fat back (I used pancetta)
* 1 onion, diced
* 2 cloves garlic, minced
* 16 ounces crushed plum tomatoes
* 4 ounces tomato puree
* 8 ounces beef stock
* 1 bay leaf
* Pinch thyme
* 1/2-ounce salt

Toppings (Use as much of each topping as you want, I know I did):

* Pancetta
* Fresh mozzarella
* Shredded fontina
* Shaved parmesan
* Basil

Directions

Place the water in a large bowl or mixer with a dough hook. Dissolve the yeast in the water. Add the remaining ingredients except cornmeal and mix on low speed until a ball is formed. Change to medium speed and mix approximately for 1 to 2 minutes until a smooth and elastic dough is formed. Remove the dough from the bowl, cut the dough into 2 portions, roll into tight balls and place in lightly oiled sheet pan, cover and let proof for a minimum of 4 hours. Preheat oven to 425 degrees F. To make the sauce, place the salt pork in a large sauce pot and render the fat. Add the onions and saute until translucent. Add the garlic and saute until the aroma is apparent. Add the crushed tomatoes, puree, and stock to the pot and bring to a simmer. Add the bay leaf, thyme, and salt and allow to simmer for 1 1/2 hours. Remove the bay leaf, puree the sauce and adjust the seasonings. Once the dough is ready, roll each piece out using a rolling pin until dough in approximately 1/4-inch thick. Spoon some tomato sauce on top of the dough. Layer the mozzarella, place the pizza on a sheet pan dusted with cornmeal and bake for 10 to 15 minutes until crispy and golden. Garnish with basil leaves.


I made the dough by putting the yeast, flour, water, salt, and olive oil in a Large Hadron Collider . But common folk don't own those, so you can just use a KitchenAid mixer and get similar results.






I taught Chef Boyardee/Emeril/Mario Batali how to cook sauces. They aren't even close to being my star pupils, but then again, no one can work a tomato like I can.


After refrigerating this ball of dough for 4 hours, you're supposed to roll it out. It looks easy on TV but it's not even remotely close to easy and I would probably ace the LSAT's before I'd roll this into anything circular.


A plethora of fine, expensive cheeses that were imported from far away, European dairy farms.


Murdered the assailants.


Distribute as generously as humanly possible-as if your sick, sad life depended on the amount of cheese on it.




OSTENTATIOUS, YOU SAY? Why thank you...my sullied pantaloons seem to agree. I know we're in a recession but there's no way in hell I am going to scrimp on pizza toppings.

Apparently, I also made a Glazed Apple Cream Pie and got the recipe from RIGHT HERE. (I know this is a recipe for a "cream pie" but I promise this isn't a link to porn.)

Ingredients

* 1/2 cup white sugar
* 1/2 cup milk
* 1/2 cup heavy cream
* 1/4 cup butter
* 2 tablespoons cornstarch
* 2 tablespoons milk
* 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
* 2 tart apples - peeled, cored and sliced
* 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
* 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
* 1 (15 ounce) package pastry for double-crust pie
* 1/2 cup confectioners' sugar
* 1 tablespoon milk
* 1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
* 1 tablespoon butter, softened

Directions

1. In a medium saucepan over medium heat, combine 1/2 cup sugar, 1/2 cup milk, 1/2 cup cream, and 1/4 cup butter. Heat until butter is melted, stirring occasionally. In a small bowl, whisk together the cornstarch, 2 tablespoons milk, and vanilla; stir into saucepan. Cook until thickened, stirring constantly. Remove from heat, and set aside to cool slightly.
2. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). In a medium bowl, combine the apples, flour, and cinnamon. Mix well.
3. Line a 9 inch pie pan with pie dough. Pour thickened filling mixture into pastry-lined pie pan. Arrange apple mixture evenly over filling. Top with second crust, seal and flute the edges. Cut slits in top crust.
4. Bake for 30 to 40 minutes, or until crust is golden brown and apples are tender. Cool for at least 30 minutes.
5. In small bowl, combine confectioners' sugar, 1 tablespoon milk, 1/4 teaspoon vanilla, and 1 tablespoon softened butter. Blend until smooth; pour evenly over warm pie. Refrigerate for AT LEAST 1 1/2 hours before serving (longer is better).


I already made one pie crust from scratch, you've gotta be shittin' me if you think I'll do it twice in this lifetime. That's where Betty Crocker comes in and saves the day.


Like so.


Rolling the dough out made me cry and shit my pants, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who isn't already depressed.




Chopped up a Pink Lady apple and doused it in cinnamon and possibly other substances that may or may not be bodily?


The CREAM filling, which is pretty much just butter, sugar, and straight up booty.


Sealed the fillings between the crusts and popped that shit in the oven for a while.


Came out lookin go'geous and I glazed it with more sugar, vanilla, and liquid stuff.


BLAP! Made it my son.

And that folks, is how you make delicious cat food.

