Don't Ever Buy a Scale

At the tender age of 28, I just bought my first scale at Target for $7.99. I ripped it open, tore off all my clothing, jumped on, screamed at the top of my lungs and threw it across the room. I am currently trying to decide whether I should return it to Target for being vulgar or surrender it to the nearest fire station, swaddled in a blanket with a Post-it note that says, "I can't even."

Yes, the struggle is still very real for me.

I was sloppily attempting to diet for most of last year because I was a bridesmaid in two weddings and didn't fit either of the original dresses that the brides intended for me to wear. In short, I am now in possession of four bridesmaids dresses, one of which is permanently stained with pork gristle and am writing a step-by-step guide on how to let back fat ruin your life.

So once wedding season was over with, I really decided to do me and let that back fat fly. After all, bears store fat for the winter, why wouldn't I? Have a look at my dark descent into a path of destruction...

After seeing Bachi Burger in Las Vegas featured on my favorite show, Diners, Drive-In's and Dives, I've had it on my list of restaurants to ugly-cry in while eating. To everyone's dismay, this is precisely what happened.

OXTAIL chili cheese fries. This was the go-to dish I used to make with the remains of my oxen when they would die while traveling along the Oregon Trail, so this dish really brought me back to a special place.

 This Kalbi Burger was truly OUT OF BOUNDS as Guy Fieri would say. The flavor jets were on full blast in the flavor Jacuzzi, so much so that I smeared the contents of the burger onto a flip flop and wore them around for a little bit before enthusiastically shoving them into my yap. I now understand why Guy is so adamant about using delicious foods as condiments for flip flops.

Tsujita Artisan Noodle Annex on Sawtelle is my favorite ramen on planet EARF (and outside of my animated fantasies set in Japan.) I think I blogged about their tsukemen before, I'm not sure. I'm too lazy to look back at it. Shout out to my digestive system for enduring the parade of unchewed noodles that march through it every time I come here. Honestly, who has time to chew?

I went home to the Bay Area for the holidays because my mother requires it. It is also my favorite time to visit because DUNGENESS CRAB is in season at this time.

On Christmas Eve, my family and I feasted on Salt and Pepper Crab at R&G Lounge. And no, I did not go to a Chinese restaurant on Christmas because I am Jewish. We went because we are lazy and this crab shits on gold, frankincense and myrrh and whatever other weird minerals/essential oils those "wise" men decided were proper gifts for an infant.

Saw my friends...that's always a disaster.

During our annual Christmas potluck, I slaved over a stove to make clam chowder with my friend, Jess. I stole the recipe from Hog Island, which is why this looks so elegant.

On another occasion, we decided to reserve a day to sit around and marathon eat with the help of some herbal refreshments.

When I walked into my friends house, she had this gorgeous spread waiting for me. This was breakfast...a dozen donuts, two buck Chuck, E-40's own Sluricane, a cheese and pate platter, Trader Joe's cookies and my the first four books of my new favorite graphic novel series, Saga. Saga is like Star Wars for derelicts.

For lunch, we made crab and garlic noodles served with a side of melted butter and swishers.

For dessert, we begged my brother to go to the store to get ice cream so that we could make donut sundaes. Our creative juices were really flowing when we concocted this beautiful mound of blueberry donut topped with vanilla ice cream.

This day ended with five grown women (two of which were allegedly working from home) eating five bags of gummy bears, getting foot massages at an Asian massage parlor and eating tacos from  what looked like an abandoned shipping container with a makeshift kitchen inside. 

Oakland was never the same after that glorious day.

And I will leave you with some revelations I had about beer the other weekend.

This Belching Beaver Brewery is brewing up some magical stuff. I don't know where their beaver dam is located, but I can only guess that it's located either in Heaven or Tijuana. The Peanut Butter Stout tastes exactly like JIF, with the added bonus of getting you drunk. The Horchata Imperial Stout on the left kind of just tasted like a good stout, not so much horchata. But fuck it, I'll drink whatever a beaver tells me to drink.


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