I have to pay homage to my hero/prospective lover, Marshawn Lynch, who is the running back for the Buffalo Bills as well as the father of the psychological school of "BEAST MODE". Aside from being one of the greatest running backs in NFL history, he is also one of the most charismatic and alluring human beings to ever hail from Oakland, CA next to Clint Eastwood, Bruce Lee, Mark Curry (of Hangin' With Mr. Cooper), and Mimi Nguyen.
This video is a little bit old but I think it shows how much we have in common:
I wrote to VH1 several weeks ago proposing that they take Terrell Owens show off the air, along with Daisy of Love and Brooke Knows Best, and replace it with Beast Mode with Marshawn Lynch. I have yet to hear back from them. I really don't want to have to resort to rallying at the town hall but desperate times call for drastic measures...if anyone's down to join me, meet me at the Cinnabon's at Serramonte and we'll see if you can find a way to persuade me to let you join me. I don't let just anyone hang out with me...
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Burger Battle Royale: Pearl's Deluxe Burgers vs Mission Burger
Two very significant burgers have entered my life at the most inconvenient point in time: PRE-VEGAS DIET TIME. As I stressed in my last post, there is a maximum amount of back fat that you're allowed to carry on your body whilst in Vegas or you will be immediately exiled upon arrival. I'm pretty positive that muffin-topping out the top of a tube dress is grounds for rejection by clubs, your friends, and will result in some kind of fine or arrest for public obscenity. I will also probably be victimizing every buffet, bar, and Del Taco/Fat Burger up and down the Strip for 4 days straight, so imagine the magnitude of that sort of calorie intake. On the bright side, God himself created Spanx for the metabolically challenged and I am hoping that wearing iron clad undergarments will diffuse the "pregnant look" I've been accidentally sporting.
Okay, enough about that and onto the BURGERS. The first burger that I have been bumping uglies with on the regular is from Pearl's Deluxe Burgers on Post Street in San Francisco. It just so happens to be ridiculously close to my work place, which means the scent of beefy murder is constantly wafting through the air and into my nasal passages. According to all the signs and stuff posted outside of the restaurant, its won all sorts of awards like Best Burger by SF Weekly, has Michael Mina's seal of approval, and apparently people like them on Yelp. I'm thinking of making decals with my face on it that say, "I'D HIT" and handing them out to my favorite restaurants so they can display them in the windows...you know, so that people know that these are distinguished and highly regarded establishments. Anyhow, Pearl's offers a variety of all-natural, grass fed burger meats at ridiculously low prices (a Deluxe burger will be around $6 and a Kobe beef burger is around $10). You can choose between a regular Deluxe burger made from Neiman's Ranch beef, a Kobe beef burger, chicken, turkey, veggie or buffalo. Predictably, I haven't tried any of the last four varieties but I'm semi-interested in the buffalo burger. I personally cannot identify much of a difference between the regular Neimans Ranch burger and the Kobe beef burger, so I kind of just go back and forth between the two because I usually just swallow them whole.
The fries are pretty on point, crunchy and delicately salted...like my hair when I don't put leave in conditioner in it.
This is a Deluxe burger with jack cheese and AVOCADO. I try to keep the toppings and crap pretty minimal because it lets the beef really shine.
There's nothing more magnificent than the pink glow of beef, engulfed in a blanket of melted cheese and avocado. Aside from karaoke, I can think of nothing that brings me more joy. The juices I extracted from this burger with my teeth are now regarded as the Nectar of the Gods. (I sent the juices to the Vatican and they officiated it, don't trip. I speak no blasphemy.)
And now for the Mission Burger. The Mission Burger is a new offering from the fine folks over at Mission Street Food's. It is located inside the Duc Loi Supermarket on Mission and 18th Street in San Francisco and is open everyday except Thursday from around noon to 3 or whenever the burgers run out. Duc Loi donates $1 from the sale of each burger to the San Francisco Food Bank, so you are actually being saintly for eating a burger. According to the Mission Street Foods website, the burger contains 1/3 lb of aged Harris Ranch brisket, short rib and chuck, granulated and seared in beef fat. Served with Monterey jack, caramelized onion and caper aioli on an Acme bun.
Being that I am lazy and ill-informed, I knew of this burgers existence but never got around to asserting any energy into seeking the burger myself and didn't understand how they were operating this burger mission. As luck would have it, my homies at work were kind enough to grab me one while they made the trek from the Financial District to the Mission for lunch. So...they first couple bites were mind blowing, the meat with juicy and tender, the aioli sauce added a garlicky richness, and the caramelized onions complimented everything quite erotically. I soon started to realize that my entire face and hands were encased in what looked like Vaseline and could no longer open my eyes because the burger sent me into a greasy stupor. I finished the burger, but I felt like the burger finished me.
This is the crappy picture I took with my blackberry. It hardly does it justice, but you can see the amount of grease excreting from this arterial assassin.
Its delicious, but eating an entire burger that is this rich probably cut my life expectancy by at least a decade. You might want to split this with no less than 8 other people or if you're planning on committing suicide anytime soon, eat two. I heard the vegan burger they serve is excellent but I'm morally opposed to to choosing vegan options over carnivorous ones.
ALSO, if my blog looks funny to you, its cause its in transition. The address will officially be http://www.adventuresofafatass.com in a couple days, so bear with me. It can still be accessed through http://www.gluttonousboner.blogspot.com, so don't trip. I don't know shit about computers so it might be a while before I get it right.
Okay, enough about that and onto the BURGERS. The first burger that I have been bumping uglies with on the regular is from Pearl's Deluxe Burgers on Post Street in San Francisco. It just so happens to be ridiculously close to my work place, which means the scent of beefy murder is constantly wafting through the air and into my nasal passages. According to all the signs and stuff posted outside of the restaurant, its won all sorts of awards like Best Burger by SF Weekly, has Michael Mina's seal of approval, and apparently people like them on Yelp. I'm thinking of making decals with my face on it that say, "I'D HIT" and handing them out to my favorite restaurants so they can display them in the windows...you know, so that people know that these are distinguished and highly regarded establishments. Anyhow, Pearl's offers a variety of all-natural, grass fed burger meats at ridiculously low prices (a Deluxe burger will be around $6 and a Kobe beef burger is around $10). You can choose between a regular Deluxe burger made from Neiman's Ranch beef, a Kobe beef burger, chicken, turkey, veggie or buffalo. Predictably, I haven't tried any of the last four varieties but I'm semi-interested in the buffalo burger. I personally cannot identify much of a difference between the regular Neimans Ranch burger and the Kobe beef burger, so I kind of just go back and forth between the two because I usually just swallow them whole.
The fries are pretty on point, crunchy and delicately salted...like my hair when I don't put leave in conditioner in it.
This is a Deluxe burger with jack cheese and AVOCADO. I try to keep the toppings and crap pretty minimal because it lets the beef really shine.
There's nothing more magnificent than the pink glow of beef, engulfed in a blanket of melted cheese and avocado. Aside from karaoke, I can think of nothing that brings me more joy. The juices I extracted from this burger with my teeth are now regarded as the Nectar of the Gods. (I sent the juices to the Vatican and they officiated it, don't trip. I speak no blasphemy.)
And now for the Mission Burger. The Mission Burger is a new offering from the fine folks over at Mission Street Food's. It is located inside the Duc Loi Supermarket on Mission and 18th Street in San Francisco and is open everyday except Thursday from around noon to 3 or whenever the burgers run out. Duc Loi donates $1 from the sale of each burger to the San Francisco Food Bank, so you are actually being saintly for eating a burger. According to the Mission Street Foods website, the burger contains 1/3 lb of aged Harris Ranch brisket, short rib and chuck, granulated and seared in beef fat. Served with Monterey jack, caramelized onion and caper aioli on an Acme bun.
Being that I am lazy and ill-informed, I knew of this burgers existence but never got around to asserting any energy into seeking the burger myself and didn't understand how they were operating this burger mission. As luck would have it, my homies at work were kind enough to grab me one while they made the trek from the Financial District to the Mission for lunch. So...they first couple bites were mind blowing, the meat with juicy and tender, the aioli sauce added a garlicky richness, and the caramelized onions complimented everything quite erotically. I soon started to realize that my entire face and hands were encased in what looked like Vaseline and could no longer open my eyes because the burger sent me into a greasy stupor. I finished the burger, but I felt like the burger finished me.