Internet Beef, Ceviche, & Pie

Yesterday, I was taken aback by a startling e-mail that I received from a fellow named "Casper" from Yelp.com HQ. It contained this message:

Hi Mel,

We're writing to let you know about our decision to remove your review of Tortilla Coast. Your review was flagged by the Yelp community, and our Support team has determined that it falls outside our Review Guidelines (http://www.yelp.com/faq#great_review) because it lacks a first-hand experience of the business.

We review every situation with detail and take the removal of reviews very seriously.


Regards,
Casper
Yelp User Support
San Francisco, California

Yelp Official Blog | http://officialblog.yelp.com
Yelp Frequently Asked Questions | http://www.yelp.com/faq

Removed Review: I have never been here but it gets 5 stars because its called the TORTILLA COAST. 'Nuff said.


.......................uhhhhhh, what may I ask is wrong with giving a FIVE STAR REVIEW to a place you've never been to? It's not my fault it's inconveniently located across the country in WASHINGTON D.C. Trust, if it was in San Francisco, I would be Tortilla Coasting my ass off but it's not and I'll give a place 5 stars for being properly named if I damn well feel like, AIGHT CASPER??

Also, T-Coast better watch out cause they got some haters monitoring and flagging their reviews pretty aggressively. I'd say more threatening things but the T-Coast is located on Capitol Hill, so its possible the Feds are the ones hating on The Coast. I don't want to make any speculations as to why the Feds may be trying to conspire with Yelp against the Tortilla Coast but all I have to say is, have mercy on them because all they're trying to do is serve margaritas and (probably) mediocre tacos to lowly staffers on The Hill. Again, I'm not trying to make any false accusations because I don't want to end up in the FBI Headquarters building, getting cavity searched because I accidentally uncovered some kind of government conspiracy against bootleg Mexican restaurants on the eastcoast. Although, that would mean I get to visit my friend, Steph in D.C. and then I could visit Ben's Chili Bowl :)

On a lighter note, I ate delicious ceviche the other day at La Mar Cebicheria Peruana in San Francisco. It's located along the Embarcadero at Pier 1.5, which is next to the Ferry Building. Me and my homie went to grab drinks and noms around 3 on a Sunday, so we were there in between lunch and dinner hours. We were limited to ordering from the bar area and all we could order was ceviche and causas, which was okay because they were amazing and I didn't have to unbutton my jeans afterward.

*WARNING: These photographs that I look MYSELF are disturbingly arousing.*


This is a Peruvian beer called Cusquena. It was light, delicious and complimented the sea creatures beautifully because it was like having a beer aquarium in my mouth.


Bombass plantain and potato chips with a trio of salsa-esque dips that made my butt quiver with delight.


This is the Causa Casera. The top is a mix of artichokes, asparagus, avocado and
tomato confit with basil cilantro oil and the bottom portion is made of purple potato. It looks like play dough but tastes like sexy.


Got the cebiche tasting with 4 different kinds of cebiche. It came with the Mixto (Mahi-mahi, octopus, and calamari), Chifa (Mahi-mahi with Chinese accoutrements), Clasico (halibut), and Nikei (ahi tuna).


The Nikei. Check out that gorgeous avocado arrangement...#killyoself


The Chifa was my favorite because they were smart enough to incorporate fried wontons into the cebiche. Fried + Raw Seafood = Nudity.

Naturally, I needed some pie after all that light freshness. Hit up Mission Pie for some gorgeous pies and coffee. They pride themselves on being green/sustainable/organic and all that good stuff, which is admirable and makes me feel slightly less fat, even though I know none of those practices guarantee weight loss.


Banana skeet pie.


Shaker lemon pie.

I think the best part of my experience was the charming youth working behind the counter who was shamelessly rapping along to every song on the radio while reluctantly helping customers. Reminded me of a younger me.

On a side note, I hopped up out of bed, turned my swag on, took a look in the mirror and said, "You look like Rick James today." Thank god for hot irons.

Domestication: Cuban Food & Coconut Cake

After watching Julie & Julia with my mom, I immediately slit my wrists and watched "Hood 2 Hood" 4 times in a row in attempt to rid myself of the filth that I had just witnessed. Under no circumstances should anyone watch this movie NOT under the influence of mushrooms. Meryl Streep talking in that obnoxious Julia Child's voice instantly blew out my left and right ear drums and that Peter Pan-looking broad's haircut is singlehandedly responsible for every case of clinical depression in America. Then again, so are the "bangs" that I gave myself with my roommates kitchen scissors. Anyhow, the movie reminded me that I should join the rest of the food blogging/adult female community and cook something once in a while.

Thank goodness I decided to cook because I am a cooking GOD. I am the MANNY PACQUIAO of the kitchen (DIE CLOTTEY). As you might recall from previous Cuban-related posts, I am very good at eating Cuban food and I figured I would be equally as good at cooking it, which turns out to be true. I made camarones al ajillo aka garlic shrimp (with some red snapper because I had extra lying around), Arroz Moro aka white rice with Cuban black beans, and platanos aka plantains.

Here's the garlic shrimp recipe from epicurian.com. I made some modifications because I did it a little bit different.

