No Hands: Umami Burger + Denny's

FINALLY HAVE A CAMERA!! ! Long story short, I was robbed by Rastafarians on Christmas and so I got an iPhone to make up for my losses. I'm back in business BIIIITCHES!!

So I finally hit up Umami Burger on Cahuenga in Hollywood because I was shopping at Urban across from Umami and the entire shopping complex smelled like beefy sex. As fate would have it, my brother and sister-in-law called me to see if I wanted to eat at Umami...coincidence? I think not. I know when Jesus is sending my siblings and I dinner suggestions via telepathy.

The sides weren't anything to write home about but I did respect them, as I do with all fried things. The onion rings could get it again though, cause those crispy little golden bastards make a bitch wanna sang.

My broski, Jon got the Umami burger, which was filled with mushrooms and had some sort of lovely cheese disk inserted into it.

Betty got the Hatch Burger. Fucking had green chiles and house-made American cheese.

Alas, the burger that haunts and humps me in my slumber....THE TRUFFLE BURGER. The thick, juicy beef patty is cooked to pink, girlish perfection. It is violently doused in truffle oil and the patty is provocatively encased in a thicket of truffle infused cheese. It was so rich and buttery...I looked like a 4 year old that ate mommy's lip gloss.

If you play the noises I made whilst eating the truffle burger backwards, it sounds exactly like Led Zeppelin's, "Stairway to Heaven." And if you play that song backwards, you will hear satanic messages.

So the morning after New Years Eve, my friend Mona and I went to Denny's to ring in 2011 in style. Mind you, I was still possessed by the Four Loko/Kosher Wine/711 Moscato/Whiskey/Henn&Coke/Mystery Booze that I welcomed into my body the night I tried to order the first 4 pages of the Denny's menu. My pal stopped me from doing so, but we did order some GEMS.

The infamous FRIED CHEESE MELT. I couldn't bring myself to order this monstrosity, but I knew who would...MONA. Your eyes do not deceive you, indeed it is a grilled cheese sandwich with mozzarella sticks in it.

I ordered the basket of Pancake Puppies, Zesty Nachos, and a cup of coffee. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY would I choose this combo to be my first meal of 2011???????? Clearly, I have an affinity for ingesting vomit-like substances.

Bless my disgusting heart and Happy New Years.


Food Joints said…
I'm bookmarking these to try this weekend.
Sydney said…
These things look gorgeous and I am sure are delicious. I'm bookmarking these to try this weekend.

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