Butchering Pig Heads, Ramen Burgers and Such

I've decided to take a break from online shopping for winter coats that make me look like a smart, highbrow skank like Olivia Pope (Scandal reference--if you don't understand, kill yourself) and am attempting to recount the horrors I've experienced while trying to feed myself. 

I'm sure this topic is passe at this point and I am on the late train (WHAT'S NEW/WHO CARES), but I ate the ramen burger. The original ramen burger from Brooklyn. I'm sure all food nerds are done nutting themselves over this and the rest of the population is generally unimpressed by this feat, but I feel the need to write about this because I waited FOUR HOURS in goddamn TORRANCE in the sweltering heat for this thing. Trust me, I am not proud of this. 

As expected, the line was full of every Asian nerd that is a member of Congress in the United States of Yelp--myself included. It was 9 am and I'd never hung out with my friends this early before and it became awkward, so we started pounding Kirin cans and spam musubi's. 
I think it was around after two hours of waiting in line that I announced that I would go on a rampage if I didn't experience nirvana. 

Luckily, I was too hot, fat and in need of ice cream to put any energy into a public rampage at a Japanese supermarket on a Sunday morning. In short, it sucked. I'm not trying to be mean or knock their hustle because I respect hustlin' to the highest degree, but take a look at what I had versus what I was expecting. 


The point is, be weary of internet sensation hybrid foods and Instagram filters and DO NOT WAIT IN LINE FOR ANYTHING FOR FOUR HOURS. THIS IS WHY I HATE DISNEYLAND!!!

So, I have discovered the endless joys of Mexican supermarkets and have discovered what I believe to be the Whole Foods of Mexican supermarkets--NORTHGATE MARKET! They are a chain throughout Southern California and I have become a regular at the one in Boyle Heights. 

I was perusing the meat section one day when I came across a pig head for $11 and threw that thing in my cart and punted it into the trunk of my car as any other Filipino with half a brain would do. 

If there's one thing I've learned from my trips to the motherland, it's that proper pork sisig can only be achieved by making it with the face of a pig. This pig head inspired the Lapu Lapu (the  guy who allegedly killed Ferdinand Magellan aka the Filipino equivalent of Conan) in me to cook a Filipino feast since I never eat Filipino food anymore. 

Everything looks sexier in a cast iron skillet and with a fried egg in the middle. Something to keep in mind if you are planning to take nude photos anytime soon. 

Lumpia. Basically egg rolls without all those bullshit vegetables.

Kare Kare. It's basically oxtail swimming in peanut butter and veggies. I highly recommend slow cooking oxtail in a crock pot. I plan on making oxtail tacos very soon. 


In preparation for my upcoming trip to Paris, I also made beef bourguignon. This was the only inspiration that I took away from that cinematic abortion, Julia and Julia. The recipe said to use a good dry wine, so naturally, I looked for something with monkeys on the label. I paired it with quinoa because it is rumored that quinoa is healthier than bread and at the moment, I am pretending that I value health. 

On a classier note, my friend Mimi took a special trip to Jamaica and I threatened her every single day before she left so that she would bring me back JAMAICAN BEEF PATTIES. 

Diligent, well-placed threats can get you very far in life. These patties are a testament to that...SO GOOD. 

I aspire to travel to Jamaica indefinitely and get an internship with a Jamaican patty specialist and get impregnated by a Marley. If anyone can have this arranged, please contact me. 


So was the expectation picture of that ramen burger an advertisement? If only you could complain and get those 4 hours of your life back...

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