CAMARONES Y RED SNAPPER AL AJILLO

INGREDIENTS:
1/2 cup pure Spanish olive oil or more to taste
10 garlic, finely chopped
1 pound prawns or medium shrimp
2 red snapper filets
1/3 cup flour
ice cubes
salt and pepper
4-5 tomatillos
juice of 2 limes
pinch of dried oregano
1/4 cup finely chopped fresh cilantro

Directions:
In a large skillet over low heat, heat the oil until it is fragrant, then cook the garlic and tomatillos, stirring, 1 to 2 minutes. Mix flour with water add ice cubes to make a batter. But salt and pepper on the shrimp, cut the fish into smaller pieces, and batter them. Raise the heat to medium, add the shrimp and fish, and cook, stirring, until they turn pink/cook, 5 minutes. (If you prefer extra oil, add it along with shrimp.) Add the lime juice, salt, oregano, and cilantro, and stir well.


Annihilate this to shreds.


Toss ya scrimps like a salad.


Tomatillos y lime.


SIMMMMMER.


Cook with the fishies.


DAMN BABY, how much? Plate it nicely, add more cilantro, and throw it on a street corner. SCRIMPIN'.

Next is the ARROZ MORO. I got it from tasteofcuba.com (DIBS).

INGREDIENTS:

2 cans of black beans
3-4 cups of already cooked white rice
1/3 cup of sofrito casero (Blend onion, bell pepper, garlic and cilantro til puree)
Salt and pepper to taste
1/2 teaspoon cumin
1/2 teaspoon of oregano and a drizzle of vinegar
2 garlic clove finely chopped
1 cup of beer
1/2 can tomato sauce


In a pot, add olive oil and sautee garlic and sofrito for a minute. Add salt, pepper, cumin and oregano to sofrito and mix. Add beans and mix well. Add tomato sauce and beer or broth and mix.

After 5 minutes, add vinegar and stir. Add 2-3 cups of already cooked white rice (at room temperature) and mix well. Cook until all is absorbed (about 10-15 minutes).

Let sit for 10-15 minutes before serving.


The sofrito mix.


Pureed the sofrito with olive oil and it turned into this boogery slush.


Heated it up with the garlic and spicies.


Added a touch of class with a cup of PBR.




MMMMM....MAGICAL.

I also made some platanos. You just peel, cut in half, and fry them til they blister. Pair it with some Mexican crema and INHALE.




AIN'T NOTHIN TO A BOSS. Look at that, pure unadulterated talent on a platter.


GLORIA ESTEFAN APPROVED

So I also made a cake. I don't know why I was being so wildly ambitious the other day but I guess I became possessed by Paula Deen's alarming passion for butter because I made a coconut cake with pineapple cream cheese frosting. The original recipe was Ina Garten's coconut cake recipe (Paula's recipe was scary) but I added pineapple to the frosting and made it my own.

INGREDIENTS:

* 3/4 pound (3 sticks) unsalted butter, at room temperature, plus more for greasing the pans
* 2 cups sugar
* 5 extra-large eggs, at room temperature
* 1 1/2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
* 1 1/2 teaspoons pure almond extract
* 3 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting the pans
* 1 teaspoon baking powder
* 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
* 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
* 1 cup milk
* 4 ounces sweetened shredded coconut

For the frosting:

* 1 pound cream cheese, at room temperature
* 1/2 pound (2 sticks) unsalted butter, at room temperature
* 3/4 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
* 1/4 teaspoon pure almond extract
* 1 pound confectioners' sugar, sifted
* 6 ounces sweetened shredded coconut
* 1/2 can of crushed pineapple

DIRECTIONS:

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Grease 2 (9-inch) round cake pans, then line them parchment paper. Grease them again and dust lightly with flour.

In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, cream the butter and sugar on medium-high speed for 3 to 5 minutes, until light yellow and fluffy. Crack the eggs into a small bowl. With the mixer on medium speed, add the eggs 1 at a time, scraping down the bowl once during mixing. Add the vanilla and almond extracts and mix well. The mixture might look curdled; don't be concerned.

In a separate bowl, sift together the flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. With the mixer on low speed, alternately add the dry ingredients and the milk to the batter in 3 parts, beginning and ending with dry ingredients. Mix until just combined. Fold in the 4 ounces of coconut with a rubber spatula.

Pour the batter evenly into the 2 pans and smooth the top with a knife. Bake in the center of the oven for 45 to 55 minutes, until the tops are browned and a cake tester comes out clean. Cool on a baking rack for 30 minutes, then turn the cakes out onto a baking rack to finish cooling.

For the frosting, in the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, combine the cream cheese, butter, vanilla and almond extract on low speed. Add the confectioners' sugar and mix until just smooth (don't whip!).

To assemble, place 1 layer on a flat serving plate, top side down, and spread with frosting. Place the second layer on top, top side up, and frost the top and sides. To decorate the cake, sprinkle the top with coconut and lightly press more coconut onto the sides. Serve at room temperature.













And there you have it, I am a LADY. What a transformation it has been...I am getting used to the childbearing and the whole being potty trained thing. I owe my domestication to this majestic woman: