The Master Cleanse For Dummies
Long time no BROGGGG....eh? Well, I am a busy son of a bitch and I am devoting my limited attention span to watching the San Francisco Giants shit on everyone in the MLB. We made it to the World Series and after watching Games 1 & 2, I think it's safe to say that none of the Texas Rangers' dreams will ever come true. Not never. Not to mention, they are embarrassing the shit out of Chuck Norris.
I went on a little journey the other day called The Master Cleanse. After using deductive reasoning and failing a series of self-administered cholesterol tests, I came to the realization that the inside of my body is a toxic wasteland. Del Taco residue, refried beans and straight butter oozing out of every orifice. It was time to make some drastic changes in my diet and lifestyle...so I opted to starve myself completely and drink lemonade for 10 days straight. I heard a rumor that this is what Ghandi did to maintain his figure, so naturally, I decided to follow suit.
So I went to the nearest 99 cent store and stocked up on the freshest ingredients for my lemonade.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIjHo9zFmzJlh3EVRqJmAZL1J7mFZ29u6Kd2Gf7VRH7rwmEcnvSFCWiSqQg5QfOComQjsxLGDMILNSuwZxkKVdGmACfvxlZfD6B1dT1bQlKpZE2S0U67I05mQuEck2BnlCDTMy-jfX1UyG/s400/country-time-lemonade-8qt-drinks-mix-733-p.jpg)
First off, you need lemons. The recipe calls for fresh ones, but fresh citric acids are for rich people. I grabbed a lovely jar of powdery goodness called Country Time Lemonade instead and dropped 5 cups of dust into every serving.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0Alv6rInTZ6sdptHrmsC4vxfjIMdX0-w3rlF2kdZ1tbQwXYCYMwBa_1amgXG1TLujoNRWqgtietTMKZuS2aiOzW-q74Rbe379pT-l7Xv2ZRAbUFoRCFyUup_5JvWarYK33SNzTWlxJ72A/s400/mrs-butterworths-maple-syrup-logo.jpg)
Next, the recipe says to add pure maple syrup, so I got my favorite bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's and used around half a bottle per serving. This is supposed to act as a preservative for the enzymes in the Country Time, so use this liberally. You don't want those enzymes to die!
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijL9rmy1xhNz8ue9zBBrPMHMdU8i1JefKKWLldK1dQdEsqOWHf4sqQEHIrsFkjkpyNTY5VtynoqrJgxhAE-M2PToSlGvNWzohda7xsSYuEB8NXbcmRy4QdE0ATkLpBCVVls2MolWcyRU8N/s400/r+(66).jpg)
Lastly, the recipe calls for cayenne pepper. I am a woman with gourmet tastes, so I altered the recipe by dropping in a few dollops of Tapatio hot sauce. MUCHO FUEGO!
I mixed everything together with 1/3 cup of some of LA's finest tap water and SHABOOOM! It was like Thanksgiving dinner in a jug.
Next, I picked a few people who I liked to call my "Thinspirations". A friend introduced me to this dieting practice, which is common amongst anorexics.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm5bm-hyrD90VFpiZN1ET32MC1js3rQpnoganymdGK1fkbnFp5jsrffh-x-TvxePFz57oAYKVM4u2wxjinmGjB6dYRPmlHHK-tiZk5oqv3rf9J_JLLlbyF-263o4hCfD2wE2bKneZGoAkF/s400/pharrell-williams-20051101-81667.jpg)
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrs1yupf0-6FpA-dlKcs5J7ORVMMZzFeZW8JAp7cQndzh00aoMr-YkTMoBYlwS8_JBsiMl4-37aqPgRdN3XQUfnEeGTZUJ6R4oVWW5YBrV20z8bhW7FFfamuy_4S6HP7e37OADnh3maIjp/s400/images.jpeg)
First up is Pharrell Williams of N.E.R.D. I don't know what he doesn't eat but I would like ten thousand servings of whatever that is!
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiJJ8zInfxbpsE8RVnakXsGw7Ejibc5mVnX6zoFlF_9XgesHyLLyly66yEpjg_uI2Uraj6JHJY8qo0YyiDalSRiytbnvonIZzyRiWNgNovs3Mpu-PF31OgIzydFn9nNsRusYggPjt8XNPM/s400/willow-smith.jpg)
Here we have the incomparable, Willow Smith. Being a hybrid of two naturally slim Hollywood powerhouses and having the luck of going through prepubescence has done wonders for her figure. How does she do it??
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig2tqo5O21GYjzBN6d2LgRLf2BN4WJfmTxfVG_4AxGTAuw-DUsfUwvWHAZL_3DMNHnhQpZLVTIKU6Q80DQ_zAG21WJ3AqYeP5RYapHFICIznOTM1vhnybUIslcGj-6hlUWDEML2xkZEeOg/s400/Ostrich-Eggs.jpg)
This is an ostrich. Although it dons a fat, hairy torso, its legs and long, elegant neck are impeccably thin. What I wouldn't give to run a mile in those stems.
And so my journey began...
....And then it ended 3 days later because I turned into Cornholio. I ended my fast in my own booth at El Compadre, with a huge plate of enchiladas and beer. Once again, non-accidental masochism does not suit me.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCegELkXxaQPs1DBGZV4xl1Ef0nNogN4swVNHin9SpNIw5M23HwN9NLYqOR0uu4cy_1DzeHrWtuWVfICQStSOqVZbkU-uGg868r0A3ecHMvcZ_pez7PqIT-kwsYcRN8TmFxevQ2xLPWQ2z/s400/cornholio1.jpg)
I went on a little journey the other day called The Master Cleanse. After using deductive reasoning and failing a series of self-administered cholesterol tests, I came to the realization that the inside of my body is a toxic wasteland. Del Taco residue, refried beans and straight butter oozing out of every orifice. It was time to make some drastic changes in my diet and lifestyle...so I opted to starve myself completely and drink lemonade for 10 days straight. I heard a rumor that this is what Ghandi did to maintain his figure, so naturally, I decided to follow suit.