This is the crappy picture I took with my blackberry. It hardly does it justice, but you can see the amount of grease excreting from this arterial assassin.
Its delicious, but eating an entire burger that is this rich probably cut my life expectancy by at least a decade. You might want to split this with no less than 8 other people or if you're planning on committing suicide anytime soon, eat two. I heard the vegan burger they serve is excellent but I'm morally opposed to to choosing vegan options over carnivorous ones.
ALSO, if my blog looks funny to you, its cause its in transition. The address will officially be http://www.adventuresofafatass.com in a couple days, so bear with me. It can still be accessed through http://www.gluttonousboner.blogspot.com, so don't trip. I don't know shit about computers so it might be a while before I get it right.
Friday, September 4, 2009
They Will Call Me Skinny Cakes Malone
As I embark on my 40th and most intense diet of this year, I have to bid farewell to my exquisite belly. I am going to VEGAS! in November for my birthday and must lose as much weight as humanly possible before that time. My friend, Jizzo and I are competing against each other to see who can lose the most weight before then. Loser buys the other person dinner and when I defeat her fat ass (Girl, I'm just talkin shit...you know I don't think you're fat. And I mean that. No homo. <3) I will be ordering 90 oz rib-eyes, poppin' bottles of Dom, and river dancing Michael Flatley-style with some strippers at the Spearmint Rhino...all whilst being skinnier than everyone else in VEGAS! After all, it is disrespectful to show up to VEGAS! looking like a fat person who does not dance for money.
So as I'm sitting here plotting ways to sabotage her diet (i.e. sending her Honeybaked hams, Omaha steaks, canceling her gym membership...etc.), I'm also saying goodbye to all the wonderful things I've shoved down my throat over the past few weeks. Here are a few of my latest and greatest conquests...
I am still convinced that Guadalajara's on Mission and Onondaga is the best taqueria in San Francisco but I heard that La Taqueria and Taqueria Cancun were pretty crucial too. So I decided to take matters into my own hands and settle this feud myself by eating burritos at both places. After visiting both places, I have decided that Guadalajara's reigns supreme and shits on both places in terms of burritos. If anyone disagrees, I will fight you. And you do not wanna see my arsenal because I own weapons that are so far beyond your realm of possibilities, you will not know whether to shit your pants and surrender or have me deported. ANYHOW...peep game.
TAQUERIA CANCUN.
Some carne asada tacos. I didn't eat these but my friend said they were good. They're pretty similar to the Guad's tacos. UGGGGHHH...my diet hurts.
Okay so I ordered the usual Super Carne Asada Burrito with extra sour cream and they gave me CARNITAS instead. I mean it was tasty and not bad, but I'm really not trying to eat pork when I'm set on STEAK, FEEL ME? It was just really upsetting and I don't even really wanna talk about it but here we are, bringing up painful memories of a HORRIBLE MISTAKE. Or shall I say MISTEAK...what a fucked up word. So me and Cancun aren't really on speaking terms right now ;X
It looks all dreamy and cloudy like a hoodrat studio picture. Ya'll know what I'm talking about. You know you remember gathering 20 of your closest home girls in high school, corn rowed each other's hair, put on matching Jordan's, and went to the mall and took 1,000 wallet sized pictures. Or perhaps that was just me and my friends.
LA TAQUERIA! When I was in line, the old lady behind me asked me why I was taking pictures of everything and I cried, "IT'S ALL SO BEAUTIFUL!" And we cheered and laughed and high-fived. Apparently, this embarrassed my brother.
Now I don't know why these people gave me a burrito so SMALL. I know sometimes I get mistaken for a teenager because of my boyish good looks, but I am a GROWN WOMAN. I do NOT eat baby food, except for on special occasions. But THIS was not one of those occasions, I wanted a missile full of BEEF, not a beef pencil for midgets.
After consulting/confronting many La Taqueria enthusiasts, I learned that I did everything wrong because they're known for their tacos and not their burritos. I could see how that would be because their burritos are microscopic and responsible for worldwide famine. So...to be fair, I need to give both places a second chance. AFTER VEGAS. (Jizzo, don't think you're gonna catch me slippin cause it ain't gonna happen...NOT NEVA!)
