Eastbay Ridin': Pizzaiolo & Lanesplitter Pizza

Up until recently, I did not enjoy Oakland because it seemed as though every time I set foot in Oakland, all hell broke loose. Crackheads would constantly run in front of my car and scream at me. At the Jack in the Box drive-thru, a bum lady hit on me and threw loose change at me. I got my cell phone stolen and a midget ran at full-speed into my face, which made me bleed profusely. And the stories go on and on and on and on (my cipher keeps rollin like a rollin stone). I had no choice but to return to Oakland because 1) I do not learn lessons, 2) I have friends that live there and I am desperate for company, and 3) the FOOD is crackin.

Last Friday, my friends and I decided that we needed to hit up Pizzaiolo in Temescal because we are classy sons-o-bitches. So after work, I grabbed a 40 of Mickey's, jumped in my friend Gabby's curry-scented Corolla, and headed across the bridge to Oakland.



Had to assure the guy at the liquor store that just because I am not in high school, it does not mean I can't enjoy a Mickey's once in a while.

All we knew was that this pizza place was in Temescal on Telegraph Ave and constantly crowded. We spotted a pizza place on a street corner that was infested with hipsters and fixed gears, so we assumed that it must be Pizzaiolo. After waiting for a table and being seated, we realized we were at Lanesplitters Pizza and not Pizzaiolo. Apparently, the five of us lacked the competence to read the huge sign outside that said "Lanesplitters". That's a group of Asian girls for ya. Being that we were ravenous, we decided to split a large pizza and give the place a go because it must have been crowded for a reason.


We copped a half "Heartstopper" and half "Splitter", which was fucking enormous. This is a slice of the "Heartstopper", which consisted of bacon, gorgonzola, roasted garlic, and spinach. Whoever thought of this is brilliant and panties off to you, sir.

I also had a glass of a beer called Death and Taxes by the Moonlight Brewing Company. I ordered it for the name alone, but it was delicious considering it was a black beer and I don't drink beer any shade darker than my own piss.

We were still hell-bent on trying Pizzaiolo, so we walked up an entire block to the right place and put our names down on the list. We consulted amongst each other and decided that we should probably just go to Fenton's and get ice cream since we already ate a whole pizza. But the saintly gentleman at the front convinced us to stay by giving us glasses of rose and telling us that they had bees and chicken's in the back. He also mistook us for high school students and asked us if we "just got off of school."


A step up from the Franzia that we usually guzzle straight out of the box.


Got a cocktail called the Bungole USA or something along the lines of that. It was good, had a strong ginger flavor, and it was pink. I usually don't drink pink drinks in public because it makes me look vulnerable to rapists but I love them on the low because I possess child-like wonder.

Being that we didn't want to go overboard and had just eaten a hugeass pizza, we decided to get three pizzas. Yeah, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH US?


Got two of the Monterey Bay squid, tomato sauce, and aioli pizza's, which was my favorite. Aioli as a pizza topping is a gift from Jesus Christ to fat people. I sacrificed my cat to Jesus when I got home to show my gratitude.


Potato, pancetta, fontina, and rosemary. We added an egg to the pizza because we are educated, sophisticated, and worldly young hoodrats that shop at Whole Foods and pretend to listen to NPR.



So this is not a pizza competition because both places offer completely different pies and atmospheres. If you want a laid-back place with excellent New York-style thin crust and an extensive beer selection, go with Lanesplitters. Just beware of the wait, generous portions, and hipster asscracks. If you want somewhere a touch more dignified, specialty cocktails and a wine list, an outdoor patio, and less traditional toppings, hit up Pizzaiolo. Both places generally made me feel like this:

Flame Throwers

I just realized that my life is missing something very important. What is it, you ask? A FLAME THROWER. A fucking big one. So if anyone wants to hook a bitch up, let's talk. In exchange, I will sear anything/anyone for you.

Tenderizing my loins in the Tenderloin

I am in very deep denial about this, but I am slowly beginning to realize that my days in San Francisco are numbered because I will be relocating my ass to LA to pursue my dreams of becoming a video ho and to find myself a wealthy Persian husband. I am well aware of the fact that SF shits on LA in every conceivable way but I am very much a masochist and prefer to live under oppressive conditions. If you know me personally, you are probably going to cry yourself to sleep every night without me, so you should seize this opportunity to shower me with burritos, dutch crunch bread, and 40's.

Since I don't have much time left, I figure I need to spend as much time as I can in my favorite part of town, the Tenderloin (next to Clement Street and Lower Irving, of course). Magical things happen to me when I come here. Just the other day when I was waiting to cross the street, an extremely homeless man linked arms with me and exclaimed, "TAKE ME WITH YOU!" I responded with, "Where to m'lady?" And he said, "Anywhere! Just take me with you!" I promptly jumped on his back and we ran off into the sunset. I spent the remainder of the evening cornrowing his muttonchops as he spoon fed me a bowl of refried beans.

Whaaaat the fuck am I even talking about anymore?

Okay so, Red Crawfish on Larkin and Eddy is a lot like Boiling Crab in San Jose, only on crack. In addition to spiced and buttered seafood that you eat with your hands, they have a bunch of entrees, noodle dishes, soup, and an extensive beverage list that includes avocado milkshakes and Thai tea. Basically, it's an Asian wonderland.


Garlic noodles was the ooooone.


