Let's Make Babies: Raekwon the Chef

Saw this photo on carltonbanks.net and I fell in love/skeeted my banana hammock.


That's wifey material right there.

I'm gonna recreate this photo with myself in it, send it to Raekwon, and sign it "Fly Shawty Penelope/Fly Colored Asian." And then maybe suggest something about going half on a baby? Perhaps naming it Melkwon? I dunno...a girl can dream.

SHUT UP BITCH AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH

I really don't wanna post anymore because it says that I currently have 69 posts. That's a lucky number and it upsets me when I get achieve this number and ruin it. Like one time, I bowled a 69 in the 7th frame and just sat the rest of the game out because I was so pleased with myself, then I tried to convince everyone that I was the one that actually won. But whatever, I'll keep going because I don't want the literary world to cry and explode.

It's universally agreed upon that sandwiches are important as fuck. When I open up a beer, I say to myself, "Goddamn, you know what would go hella well with this?" and I go, "What?" and then I go, "A SANDWICH. A BUFFALO CHICKEN SANDWICH." Then I look in the mirror and say, "SHUT UP BITCH AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH." At this point, I usually go to somewhere else and tell them to make me a sandwich. But last month, I decided to switch things up and so I invited a bunch of my friends over to my house and told them to make me a sandwich. A crab sandwich.

My friend Jizzo and I had the most amazing $15 sandwich at AT&T Park during a Giants game last season from the Crazy Crab'z stand. From what I could remember, it was a simple sandwich comprised of a Dungeness crab salad grilled in between two pieces of garlic bread. We were skeet-skeetin ourselves the entire game over these sandwiches and for several months until we decided to make our own CRAB SAMMIES. Here's the list of ingredients:


CRAB SAMMIES

- 4 whole Dungeness crabs
- Mayo
- Celery
- Green Onions
- Salt
- Pepper
- Sourdough bread
- Meunster cheese
- Garlic butter spread

Shout out to Jizzo, Little Brown, Sean, Dri, and Angie for helping put these shits together. Yes, it took 6 whole adults to make a sandwich.


We spent an eternity dismembering and removing the meat from the crabs, which was traumatizing, painful, and putrid. It's no wonder imitation crab meat exists because extracting sizable amounts of meat from an actual crab is backbreaking.


Blood, sweat, tears, and .004 ounces of crab meat is what we ended up with in this bowl.


Mixed in the mayo, chopped up celery and green onions, then some salt and pepper. I don't know the exact proportions but you have eyes...figure it out.


Spread the garlic butter on the sliced pieces of sourdough and threw them on the pimp grill. We added the crab salad mixture on top and then put the Meunster cheese on top. It wasn't working on the grill so we threw them in the oven until the cheese melted.


9 hours later, we scarfed these hitters down and washed them down with 18 rounds of beer pong. Crab sammies, a deluxe bottle of Moscato, and PBR pong = a goodass time/barf on the lawn. Holler at me if you need someone to plan your next party.

After all that sandwich making, I was feeling weary and burnt out but remained on an intense sandwich hype. My co-workers informed me of a very important sandwich over at the Ferry Building so I followed my heart/massive erection to the Roli Roti truck.


Dreams are made, fire-roasted, and served on Acme bread on this truck. They are parked outside of the Ferry Building on Thursdays and Saturdays, serving up rotisserie chicken and roasted swine to desperate pricks like me.


OH.MY.GOD. Porchetta baby. I was in line, straight up eye-fucking the shit out of this piece. I guess I wasn't being too discrete about it because the gentleman manhandling the porchetta reached out and handed me a piece of skin. He is currently my best friend.


SLAM DUNK. BLAP! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!! Porchetta, with a THICK, generous layer of skin, rosemary salt, caramelized onions, and I think that's arugula. There are no words in the English language that express this sandwich's glory...if I had to articulate it, I would just moan for an hour and then fart. Like, rapid fire.


Got this brick of FRIED MAC AND CHEESE from some other pork vendor at the Ferry Building. We made babies.

See, I told you sandwiches were important. Now get your triflin' ass in the kitchen and make me a fuckin sandwich!!!!!!!!!!

Gong Hay Fat Choy: Greetings From Clement Street

GONG HAY FAT CHOY! MO CHO UGGGHHHH, FAY LOW!! (HAPPY NEW YEAR! SHUT UP, FAT BOY!!)

You're damn skippy I know Chinese.

Since I've dedicated most of my life to dim sum and am an enthusiastic companion to a shitload of Chinese people, I thought it would be appropriate to do a post in celebration of Chinese New Year. NI HAO AH MA'S!! (I think that mean's "Hello, Grandma!")

