How To Cut Your Life Expectancy in Half in 4 Days

I've been a little M.I.A. lately because I went to Vegas 2 weeks ago and my body has been in ruins ever since. My immune system's whereabouts are unknown and I'm almost positive it doesn't even exist anymore, so my shriveled Raisinette of a body has been unsuccessfully trying to sustain itself off of Ricolas and Mucinex. Also, I think Mucinex gives me nightmares because I had a dream that the chick from that movie, Precious was trying to kill me. And let me tell you, mentally, that is no walk in the park.

So I'm going to walk you through the path of destruction otherwise known as my trip to Vegas.

On the plane, I found this word game where you unscramble words and find words within words for points/glory. I MURDER people in this game so don't even talk to me about it unless you want to feel bad about yourself. Anyhow, I spelled the word "SPERM", laughed and took pictures for about 30 minutes, and then my screen froze for the remainder of the flight. Unfortunately, the gentleman sitting next to me did not take kindly to this incident and has decided to press charges against me.

After landing and jumping in the cab, we requested the cab driver take us to the greatest liquor store in all the land. There, we stocked up on plenty of vodka, cranberry juice, cheap white wine, and Coronas. Mind you, we are little girls and we drink like it too.

This is probably the only friend we made the entire weekend.

And where did we go after the airport? THE HOOTERS HOTEL!

Just a light pre-party snack. We only prime our stomachs with the finest of buffalo sauces and cheese liquids.

Whatever happened after that point is a complete mystery. Next thing we knew, it was the next morning and we were way off the Strip at the Gold Coast Casino at a dim sum place called Ping Pang Pong. Only in Vegas can you get away with naming an Asian establishment Ping Pang Pong and only we would naturally flock to it.

In addition to housing Ping Pang Pong, the Gold Coast Casino offers great deals like FREE JACKETS. HOT, huh?

Have no damn clue what any of those are called except for maybe the greens. I love them unconditionally, kind of like a mother that eats her own children.

I know what THIS is! It's the CHICKEN FEET. Our good friend, Miss Chicken Feet ordered 3 orders of these greasy knuckles and annihilated them shamelessly. Strange, but true.

Saw these gem-like slot machines that I instantly fell in love with for obvious reasons. I won a shit ton of pennies at the Midnight Snack one and I think its case I bare an uncanny resemblance to the cartoon fat guy on the machine.

After my last experience with yard drinks, I swore I would never drink 7 liters of frozen daquiri again. But theres no better way to celebrate Nevada's lack of open container laws than to walk around the Strip with something as obnoxious as a yard drink. Needless to say, we ended up with red teefs syndrome. We asked a club promoter if he wanted to hook us up with free bottle service and he responded with: "Uh, ya'll lookin real cute with your red teeth and all but NO." He must have not wanted hot ladies at his club.

Had our first prime rib dinner at the Ellis Island Casino for $12.99. It was no House of Prime Rib but it was THE BUSINESS for $12.99. I'm not sure how we ended up at another casino off the Strip, but I believe we ended up here after having one too many Jello shots and yard drinks.

Spotted this gorgeous specimen whilst patrolling the Ellis Island casino. And yes, he IS wearing a sweatshirt with a picture of himself dressed up as Elvis on it.

We went to a plethora of clubs that night because we kept getting mistaken for a Korean boy band and were in extremely high demand everywhere. We even got invited to a bunch of after parties but we opted for the Dan Marino Restaurant located inside the Hooters hotel instead because after midnight, Hooters wings are only 25 cents! Frankly, you would have to be stupid to go anywhere else at 5 a.m.

We ordered a 50 wang platter cause we're ladies.

Ordered another prime rib cause ya know, one is fun but two will make you poo. And who DOESN'T eat two prime rib dinners in one day in Vegas? Losers.

The next day, we hit up Pink's at the Planet Hollywood hotel. It's the same shit as the one in LA minus the 3 hour long line. We got a burrito with 3 hot dogs in it with chili and cheese with a side of guac. Kim Kardashian eats these for breakfast so we figured we needed to as well so that we could achieve epic Armenian hotness. Unfortunately, none of it went to my ass and headed straight for my mid-section, which is already naturally well-endowed.

After hours of drinking and barking at people on the Strip, we headed over to the buffet at the Wynn. We spent a good two hours there violating health codes, disrespecting sneeze guards, and took full advantage of the 3 foot stainless steel hot melted butter dispenser. I have to commend the staff at the Wynn buffet for their high tolerance for bullshit (us). The following pictures were taken by my dear cousin and band mate, Diane Valera. They clearly weren't taken by me because they are gorgeous and in focus.

After we hosed the au jus off our bodies and flossed the cocktail scrimps out of our teeth, we headed to XS at the Encore. XS is the single most crackinest club on the planet and luckily we were rollin with Jackson family royalty so we got hooked up.

I went straight from XS to the airport and since then, my life has completely fallen apart. Trying to transition from living life in Vegas to life in the real world is a horrifying process and I don't know if I will ever fully recover.

I'm gonna leave you with some pictures of our sorryass hotel room.

Buffalo stains and chicken debris all over the sheets. SMH. Hate sharing a bed with a bunch of sexual deviants.

A piece of string cheese we were using as a doorstop.

Remnants of a good time.


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