Who the hell batters sweet potato fries?? (I'm really not mad doe) Also, the Cajun fries will set that bootyhole on fire.


Garlic butter scrimps was bangin.


The crawfish were FAT and most definitely shit on the rollie polies I got at Boiling Crab. (Again, not hating, just keepin it one hunnid.)


GARLIC WANGS. Yes, we did eat THAT much garlic. Me and Jenn stay eatin like every day's our birthday.

My little brown friend, Gabby put me onto another spot that's right up the street from Red Crawfish called Lers Ros. It's one of my new favorite Thai restaurants in the city because the menu features a bold assortment of meats like rabbit, alligator, and venison. I didn't order any of that shit because it was hella more expensive as in double the price of the regular priced items, which are extremely cheap ($6-$9). Also, that meat sounds sketch.


The yellow coconut milk curry with my personal favorite, DUCK. I just painted my nails yellow and I think the best part about it is that no one can tell if your nails are curry stained or not. Ah, the perks of being a lady.


The pork belly with crispy rinds with basil leaves. My people call this lechon kawali, which is tagalog for "quadruple bypass surgery."

We also ordered crab fried rice, catfish, and sticky rice...BANG BANG!!!

That two block radius has some of the best Vietnamese and Thai food in San Francisco. If you ever need pho, banh mi, duck soup, crawfish, etc...fuck driving all the way to San Jo and go to the Tenderloin. So what if you find a person of questionable gender taking a dump in your truck bed, at least you will have a gut full of delicious and an amazing story for the grand kids.


Now let me tell you about parking lot PIMPIN. It is imperative for one to pre-party before hitting up the spot because people at the bars/clubs are out to rob you. For example, Linzy and Trina here hit up the Grocery Outlet and picked up an $8 DELUXE magnum bottle of prosecco. You are correct, that is very fancy. And if you wanna very very fancy, you can cop that Cook's or Andre for like $5.99.


This bitch is tagging up walls like she's Banksy or some shit. But good lookin out though.

Community Is The Shit

I LOVE the show Community on NBC because:

1) Chevy Chase as Pierce has the greatest one-liners, for example:

Jeff: You started having sex with Britta's ex-boyfriend!
Annie: What? We haven't even kissed.
Pierce: That doesn't mean you're not having sex.

2) Ken Jeong as SENOR CHANG is the new Jesus Christ.
3) ABED AND TROY (Donald Glover's stand-up makes me pee my gauchos on the regular, BTW.)
4) That's about it

*The first two things on the list are interchangeable.





Last week's episode, "Modern Warfare" was a masterpiece and hands down, the greatest episode yet. I almost choked on my mom's Mother's Day present (a box of Cinnabons) twice. Watch this episode of Community or you will die of terminal virginity:

WHERE YOU BEEN??

Good question. My roommate (my mom) just asked me the sameass question and tried to force feed me bacon. I had to explain to her that I'm not supposed to gorge myself with bacon before a Bikram yoga class because it is likely that I will shart myself and arouse the hippies in my class. The last thing I need right now is to be impregnated by a hippie.

So to answer that first question, here is a sexy collection of photos from mainly my camera phone.




I've moved all of my stuff into El Zocalo on Mission street in San Francisco. I am literally here like everyday, face down in a pile of cheese con loroco pupusas. Their pupusa combo's are around $6 for two pupusas, beans, and platanos/sour cream AND they are open til like 2 or 3 on weekends. INCREDIBALLS.



Been working like a motherfucker but thank god for economy sized Philly Cheesesteak Hot Pockets, without which I would never get any work done.

After hearing many amazing things about Orson, I finally hit it up with my food yoda, Jenn and we tore that shit UPPPPP.


Hubbard iron doors are always + in my book.


BURRRRRRRRRata! Creamy, cheesy goodness on a slice of bread with some kind of fruit preserve. I am at a loss for words right now.


FUCK DAT FRIES or DUCK FAT FRIES...with brown butter bearnaise dipping sauce. Yeah, change those goddamn panties...they ain't clean right now.


A BIGASS chicken nugget with kimchee and fried kale. So basically we had a grown and sexy happy meal and I was FEELIN' IT.


Decided to take a walk on my lunch break and of course, I walked straight to Boccalone at the Ferry Building. Had to try the mixed salumi cone because that stud on the Food Network, Tyler Florence claimed it was the "best thing I ever ate." Tyler Florence claiming meat cones are the best thing he's ever eaten is lightweight suspect but he is onto something cause those salumis were BOMB.COM.



Crab cakes and mac and cheese from Public House, which is attached to AT&T park. This place slaps waaay harder than that Acme Chophouse shit that was there before. But seriously, the crab cakes were magnificent and could get it like everyday.

The next few images are kind of hard to explain but they were on my phone? Although the first one is of the dopest Asian man with a New York accent and his name is Dougie. Check his spot in Oakland out, it's called "Uncle Dougie's Italian Heroes." They make BOMB tequila lime wangs and meatloaf sandwiches.







It's been beautiful out in San Francisco, so I've been spending a shit ton of my time sitting around Dolores Park and drinking my little heart out. Hot tip: Don't wait in line for the bafroom, theres a church down Dolores with a nice little bathroom. Jesus don't mind. Speaking of which, I'm gonna go do that RIGHT NOW.....

PEACE BITCHES