Next place I humped til the cops came to collect me is called The Front Porch in the Bernal Height's district of San Francisco. My food genius friend, Jenn (HAYYYY!) put me onto this place and when she says to go somewhere, I fuckin do it cause she really knows whats up food-wise in the city. Front Porch serves Southern-style comfort food and the place is homey, serves plenty of frieds, and I want to have its babies. For practical reasons. Weird how I always want to have babies with inanimate objects like restaurants. Only in a perfect world...
This is the MAC AND CHEESE. At first I thought it was a little bland, but it's creaminess creeps up on you and hits you like a cheese bullet, directly in the groin. Simply splendid.
FRIED OKRA WITH JALAPENO AIOLI. Well, suck me sideways...this was AMAZING. MOVE OVER ONION RINGS...the fried okra parade is in town! And it's fixin to kill you. I wanna lather my face in the jalapeno aioli by the way.
The SHRIMP AND GRITS was the most butt-clenchingly delightful dish in the world. I spend a lot of time recounting the first bite I had of the grits. They were cheesy, buttery, and next thing I knew, I didn't have any clothes on, my friends left and had instantly de-friended me on Facebook. Good grits just have that effect on young, impressionable girls such as myself.
href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_EIYEpUb6Pyo/SqGDdPIFu-I/AAAAAAAAA64/51Pqs9Ya-80/s1600-h/fried.jpg">
LE FRIED CHICKEN! You can order these in bulk and they come out in a bucket, but since my friends and I are sensible young ladies, we only ordered a few pieces. Needless to say, we regretted it because we were still hungry :( It's hard having that unfortunate disease with a long, confusing name where you eat constantly and your hunger never subsides.
NEXT STOP ON THE SEXY TRAIN...HUMPHREY SLOCOMBE! Or as I like to call, HUMPME SLOWDOE! Cause that's precisely what it does to your palate.
The artwork on the walls are my favorite.
They have insane flavors like peanut butter curry, Thai chili lime, foie gras, Blue Bottle Vietnamese coffee, and my personal favorite, government cheese. I shit you not, government cheese is an actual flavor. Vair avant garde.
I came for the 21st Amendment watermelon wheat beer ice cream and I also had the white miso peach. I LIKE IT A LOH!
And finally, my visit to TARTINE. Another gem of an establishment in the Mission.
My cousin had the chocolate pudding. RICH GOODNESS.
POO? I don't know, I didn't fuck with it.
I had the coconut cake with passion fruit Bavarian cream filling. I was on a coconut cake hype and I couldn't resist the heavenly coconut shavings blanketing these sexy cakes. We got down.
THIS WAS THE WINNER. The coconut tart with a delicate layer of chocolate and caramel on the crust. I would unholy things for another one of these RIGHT NOW.
Haha I just made scrambled eggs for myself and they came out brown. I am such a chef.
So as I'm sitting here plotting ways to sabotage her diet (i.e. sending her Honeybaked hams, Omaha steaks, canceling her gym membership...etc.), I'm also saying goodbye to all the wonderful things I've shoved down my throat over the past few weeks. Here are a few of my latest and greatest conquests...
I am still convinced that Guadalajara's on Mission and Onondaga is the best taqueria in San Francisco but I heard that La Taqueria and Taqueria Cancun were pretty crucial too. So I decided to take matters into my own hands and settle this feud myself by eating burritos at both places. After visiting both places, I have decided that Guadalajara's reigns supreme and shits on both places in terms of burritos. If anyone disagrees, I will fight you. And you do not wanna see my arsenal because I own weapons that are so far beyond your realm of possibilities, you will not know whether to shit your pants and surrender or have me deported. ANYHOW...peep game.
TAQUERIA CANCUN.
Some carne asada tacos. I didn't eat these but my friend said they were good. They're pretty similar to the Guad's tacos. UGGGGHHH...my diet hurts.