The other day, my homie Jenn and I were at work talking chicken wang politics at the water cooler and she told me about this place called China First on Clement street. Apparently, they have bombass fried chicken wings for like four bucks. Being that our office is located in the Financial District of San Francisco and Clement Street is roughly 5 miles away, all we could do we dream about the wings from afar because it would be too far to take the bus there. It was just a dream until Jenn, being the genius that she is, suggested that we rent a Zipcar and drive from the Financial District to Clement Street. For those of you who do not know what Zipcar's are, they are communal cars parked around the city that people can use for a monthly/annual fee. Dope, right? It was only ten bucks to rent one for an hour, which is slightly more than bus fare but half the price of a lap dance.


Stretched out our gams, jumped in this hybrid bullet, and headed to the land of peking duck and boba.


And on the 7th day, God made Clement street and fobs everywhere rejoiced and rammed their Civic's into each other.


Hit up the Cheung Hing one time for some roast duck. This was unplanned but I was on the prowl for some wild game in my life and I couldn't resist all the death hanging upside down in the window. Dibs on the canary guy walking out of the Cheung Hing, lookin mad suspect in that womens shirt.


Next, we went to the Genki store to pick up some Asian snacks. The crepes here are the truth and I could probably spend my entire salary here on crackers with names I can't even pronounce.


Who the hell knows whats in these bags. There could be arsenic and dog shit in these and I would still buy them. If you put something in a small bag with a cartoon cat, waving at me, I would buy it without hesitation.


CREAM COLLON. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. #shitmypants


Men's Pocky, baby. I always wondered what these were about. Do they have the same effect as Extenze or Viagra? I ate em, didn't sprout a dick or anything but my unibrow was bangin and I was talking like Tone Loc the rest of the day.


CRUNKY. They're excellent.


Copped the elusive chicken wangs from China First along with several other dishes. At that point, our arms were full of Asia's finest imports and we couldn't remember where we parked.


QUACK BIIIIIIETCH. Its not news that I abuse ducks on the regular and I'm not proud of it. That's a lie, yeah I am.


SALT N PEPA wangs. Good call Jenn, these crispy sons a bitches are the bizz for four dollars.


The smorgasbord of hot, salty ass.


All these snacks "had me sweatin like a pimp with one ho". (Bruce Bruce, 2004)

Yes, we did rent a Zipcar to go to Clement to buy 35 pounds of Chinese food. Indeeeed. I'll probably be on Clement at some point during this weekend since my friend Steph is in town. Last time she was here, she bitched out the chick at Quickly because she refused to make her waffle fries. I'm gonna bring her back there so that chick can get her revenge and shart in Steph's boba. You can't hear it, but I'm laughing maniacally.


This is gonna be us at some point in the weekend. (Photo found by Anus Valera. Sup Boo. No incest.)

McDonalds: 50 Chicken Nuggets for $10?

There is a rumor running rampant around the internet today that McDonald's is offering a deal involving 50 chicken nuggets for $10 in honor of Superbowl weekend. Upon conducting extensive research on the internet, I found a heart wrenching discussion on Yahoo! Answers that intrigued me and made me bleed a little internally. You can see the original post here.

Yahoo! member Franklinanklin posed the question, "I went to McDonalds today and bought 50 chicken mcnuggets. They gave me 45 =(. What to do?"

...Now, I have been short-changed a time or two in my life but this is just ridiculous. But the next best part of this post is the answer that was voted as the best possible response. It was from member, Controlled Enthusiasm?, who responded with: "Cry like a baby..."

I know I don't need to add in my two, worthlessass cents cause Controlled Enthusiasm? took care of that for everyone but I feel like there's a more assertive response. I feel for Franklinanklin because nobody likes to get bamboozled, especially by McDonald's of all goddamn places. I personally would have done a running start from the entrance of the McDonalds, did a front flip onto the counter, projectile barfed up my 45 nuggets, and finish by roundhouse kicking everyone behind the counter in the face. And then for some added flair, I would steal 5 nuggets out the deep fryer and place them in my panties where they belong. But since all that requires stretching and losing about 20 lbs, crying like a baby does seem like the most plausible answer.

So anyways, I made my friend Tassia come with me to McDonalds on our runch break to find out if the 50 nugget deal was real and I guess its not. The 90 year old man that worked there lightweight had an aneurysm when I asked him for 50 nuggets for $10. So we just order 20 instead...weak sauce, I know. So the answer for the McDonald's on Pine and Montgomery in San Francisco is NO.


As Tiny would say, "Yeeeeah baby!" Bless her little treasure troll heart. Anyone know the status of T.I.'s imprisonment? Feel free to fill me in.


Those are not tears, that is drool on my bag.