Trader Joe's: I'd Be Dead If It Didn't Exist

I know this makes me sound like a loser, but I have been living off of frozen food from Trader Joe's for the past 3 weeks and I don't think I've ever been happier.

As a busy, young indentured servant, it has been difficult for me to find time to cook and eating out can get pricey. I've barely had time to feed myself and can't even manage to eat perishable food in a timely manner. Thus, I have resorted to stocking up on frozens from Trader Joe's and let me tell you, these are in a class of their own. These are the Rolls Royce's of frozen cuisine. Yes, I may be delusional because I am overworked and underfed, but I am convinced that I hit the jackpot every time I warm one of these suckers up.

They carry an exotic assortment of cuisines and I feel like I'm taking a trip around the Epcot Center every week. As a worldly young lady, I am an excellent judge of authenticity and I have been mildly impressed with everything. Mildly impressed is the highest grade of approval in the world of frozen foods, by the way.

For example, my favorite dish is the Paneer Tikka Masala.


*This image was stolen via Google image search*

This dish is simply outstanding...I like to call it The Maharaja Meal. Glorious pieces of cheese, swimming in a pool of Tikka Masala sauce, served alongside spinach Basmati rice. I have spent many lovely evenings, spoonfeeding myself this and watching Hulu.


*stolen image*

This is the Tom Yam Wonton Soup. I haven't tried this yet, but I am beyond excited to microwave the shit out of this. You know how I feel about anything with coconut milk in it..............


*Also stolen. I am too lazy to walk to my freezer and take a picture and upload it. Fuck that.*

These right here are THE BUSINESS. Seriously, I've been on this one for a minute now and life doesn't get better than these two right here. Nuke them for 3 minutes, drizzle it with Tapatio, and its like a $2 trip to Tijuana.


I was surprised by how fresh the Ricotta and Spinach Tortelloni tasted...it seriously tasted homemade. Obviously someone else's home because fresh, healthy dishes don't come out of this home.


The Vegetable Pad Thai is the shit and get's a round of applause or a booty clap.


I think I first discovered these when I was in the 7th or 8th grade and we have been going steady ever since. If you have never had one these, you are doing everything wrong. Flakey, crispy phyllo dough filled with cheesy spinach crap is a gift from Zeus.

I could literally keep going ALL DAY LONG because practically every frozen dish at Trader Joe's is retardedass good. Trader Joe could get it.

STILL ALIVE

No, I did not die...unfortunately for you, I am still alive and still have internet access. However, I've been busy because, I (unlike you) have a life. I understand that no one would have any reason to believe that claim based on every entry prior to this, but I swear to god I'm not just parking across the street from various Taco Bell's and staring at them through binoculars all day.

I am, however, never too busy to maintain my sexy figure...

Hit the Arroyo Chophouse in Pasadena with a bunch of cocksuckers otherwise known as my friends.


Lobster Mash. #sitonmyface


RACKS ON RACKS ON RACKS. Mangled a ribeye with just my chompers (no hands!)


Chocolate souffle...OHHHHHKAY!!!




Syrup in downtown LA is pretty crackin. Crepes, waffles, Intelligentsia coffee, and weirdass expensive sodas.




Tito's Tacos in Venice or Culver or some place off the 405. Not your typical LA roach coach taco, more of like a fresher version of Taco Bell. I don't discriminate against any taco because all tacos deserve acceptance regardless of their fillings or origins. Unless they are vegan tacos. In that case, I feel bad for the taco itself and blame the idiot that made it for being an irresponsible, protein deficient loser. How dare anyone bring a taco into the world without real meat in it. Anyhow, I fucks with this place.


If you could have bottled and consumed my excitement for the opening of a Five Guys at the Fox Hills Mall, it would have been the equivalent of being hospitalized for having a weeklong boner after OD'ing on several dozen Viagra pills (if I am doing my math right.)




Everyone thinks I'm insane, but it was the most underwhelming experience probably ever. It's like when you go to Jack In The Box to get an oreo milkshake, but when you get there, the milkshake machine is broken and you have to back out of the drive thru. Or like when you go to a Boyz II Men reunion concert at a sketchy club downtown only find out the dude with the cane and deep voice isn't there. Just kidding, Boyz II Men is never underwhelming and they still got it.

Maybe I just went to a bootleg one?


I spent $13 on fake tattoos and Justin Bieber stickers the other day. #whyamisingle

...............And I think that concludes that.