Okay so I ordered the usual Super Carne Asada Burrito with extra sour cream and they gave me CARNITAS instead. I mean it was tasty and not bad, but I'm really not trying to eat pork when I'm set on STEAK, FEEL ME? It was just really upsetting and I don't even really wanna talk about it but here we are, bringing up painful memories of a HORRIBLE MISTAKE. Or shall I say MISTEAK...what a fucked up word. So me and Cancun aren't really on speaking terms right now ;X
It looks all dreamy and cloudy like a hoodrat studio picture. Ya'll know what I'm talking about. You know you remember gathering 20 of your closest home girls in high school, corn rowed each other's hair, put on matching Jordan's, and went to the mall and took 1,000 wallet sized pictures. Or perhaps that was just me and my friends.
LA TAQUERIA! When I was in line, the old lady behind me asked me why I was taking pictures of everything and I cried, "IT'S ALL SO BEAUTIFUL!" And we cheered and laughed and high-fived. Apparently, this embarrassed my brother.
Now I don't know why these people gave me a burrito so SMALL. I know sometimes I get mistaken for a teenager because of my boyish good looks, but I am a GROWN WOMAN. I do NOT eat baby food, except for on special occasions. But THIS was not one of those occasions, I wanted a missile full of BEEF, not a beef pencil for midgets.
After consulting/confronting many La Taqueria enthusiasts, I learned that I did everything wrong because they're known for their tacos and not their burritos. I could see how that would be because their burritos are microscopic and responsible for worldwide famine. So...to be fair, I need to give both places a second chance. AFTER VEGAS. (Jizzo, don't think you're gonna catch me slippin cause it ain't gonna happen...NOT NEVA!)
Next place I humped til the cops came to collect me is called The Front Porch in the Bernal Height's district of San Francisco. My food genius friend, Jenn (HAYYYY!) put me onto this place and when she says to go somewhere, I fuckin do it cause she really knows whats up food-wise in the city. Front Porch serves Southern-style comfort food and the place is homey, serves plenty of frieds, and I want to have its babies. For practical reasons. Weird how I always want to have babies with inanimate objects like restaurants. Only in a perfect world...
This is the MAC AND CHEESE. At first I thought it was a little bland, but it's creaminess creeps up on you and hits you like a cheese bullet, directly in the groin. Simply splendid.
FRIED OKRA WITH JALAPENO AIOLI. Well, suck me sideways...this was AMAZING. MOVE OVER ONION RINGS...the fried okra parade is in town! And it's fixin to kill you. I wanna lather my face in the jalapeno aioli by the way.
The SHRIMP AND GRITS was the most butt-clenchingly delightful dish in the world. I spend a lot of time recounting the first bite I had of the grits. They were cheesy, buttery, and next thing I knew, I didn't have any clothes on, my friends left and had instantly de-friended me on Facebook. Good grits just have that effect on young, impressionable girls such as myself.
href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_EIYEpUb6Pyo/SqGDdPIFu-I/AAAAAAAAA64/51Pqs9Ya-80/s1600-h/fried.jpg">
LE FRIED CHICKEN! You can order these in bulk and they come out in a bucket, but since my friends and I are sensible young ladies, we only ordered a few pieces. Needless to say, we regretted it because we were still hungry :( It's hard having that unfortunate disease with a long, confusing name where you eat constantly and your hunger never subsides.
NEXT STOP ON THE SEXY TRAIN...HUMPHREY SLOCOMBE! Or as I like to call, HUMPME SLOWDOE! Cause that's precisely what it does to your palate.
The artwork on the walls are my favorite.
They have insane flavors like peanut butter curry, Thai chili lime, foie gras, Blue Bottle Vietnamese coffee, and my personal favorite, government cheese. I shit you not, government cheese is an actual flavor. Vair avant garde.
I came for the 21st Amendment watermelon wheat beer ice cream and I also had the white miso peach. I LIKE IT A LOH!
And finally, my visit to TARTINE. Another gem of an establishment in the Mission.
My cousin had the chocolate pudding. RICH GOODNESS.
POO? I don't know, I didn't fuck with it.
I had the coconut cake with passion fruit Bavarian cream filling. I was on a coconut cake hype and I couldn't resist the heavenly coconut shavings blanketing these sexy cakes. We got down.
THIS WAS THE WINNER. The coconut tart with a delicate layer of chocolate and caramel on the crust. I would unholy things for another one of these RIGHT NOW.
Haha I just made scrambled eggs for myself and they came out brown. I am such a chef.
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