So I went to the nearest 99 cent store and stocked up on the freshest ingredients for my lemonade.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIjHo9zFmzJlh3EVRqJmAZL1J7mFZ29u6Kd2Gf7VRH7rwmEcnvSFCWiSqQg5QfOComQjsxLGDMILNSuwZxkKVdGmACfvxlZfD6B1dT1bQlKpZE2S0U67I05mQuEck2BnlCDTMy-jfX1UyG/s400/country-time-lemonade-8qt-drinks-mix-733-p.jpg)
First off, you need lemons. The recipe calls for fresh ones, but fresh citric acids are for rich people. I grabbed a lovely jar of powdery goodness called Country Time Lemonade instead and dropped 5 cups of dust into every serving.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0Alv6rInTZ6sdptHrmsC4vxfjIMdX0-w3rlF2kdZ1tbQwXYCYMwBa_1amgXG1TLujoNRWqgtietTMKZuS2aiOzW-q74Rbe379pT-l7Xv2ZRAbUFoRCFyUup_5JvWarYK33SNzTWlxJ72A/s400/mrs-butterworths-maple-syrup-logo.jpg)
Next, the recipe says to add pure maple syrup, so I got my favorite bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's and used around half a bottle per serving. This is supposed to act as a preservative for the enzymes in the Country Time, so use this liberally. You don't want those enzymes to die!
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijL9rmy1xhNz8ue9zBBrPMHMdU8i1JefKKWLldK1dQdEsqOWHf4sqQEHIrsFkjkpyNTY5VtynoqrJgxhAE-M2PToSlGvNWzohda7xsSYuEB8NXbcmRy4QdE0ATkLpBCVVls2MolWcyRU8N/s400/r+(66).jpg)
Lastly, the recipe calls for cayenne pepper. I am a woman with gourmet tastes, so I altered the recipe by dropping in a few dollops of Tapatio hot sauce. MUCHO FUEGO!
I mixed everything together with 1/3 cup of some of LA's finest tap water and SHABOOOM! It was like Thanksgiving dinner in a jug.
Next, I picked a few people who I liked to call my "Thinspirations". A friend introduced me to this dieting practice, which is common amongst anorexics.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm5bm-hyrD90VFpiZN1ET32MC1js3rQpnoganymdGK1fkbnFp5jsrffh-x-TvxePFz57oAYKVM4u2wxjinmGjB6dYRPmlHHK-tiZk5oqv3rf9J_JLLlbyF-263o4hCfD2wE2bKneZGoAkF/s400/pharrell-williams-20051101-81667.jpg)
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrs1yupf0-6FpA-dlKcs5J7ORVMMZzFeZW8JAp7cQndzh00aoMr-YkTMoBYlwS8_JBsiMl4-37aqPgRdN3XQUfnEeGTZUJ6R4oVWW5YBrV20z8bhW7FFfamuy_4S6HP7e37OADnh3maIjp/s400/images.jpeg)
First up is Pharrell Williams of N.E.R.D. I don't know what he doesn't eat but I would like ten thousand servings of whatever that is!
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiJJ8zInfxbpsE8RVnakXsGw7Ejibc5mVnX6zoFlF_9XgesHyLLyly66yEpjg_uI2Uraj6JHJY8qo0YyiDalSRiytbnvonIZzyRiWNgNovs3Mpu-PF31OgIzydFn9nNsRusYggPjt8XNPM/s400/willow-smith.jpg)
Here we have the incomparable, Willow Smith. Being a hybrid of two naturally slim Hollywood powerhouses and having the luck of going through prepubescence has done wonders for her figure. How does she do it??
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig2tqo5O21GYjzBN6d2LgRLf2BN4WJfmTxfVG_4AxGTAuw-DUsfUwvWHAZL_3DMNHnhQpZLVTIKU6Q80DQ_zAG21WJ3AqYeP5RYapHFICIznOTM1vhnybUIslcGj-6hlUWDEML2xkZEeOg/s400/Ostrich-Eggs.jpg)
This is an ostrich. Although it dons a fat, hairy torso, its legs and long, elegant neck are impeccably thin. What I wouldn't give to run a mile in those stems.
And so my journey began...
....And then it ended 3 days later because I turned into Cornholio. I ended my fast in my own booth at El Compadre, with a huge plate of enchiladas and beer. Once again, non-accidental masochism does not suit me.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCegELkXxaQPs1DBGZV4xl1Ef0nNogN4swVNHin9SpNIw5M23HwN9NLYqOR0uu4cy_1DzeHrWtuWVfICQStSOqVZbkU-uGg868r0A3ecHMvcZ_pez7PqIT-kwsYcRN8TmFxevQ2xLPWQ2z/s400/cornholio1.jpg)
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlSDOR7Lh_iePEvvn9ecbVY2k-6RagPG_LpXrmzL9jw0znTdUUcSr11GYU0tuHo-y7k69e-k4U3HCc75qll21Y_3SPek3UPVQSvgXB_kAK6OjB7dNGEyVxNbbF70aEHM5B0gIho7vs7rIo/s400/Eating_Cookies.jpg)
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